Spur-of-the-Moment Haiku

by Kabloozleman
  • April 18, 2012
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic · Narrative
  • "Poetry," or whatever.
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I am writing now.
I wonder what I will say?
'parently nothing...

You expect substance?
I'm writing this off the cuff!
Don't expect too much.

Abbreviations;
They are my friends in haikus.
Sometimes they're 'fusing.

I meant "confusing,"
But I had to 'breviate.
You see what I mean?

I think I'm rambling.
May-haps I should leave you 'lone.
That is what I'll do.

Good-bye, Good-bye, bye.
I'll see you later, bye-bye.
Bye-bye. Bye. Good-bye.
Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
PenguinAttack
Review
PenguinAttack wrote a review · Fri Feb 08, 2013 12:49 pm

Hi Kabloo!

So I'm sure you're going to be sick of hearing this, but these aren't haiku! They have the form of the haiku, being 5,7,5 but they're not actually haikus, because the intent of a traditional haiku is to talk about nature, or use nature imagery. These are more like senryus, which can be about anything.

I like what you're doing but I want more than just this person talking to the audience, breaking the fourth wall by referencing its own form. I can see that they call connect and that's an idea I particularly enjoy. However, the lack of imagery is really holding back what I'd consider the emotion of the content. Yes, these seem like just a little bit of fun rambling about anything and everything, but they're not touching me or anyone, likely. I like how cute the off the cuff remark is but it doesn't seem to be working for you, the attempt at a humorous piece which has no intent other than to be enjoyed. It's just not very enjoyable - I'm sorry to be so blunt about it! But where is the fun in someone making vaguely funny comments in a haiku form. In fact, I think that if you threw away the attempt at having them be haikus and just used them as a poem on the whole, it would be a stack more interesting and funny. Although the ending will forever grate on me because I know it's just there to fill in the correct number of syllables, and it doesn't add to the humour for me.

I hope to see more from you, you've got a good sense of satire and I like that in a poet, even if you don't have enough imagery for my little imagist brain. Thank you for posting!

Hit me up if you have any questions, queries or just want to chat (bro).

~ Pen.

User avatar
Picklesole
Comment
Picklesole commented · Thu Apr 19, 2012 12:38 am

This is really funny, in a good way. I love the 'breviations. :D



The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, prejudices; to be found only in the minds of men. For the record, prejudices can kill, and suspicions can destroy. A thoughtless, frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all of its own.
— Rod Serling, Twilight Zone