I really like this chapter. I enjoy how Rachel has come from this timid logical little mouse of a person and now suddenly she is impulsive and strong and emotional. But she still slips back into her previous self which makes it interesting. Your characters and plot are very well developed. Previously I had said that I didn't like the present tense you were using, but the more I read the less and less it bugs me, so bravo on that.
Your descriptions of settings and people seem to have gotten more vivid as Rachel's senses have improved, but something I have noticed is that you focus on foul smells and it seems the foulest smell you can come up with is urine. I would like for you to really explore this new keen sense. The acrid scent of sweat, sharp bitter smell of bile, rotten food, coppery blood, animal and human refuse. But if there are bad smells there are has to be good smells. You spoke of the heavy perfume of roses in an earlier chapter. What about the smell of meat roasting, fresh-baked bread, other flower scents, how it smells after a rain shower. You could even do nuetral like the earthy scent of dirt..Some people like that smell and some don't. I just want more smells than just urine, sweat, and roses.
One redundancy that I have noticed is the phrase "tears smarting in my eyes". I think you have used it several times in different chapters. Tears stung my eyes, tears burning my eyes, Tears pricking my eyes like little needles...just change it up a bit.
One other thing I noticed that I think someone else caught was the whole coat incident.
You wrote:
As I do so I spot the coat folded neatly in one of the corners of the shack.
ANd then towards the end you write:
I almost laugh when I notice that I’m still wearing Mrs. Nathanial’s coat.
But no where in between does she put the coat on. Maybe at the beginning you can have her arms go around herself protectively and she feels the rich fur coat about her. Then you can still talk about her shame but also expand on her new sharpened sense of touch.
And yes, KJ, I never want it to end. I can't wait to read more!!
Points: 7596
Reviews: 287
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