Young Writers Society

Part 1 - Structure

When I was first introduced to you, which was not so long ago I might add, I read a beautifully and eloquently written review about stereotypes. I expected your poems to be so emotional by the introduction of new words, emotion from logical standpoint and a demonstration from a lifetime of wisdom. A few of these qualification fell short but generally speaking it wasn't the content that threw me off it was the structure.

This poem has the tendency to ignore rhythm altogether. The first line break is established right in the middle of a idea. I don't quite understand. This bad practice in poetry happens all to much but this example is specifically bad.

the last time I tried to find poetry in burning, I lost my neighbor
in a house fire. now I'm all char and no coal—

won't save us
and we'll freeze

Hi, It's my first review so i'll try my best to be helpful. :L

I think the poem was very descriptive but it didn't necessarily flow together rhythmically, in the sense that the starting was a bit of a confusing opening in relation to the rest of the poem because it seemed more like the start of a story rather than a poetic beginning.

Your second stanza had more of a poetic flow to it and i like the last line best, "We'll freeze like one big family portrait." You also gave good imagery throughout.


InfinityAndBeyond x

Hi there. This will be brief, as I don't review much anymore, and it's for the reason that I generally do a poor job of it.
Let's get through it then.

I really like the contrast of temperatures that you have here all throughout the poem. You have nice imagery and sensations, but all the same, the flow does not carry it through-- especially, as pengu pointed out, with that horrid first linebreak. I like the charcoal play on words, but I think it's more distracting than actually effective. I'd leave that up to your discretion.

The use of triangulating is over done, the line about the world was a bit overdone as well. Perhaps not overdone-- dismissive? Overly dramatic? Something.

I really like the opening of the second stanza, but "relics" feels out of place with the rest of the poem's diction.

Overall, nicely done. I mostly like this for the contrast and sensory stuff you have going on here-- the linebreaks and general flow could definitely use some work (maybe at the end, as well), and I'd sort out your diction because it's kind of everywhere. Nice job overall.

Kafka,

So good to see you ^-^ <3

This immediately strikes me with the existential/philosophical tone that is so often expressed in poetry, which is just to my liking. The strength of these types of pieces always seem to me the breadth of themes and thoughts discovered, like, you have this great ability of depicting these complex ideas in such a clear and concise manner, and so it comes across really well, it's crisp. But the weakness of these pieces always tend to be this assumption of the grandiose idea should be central to the piece, as though the speaker is trying to impose a mindset set on the reader, or tell the reader how the world really is, and that's when these existential stuff falls flat. I'm not saying I don't like them, because I love them, and I really like this piece, I'm just stating what I think is inherently a weakness of the style.

This part:

tracing the future in the snow with a stick
while triangulating the past in a woodstove

Hello Kafka! Dogs here with your review, I thought I'd repay the favor. Ok so firstly I think this is a good poem, it has a style that's a little more out of the ordinary then what I usually read. On a minor note, of course in poetry grammar is completely up to the author, I'd suggest that maybe you put capitals at the beginning of sentences, it's nothing that's necessary but I think it just looks nicer and little more consistent. Completely up to you though. Alrighty, lets dive in shall we?

The first line is interesting, drawing the readers attention, but the rhythm is not very smooth. It seems to me that it's more of a short story rather then a poem. I like the use of "burning" of the first line though

As you continue I still have an issue with the rhythm. You often have a long line followed by a shorter line and it throws the general feel and imagery that your trying to create off. Maybe to fix that problem you could say:

"the last time I tried to find poetry in burning,
I lost my neighbor in a house fire.
now I'm all char and no coal-"

To me thats just easier to read and really gets your point across smoothly. I do like the line "all char and no coal," great imagery and good choice of words.

I love the last two lines of the first stanza, great imagery and choice of words. "tracing the future in the snow with a stick" is certainly my favorite line. Although the "past in a woodstove; what else" line all on the same line is throwing off your rhythm a tad.

For the first line of your second stanza, I think you should use a different word then "touch," here is a great opportunity for you to put in a good 100$ word. Touch just seems to be too simple of a word in this line when you could use such a stronger word instead.

You should have a comma after "bone" in the first line of the second stanza. You have all the grammar things going for you except the capitalizing of letters, so you should stay consistent with that unless that lack of comma really adds to your writing, which I don't think it does.

Again, you should have a comma after "won't save us" in the fourth line of the third stanza. Makes the flow stronger and makes your writing sound a little less choppy.

I think you have a strong ending here, leaving the reader with some unanswered questions which adds to the strength of this piece. All and all I think this is a good poem in need of just a few things to polish up. Keep up the good work!


TuckEr EllsworTh

Hey Kafka,

It's nice to read some poetry from you after that delightfully odd pun run!

Your first line is mega awkward for me at the moment, the rhythm is all off. I think I know where it is off, in fact, it's off in the "tried to", I think. The line is too long and shucking "tried to" (and then making it "found") would smooth out that rhythm. It would however change the meaning of the line, which is pretty important. If you're going to keep it I feel like you need to instead (omg this is a better idea!) move "my neighbour down to the next line because then omg beautiful enjambment! Enjambment and fixing up some of that way awkward rhythm.

I like your use of charcoal here, it's not exactly clever but it's very nicely done, I smiled when I saw it for that reason. I'd to say that I like the net two lines, and I do, although I read "future" as "figure" every time. I think that your last line is less nice. It's too direct for me. I want to say instead move "what else" down to fit with "can I do" and shuck that bit about the designed world because it doesn't do anything for your poem, even the meaning of your poem doesn't need it, because we like to close the gaps in our mind sometimes.

Mur, I prefer "that touches" rather than "Could touch" because what you're using is too passive for this poem - I think my suggestions are forcing your poem to be more active and maybe you don't want that so just disregard anything useless, yeah?

I love how this ends, the freezing in one big portrait. I hate the lead up. I hate it because it's jagged and there's little to no rhythm between "warmth and "portrait". Now, the use of anyway on it's own line is solid and I am not questioning that, I like that. It's the three lines above. They're too short and too well formed to be positioned like they are. You read the lines quickly because that's how they need to be read by the words. Which is mostly to say that this bit feels too much like a sentence and is too difficult to read that way.

My suggestion is a pretty big one in the way of structure. But I'll give it to you anyway. Shift the "when the relics" down. And then,
when the relics all burn black
even a house fire won't save us
and we'll freeze
like one big family portrait.

Here I lose "anyway" because "freeze" is a stronger, sharper image against the portrait. This does change a lot, so you keep it how you feel it, I have my own weird style after all! I do think you need to consider the lines though, whatever you do with this poem.

This is good though, it really is nice to see a poem from you and this one has quality. It's good. Hit me up, as always.

~ Pen.

Hello Kafka, my few, and perhaps inadequate, thoughts:

the last time I tried to find poetry in burning, I lost my neighbor

now I'm all char and no coal—

tracing the future in the snow with a stick
while triangulating the past in a woodstove;

what else
can I do, in this world that was designed not to matter.

outside, there is a snowfall that could touch the bone
but I don't burn for warmth

when the relics
all turn black even a house fire
won't save us and we'll freeze
anyway
like one big family portrait.