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E - Everyone Language

Je t'aime (I love you) - 3

by KaavyaK


Janae Verret -

A young college student, (she is the popular girl of her college) has many friends (everyone likes her because she is kind and helpful) but one enemy, Hayden Jessen Walter.

Devin Roman -

Devin, Janae's best friend (plays a very important role to annoy her).

Hayden Jessen Walter -

He is cool (that's what he thinks he is), rich, bossy and the bad boy of the college (think twice before messing with him) and lastly Janae's one and only enemy.

Camilla Grayson -

She is also a popular girl (she is the pick me girl), she hates Janae and drools over Hayden (what the - fruits) she bullies many students (except a few people everyone else hates her).

Jayford Jessen Walter -

Hayden's brother but not at all like him (the best thing), he is Janae's good friend (but for Janae he is not just friend, he is her crush).

Ms. Isla Lana -

She is the best teacher ever, for Janae, Ms. Isla is her safe zone (her suggestions are always the best).

-----

Scene 3 - Janae's Phobia

(After the party everyone heads back home except Devin, Jayford, Hayden and few of his other friends. Hayden and Devin both were drinking (whiskey) and laughing about silly things, suddenly Hayden asks Devin.)

Hayden- Devin, you know, your best friend, Janae. Does she have any sort of phobia? Or is she afraid of anything?

Devin- Yes (hiccup) she has nyctophobia (afraid of darkness) and she is claustrophobic (afraid of enclosed areas). But why are you asking?

Hayden- Nothing. Just curious, here give me your glass, I'll get it refilled.

Devin- No, no more drinking, I should head back to my dormitory. Bye bro.

(Devin gets up and leaves.)

Hayden to Devin- Yeah right bro, Bye.

(Hayden gets up looking for Jayford, he finds Jayford talking to his friends.)

Hayden- Jayford, we should go back home, our parents will be back from their meeting after twelve and its already eleven.

Jayford- Oh yes right, I was looking for you only. 

(Jayford and Hayden both wave bye to there friends and head back home.)

-----

Next Day

(Hayden enters the college with his friends. He notices Janae talking to Devin, he walks towards Janae, in her direction, but before he reaches, Camilla comes in front of him.)

Camilla- Hi Hayden, how are you? Yesterday I was so flustered looking at your bare chest, you train yourself a lot, don't you?

(An idea pops in Hayden's mind, the way he'll be able to take revenge from Janae.)

Hayden- Hi Camilla, I'm fine. Yes, I love to go to gym and train myself. Can you do me a favor?

Camilla- Yes Hayden, anything for you. What do you want me to do?

(Hayden then explains Camilla his plan to trap Janae.)

Camilla- Got it. Its going to be fun.

(During the lunch break, the canteen was full of students rushing here and there, and the halls were empty. Camilla was talking to Janae, telling her that Ms. Isla called her. Camilla guided Janae towards an empty, dark, enclosed room (sort of a store room). As Janae enters the room she sees that the room is empty and Ms. Isla is not there. She then hears the sound of the door locking behind her.)

Janae- No, no, no, please open the door. (runs towards the door and bangs the door) Open the door.

(She can hear Hayden, Camilla and some other boys laughing)

Hayden from outside- Learn, this is how you take revenge.

(Janae keeps on banging the door.)

Janae- Listen Hayden, we can talk but please open the door.

(Hayden just laughs and leaves with his friends. Later Jayford and Devin come looking for Janae, they find this particular room locked. They open the door after trying for a few minutes, the scene in front of them made them panic. Janae was lying on the floor, unconscious)

Devin- Oh My God, Janae wake up. (Goes near Janae takes her head in his lap, taps her cheeks trying to wake her up.)

Jayford- (picks up Janae) I am taking her to the medical room, you call Ms. Isla there.

(In the medical room, the nurse tells them that Janae had a panic/anxiety attack and she will wake up soon. Ms. Isla comes, she worried about Jane's health.)

Ms. Isla- Oh My, what happened? (looks at Janae, Ms. Isla is very angry) I shall find out how this happened.

-----

What will happen next?

Next part coming soon if this part gets one star (like).

Stay tuned to know more.


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146 Reviews

Points: 2489
Reviews: 146

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Sun Sep 08, 2024 8:11 pm
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looseleaf wrote a review...



Hi Kaavya! looseleaf here with a brief review. I haven't read the past chapters, so this review will be focused on this part only!

This character list is very intriguing--all of your characters are fascinating, and I'm excited to see how their dynamic works out in future chapters. :) This story has great potential and you could turn it into something that really shines.

However, my main qualm with this script is that the language is extremely stilted; none of it really sounds like a conversation actual people would have. Your use of language is rather formal, especially in these instances:

Camilla- Hi Hayden, how are you? Yesterday I was so flustered looking at your bare chest, you train yourself a lot, don't you?
[...]
Hayden- Hi Camilla, I'm fine. Yes, I love to go to gym and train myself. Can you do me a favor?

Oh My, what happened? (looks at Janae, Ms. Isla is very angry) I shall find out how this happened.


Although this is really well-written, I don't think anyone would realistically phrase their sentences like this. It's too awkward. Lifelike sentences are especially important for a script, since there aren't any descriptions to help the audience understand the plot and character's backgrounds.

If I were you, when you write future chapters/edit this one, I would say the lines out loud if you go. That way, you can properly gauge if what you're writing is something you would say out loud.

Also, having done a foreign exchange to France I'm not sure if this story is completely realistic in regards to the setting. However, I would have to read more, and you could be more informed than I am!

Plotwise, this story is fascinating! I hope you continue it. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask!

Image




KaavyaK says...


Thank you so much Leaf!



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180 Reviews

Points: 12649
Reviews: 180

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Sun Sep 08, 2024 1:20 am
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Elektra wrote a review...



Hello! Ley here to review this delightful work for you. Today, I’ll be using my 'Autumn-Themed Review Template'! We’ll begin with my initial impressions, then delve into the aspects that stood out like the vibrant hues of fall, and then get into the critiques. I hope you find this review insightful, and that you're enjoying the cozy charm of autumn, wherever you are in the world! Let’s dive in!

The First Signs of Autumn
Back for another part! Let's get into it!

A Golden Harvest

What I loved most about this scene is we finally got more action from Ms. Isla. Throughout all the pranking, I was wondering where she was. It seems like she's going to put a stop to these ugly pranks or... hopefully she will! XD I also liked getting to see how Camilla operates. Yay for more characters!

Wilted Leaves and Crisp Critiques
I was a tad confused here:

Hayden- Devin, you know, your best friend, Janae. Does she have any sort of phobia? Or is she afraid of anything?

Devin- Yes (hiccup) she has nyctophobia (afraid of darkness) and she is claustrophobic (afraid of enclosed areas). But why are you asking?

So I know Devin might be a little tipsy, but why would he, as Janae's best friend, tell Hayden about Janae's phobias? It seems a bit unrealistic, and if my best friend said that to my bully, I'd probably stop being friends with them. Poor Janae already gets pranked too much. XD Maybe there's some underlying reason that I haven't gotten to yet, so we'll see!

Janae- No, no, no, please open the door. (runs towards the door and bangs the door) Open the door.

I also think that this line deserves an exclamation mark at the end of "Open the door!" if it is her phobia, she would probably start hyperventilating and start yelling for help.

Cozy Conclusion
Overall, post the next part! I want to know how Ms. Isla handles this panic attack and how she figures out what happened. When Janae wakes up, will she tell her? Or, will she keep it to herself? I guess I'll see soon! Happy writing!

Image




KaavyaK says...


Thank you so much Ley!



KaavyaK says...


Thank you so much Ley!




"I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul."
— Pablo Neruda