Needles and Roses - Chap. 1 (Edited)

This was a great chapter KJ!

I like Rachel and I think you've developed her well in this very first chapter. Which for many people it is hard to do. Also, your vocabulary is beautiful and your descriptions, as always, bring me into the story. I can almost picture myself in London, walking across the cobblestones, hailing cabs, going to balls, and hearing talk about murders! There was so much in this first chapter that really pulled me in! For example, the relationship between Amy and Rachel and how they are so different. It almost reminds me of Jane Eyre but its extremely different. Sorry if all I could lend were compliments but I'll try to be more helpf ul in the next chapter.

~Angel

Very good! I reread it to see if there was anything I could critique, My only real complaint is this line:

I look down at my own attire. I am wearing the customary drab uniform, required to be worn by the household maids. My chest is blandly flat and my stature small.

Very interesting!! However, I hae to say that I found it really hard to read in present tense. First person is okay, but I had to force myself to read because the present tense just bugged me. Another thing I'd like to see is the maids doing harder work than dusting and folding sheets. Starching clothes, polishing silver, something like that. Also there were a few redundancies, but I didnt have the time to point them all out. Hopefully,I can do it when the girls go down for their naps. Other than that I really liked your characters and your descriptions. Good job!

Hello, dear! Sorry this is taking me so long but I've finally found a lull in my schedule. I'll post you a critique every other day now until you have them all. It shouldn't take much longer than a week. Before you make any edits (if you do) I'll advise you to hang on and wait until I've posted my critiques for each chapter. I've already done six and seven and a little of what I said at the end of six applies to all of your chapters.

Anyway, the format will be slightly different for these first five. You've made some great changes so I have fewer comments and suggestions and will only quote paragraphs where I actually have something to say. In fact, this one is rather short so I might as well post it here:

The sound of refined, male laughter draws me to the window. The curtains are open, and I stand in front of the clear pane, pressing my palms against the glass to peer down. I spot Mr. Garret and the younger Mr. Nathanial in their fine clothes and top hats [Comma here.] standing on the street beside a carriage. Watching them with an ache in my bones, I attempt to ignore my already-cold fingers. The two men talk idly. Envy curls in my stomach when I study their relaxed demeanors. The gentlemen represent everything I do not have, everything that was stolen away from me. Everything I want, once enjoyed, and took advantage of, such as beauty and love, negligence and wealth. Not so long ago [s]I’d[/s] I had a future beyond the next room I have to clean. Is there such a future for me anymore? [I'd suggest 'Does such a future still exist?']

Beatrice sets her full bucket of water down with a clatter. “Get away from that window, Rachel. You’ll only torture yourself.” She wipes her wet hands against her smudged apron, and picks up her bucket and wash-rag again.

I glance at the silk laid out on the bed and nod again. Beatrice disappears once more. After another moment, I tear myself away from the window and the bitter-sweet sight of Mr. Garret and Mr. Nathanial, and pick up the sheets that I am to bring down to the wash-room. As I always do before leaving a room, I quickly look around, enviously soaking in the rich furniture and ornate rugs. I covet the elaborate, warm crackling fire that adorns every room in the house, and the large [Comma here. intricate mirror that hangs above it, with its golden and gleaming edges. I bite my lip and shake my head to clear it completely of such longing thoughts.

“Hello, Amy,” I mumble. She groans and leans against the door-jamb dramatically.

“He is handsome, isn’t he?” Amy reaches up to twirl a wayward curl round her finger once more. “I’ve heard much about him from my friends. I see that they have good reason for their swooning.” Again, I don’t respond, because I know she doesn’t expect an answer. Amy often talks to herself. I think that she likes the sound of her own [Comma here.] sophisticated voice.

A slight beam of light is shining down inside the house, and I see that Amy is wearing yet another new gown. It is an effervescent yellow, and heightens her angelic appearance. She looks very much like our mother at this moment, and part of me hates her for it. Amy is achingly striking, with her large [Comma here.] blue eyes and that mane of pale [Comma here.] shimmering hair, while I favor our father with my large [Comma here.] green eyes and brown hair. She wears a fine wool material cut into the latest fashion. [I'd like to see more of a comparison of their appearances here. How people look goes far beyond eye and hair colour. What are their complexions? Are their faces soft or sharp? Do they have thin, drawn faces, plump cheeks, protruding noses, curved mouths, pointed chins? Are they slender or plump? Tall or short? Give more information.]

I look down at my own attire. I am wearing the customary drab uniform, required to be worn by the household maids. My chest is blandly flat and my stature small. [=)]

“Almost every day. He’s best friends with Miss Nathanial’s brother, James Nathanial. But Mr. Garret and Miss Nathanial are also good… friends.” I hesitate on the last word. The way Miss Nathanial looks at Mr. [s]Garrets[/s] Garret indicates far more feelings than just those of friendship. And he does not shy from her, what with her seemingly sweet demeanor [It might just be English vs American spelling but I believe it is spelt demeanour.] and syrupy conversation.

I purse my lips. The high lace collar of my dress seems to be tighter, choking me. “He is known for his… his lack of fortune,” I say lamely, trying to find a flaw in him so she will turn away. I do not want the man for myself—I’ve had more than enough with the male sex. But I do not want Amy to get her claws into him. He is a good and kind gentleman from what I’ve seen of him, and he deserves far better than my devious sister. I would even rather he be with Miss Nathanial. At least her head is empty, and doesn’t have the ability to scheme.

“Whose ball?” I ask in interest, despite myself. I had once [s]adorerd[/s] adored dancing.

Amy makes a move to go. “It doesn’t matter. You’re too busy.” She blows me a kiss and finally flounces away. I start after her for a reason unknown to me, but then I stop. I should know better than to participate in her cruel, silly little games. I free one of my hands from holding the sheets and swipe at my eyes. The movement draws my attention to the mirror beside me. The reflection beckons to me mockingly. I stand in the exact spot Amy [s]had[/s] has just vacated, and stare at myself. One mirror, two sisters, and two entirely different reflections. One lovely and the picture of life, the other drained and insignificant. I simper at my reflection, hoping for some sort of improvement. It does not help my appearance, so I halt my efforts. It is no use. I will always have the same stubborn chin, the same boyish body.

“Thank you.” I force a deep [Comma here.] calming breath, again trying to shove down all the feelings that bubble up within me.

“What did she come for? I have trouble [s]believeing[/s] believing someone such as her would come for a friendly chat.” Beatrice wrinkles her nose as she speaks of Amy.
I try to smile again but fail. “I don’t really know. She mentioned a ball…”

We both walk together to the washroom, where the sound of Jillian shouting orders and bustling about reaches our ears. I set down the sheets wearily, tucking stray [s]heair[/s] hair behind my ears.

“We are finished, aren’t we?” I ask Beatrice. A thick, damp fume [s]air[/s] fills the room from the heat of the water. Several girls dart about, trying to stay busy and avoid Jillian’s nasty temper.

“Rachel!” our housekeeper, Jillian, shouts. I snap to attention. “Help these girls with the rest of the laundry! When you’re all done [Comma here.] I need help with the dining room! There will be guests coming at six o’clock!” Jillian does not still for an instant, constantly flapping around like a chicken, and then she leaves the room with a purposeful frown.

After all our duties are finished for the day, most of the household maids sit in the kitchen and eat supper before returning to their homes. Normally my appetite is as [s]enourmous[/s] enormous as the next girls’, but I find that tonight I have no desire for food. Instead I’ve a massive headache.

I abandon my plate, still heavily laden with food. “I will see you tomorrow,” I say to Beatrice, keeping my face carefully emotionless. “Grace, thank you for the meal,” I tell the cook, who washes the dishes at the sink across the kitchen. She is a thin [Comma here.] angular woman with a constant small smile, who nods in [s]acknowledgment[/s] acknowledgement and turns away.

After I’ve stepped outdoors, and left the [s]Nathnials[/s] Nathanials' behind, the cool air and a slight breeze [s]makes[/s]make me shove my hands in the pockets of my coat.

Strangely, there is hardly anyone about—unusual for this early time of night. No doubt it is due to the fact that the number of murders in London has increased much of late. Everyone [s]that[/s] who is [Actually, this would sound better as 'The people who are usually in the streets...'] usually in the streets are, indubitably, all safe in their homes with their families.

My nose grows numb, as do my fingers on my left hand—I wiggle them and discover a new small hole in the pocket. I heave a sigh and look up into the dark sky. Having released their supply of rain, the clouds have thinned into wisps, and even they are leaving.

I hum a [s]meloncholy[/s] melancholy tune to myself and keep a brisk, steady pace. Greensleeves was my delight. Greensleeves was my heart of gold…

“I really don’t have time to talk, sir,” I mutter, holding my breath and ducking my head down [Full stop here.] I make an anxious beeline for the boardinghouse.

I don’t know any of the other maids. Beatrice is my only friend, because she is the only one I will speak to. My reason for this is simple: I don’t like to have ties to anyone. I’ve learned that they only bring pain. It is better for me to have few friends, than with an abundance of them being torn from me eventually. [This is a touch awkward. Perhaps '...few friends, than have an abundance of them, to be torn away eventually.'] I am alone, and it is better this way. It benefits to all. [Maybe 'It is beneficial to all.'] I am not hurt and no one else is either… I briefly wonder if I will continue my life such as it is forever. I push away the unwelcome thought.

Surprisingly, I find I am. The cold air has refreshed me and given me a new hunger. I remember that I did not eat much of what Grace [s]had[/s] served. “Thank you,” I say, conceding to my appetite. Sarah smiles again, this time with soft pleasure, and starts to prepare a small meal for me. I sit down and drum my thumb softly against the table. I rest my cheek in my hand and stare restlessly at the wall. I am trying not to think. My thoughts usually lead to painful memories that are better avoided.

*NEWLY EDITED*

(Double post removed.)

(Double post removed.)

First of all, i agree from above, if this was a book, i'd have put it down long ago.
It drags on far too long and could easily be chopped into shorter chapters. Although i managed to get through it, and it's probably the best chapter 1 of a book i have ever read. Description is amazing, and you've just thrown this chapter together so well!

One thing i found was it was very very choppy. Sentances are far too short in most of the first 5 pages, so i tried linking a few together to make it flow better. Dosn't need to be taken into account but as a critiquer i hate reading stories with so many short lines all over the place.

Good job with the characterisation. I can imaging and see her doing the things; your writing brings the characters to life. You have gotten way into your story though and dragged it along way too much, so if you revised it and sped things up a little readers can stay with you for longer.
Not be cruel but most will probably begin to skip pages or just put it down.

I can't wait for the next chapters though. Good work overall.

I'm finally done!

First off, I'm really sorry about the wait. Life's been crazy lately. Chapter Six will be critiqued next, though - don't worry!

Only one main problem with this, besides the million little comments I made: the length. If this were a book, I'd put it down. Why don't you split it at one of the *****'s? The rest of your chapters are shorter, and this just seems to drag on, ruining the amazing-ness it possesses.

Oh, and my comments are strange this time. I only put in five the normal way - the rest are just in a different color. (My critiques constantly change, sorry!)

Yeah...that's basically it. I went really in-depth in the critique, but this is the revised version and doesn't really need many overall things.

PM me for anything at all!

~JFW1415

I liked this. It could go a bit faster, though, cut out the unnessecary discription.

Well, I edited the first chapters. All comments and/or impressions are included in the attachments, so you can just go on and read that instead of this. Cheers!

Or no. I just opened it. The comments are gone. Ugh.


EDIT: I copied and pasted them. Not pretty at all, but will have to do.

I think it was really great. There were only a few problems that I came across. One was punctuation. Somewhere in there after a short sentence, (about 15-20 words long), you forgot a period. I think it was i the middle. Next are two sentences that I found a problem in:

"But Mr. Garret and Miss Nathanial are also are good friends"
(You need to take out one of the are, or take out an are and the also.)

“ 'That was your sister, was it?' "
(I don't know the problem with this sentence, but something isn't right. I think if you replace "was" with wasn't, that would be better.)

The last thing was the length. I don't know if it was just me, (and my ability of slow reading), but it was really long. Maybe you should make it two different chapters, because it took me just over an hour to read.

Other than that, I thought it was great.-Jeni

P.S- Since it took me so long to read, I will have to read chapter 2 and 3 later. But don't worry, I will read them.

The promised review! ;P

I think it was really great. There were only a few problems that I came across. One was punctuation. Somewhere in there after a short sentence, (about 15-20 words long), you forgot a period. I think it was i the middle. Next are two sentences that I found a problem in:

"But Mr. Garret and Miss Nathanial are also are good friends"
(You need to take out one of the are, or take out an are and the also.)

“ 'That was your sister, was it?' "
(I don't know the problem with this sentence, but something isn't right. I think if you replace "was" with wasn't, that would be better.)

The last thing was the length. I don't know if it was just me, (and my ability of slow reading), but it was really long. Maybe you should make it two different chapters, because it took me just over an hour to read.

Other than that, I thought it was great.-Jeni

P.S- Since it took me so long to read, I will have to read chapter 2 and 3 later. But don't worry, I will read them.

This is a good start, I think. It’s a little lacking in character and scene description so your atmosphere isn’t as strong as it could be and you need to be careful occasionally that you don’t use terms that are too modern but it’s generally well written. You’ve got some excellent dialogue and I love the characters; they have great personalities.

I've written some more specific, detailed comments but it's not letting me upload the file so I'm going to pm it to you, let me know if it doesn't come through. Hope it helps,

Heather xx

Can I have more? That was really good. It's very hard to find a good story in present tense, but you handle it very nicely. It's a very interesting story. I like it, especially because I enjoy historical fiction most myself. My novel is historical fiction. The sci-fi is my remedy for writers block! I am having TERRIBLE writers block. Any suggestions?

Anyway (oops) great story. Please post more. It's just like a real book, minus some minor errors, but that's no biggie.

hmmm yep yep that murder definitely sounds like a vampire!

EDIT: yeah, i didn't actually say much there...i'm afraid mummy wouldn't let me stay up too long, so i was a tad short on time

anyway...it did drag on a bit, but that's not uncommon for first chapters. i found myself getting more into it as it went along, especially once the thing about Ann Samuels cropped up. before it seemed like Rachel wasn't very concerned about them(them being the murders). so basically you really got me interested right when it was over xD

also, i wasn't too fond of the first person present tense. when a story is as long as this one, you may be able to get away with one or the other(first person OR present tense) but both...?

then again, maybe i'm just being stingy. Sorry if that's the case.

Wow. That was... a truely great read! Your expression and description were fantastic and I particularly like the way you captured the repressed emotions of Rachel. Also loved you character Amy, she seems like she will have a very interesting role in the tale.

A little editing to do, I did pick out some errors but they looked like mostly typos and I see that you have already had some editors so I wont pick it over again.

I really am itching to know of this future Rachel threw away and why her past haunts her every step. Let me know when chapter 2 is available!

Hey KJ!
I promised I'd critique this, but I haven't started to yet. Homework (not to mention the pile of reviews-to-do I have) has me pretty bogged down for now, but I'll try to get around to it some time this week. *bookmarks*

Cheers,
Camille xx

Psh!

If you've finished it, it's time to put it in manuscript format! This means, always double space after the sentences, put it in a monotype font (I like Courier), underline all the italic words, make all the ellipses into three periods, make all the dashes into two hyphens.

There's more but... I've done this chapter for you. Most of it. I probably missed a couple of things.

Great! You actually put this on here kels! As I've already read this when you printed it our for me at school (remember the printer incident! lol) and I've told you a MILLION times how good it is, I guess I'll just have to tell you again! WONDERFUL WORK!