The Tears

Demeter wrote:Hello, KJ.

At first I have to admit I didn't find the poem very interesting. It had some nice imagery from the beginning, but it seemed to be like so many other poems out in the world, until about the halfway when the story was forming out I started to like it more. And finally in the end, it was quite an effective piece of work. I consider something effective when after finishing reading the last line I can hear my wall clock ticking in the silence. On one hand it's a slight shame that my interest didn't wake up in the very beginning, but then again I also like being positively surprised.

Your sobs were tiny and dry
your body a lump
The bed once a place of warmth
now gone black with despair.

The second line breaks the flow. On the third line, I feel that the "a place" is a bit redundant, so you might want to try rewording. I like the image on the last line.

I stood like a ghost
watching you heave with lost pain
The walls were too close
for a sadness this great.

This stanza ends a bit abruptly. Otherwise the two last lines are very nice.

The skin was too hot
a sun-roasted desert
I did not understand
but I knew what I knew.

"The skin" seems somehow odd to me. "Your skin", maybe?

Three quiet words
a poorly-crafted mask
The strings were unraveling and the jewels were falling
to the ground, to the ground.

I think that the mask thing on the second line is a slight cliche. I'm keen on the repetition on the last line. =)

I was only a child
ignorant of reasoning.

I don't think this needs to be clarified. To me it was obvious that the narrator was a child after the "Go play, honey" and in my opinion it loses the spark if you give away the child thing like this. It's your choice, of course, but I didn't like this bit.


All in all, I like the atmosphere in this poem. In the end the thing is quite simple, but it doesn't need to have anything more, really. I especially liked the "silent approval" theme. Thanks for the read!


Demeter
x

Thanks Demeter Your comments were helpful - I have to turn this in for a creative writing class. So again, thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm glad you liked it in the end.

Hello, KJ.

At first I have to admit I didn't find the poem very interesting. It had some nice imagery from the beginning, but it seemed to be like so many other poems out in the world, until about the halfway when the story was forming out I started to like it more. And finally in the end, it was quite an effective piece of work. I consider something effective when after finishing reading the last line I can hear my wall clock ticking in the silence. On one hand it's a slight shame that my interest didn't wake up in the very beginning, but then again I also like being positively surprised.

Your sobs were tiny and dry
your body a lump
The bed once a place of warmth
now gone black with despair.

The second line breaks the flow. On the third line, I feel that the "a place" is a bit redundant, so you might want to try rewording. I like the image on the last line.

I stood like a ghost
watching you heave with lost pain
The walls were too close
for a sadness this great.

This stanza ends a bit abruptly. Otherwise the two last lines are very nice.

The skin was too hot
a sun-roasted desert
I did not understand
but I knew what I knew.

"The skin" seems somehow odd to me. "Your skin", maybe?

Three quiet words
a poorly-crafted mask
The strings were unraveling and the jewels were falling
to the ground, to the ground.

I think that the mask thing on the second line is a slight cliche. I'm keen on the repetition on the last line. =)

I was only a child
ignorant of reasoning.

I don't think this needs to be clarified. To me it was obvious that the narrator was a child after the "Go play, honey" and in my opinion it loses the spark if you give away the child thing like this. It's your choice, of course, but I didn't like this bit.


All in all, I like the atmosphere in this poem. In the end the thing is quite simple, but it doesn't need to have anything more, really. I especially liked the "silent approval" theme. Thanks for the read!


Demeter
x