Young Writers Society

Hey Silverberry here for a review! First of all I'd like to say I'm impressed that you managed to keep your meaning and keep the poem moving forward even though you were confined to a rhyme scheme. I personally love rhyme, so I'm glad you stuck with it. You had very good descriptions and imagery that really brought the theme of your poem forward, good job!

The thing I'd like to help you with is making sure that your rhymes aren't confining you, is still think you should keep the scheme because it makes your poem more special, but I think it could be improved.

Drifting from one person to another
I watched how she tried to smother
Her emotions with a smile,
Nothing more than a painted tile.

I think you started off strong here, for the word smother really captures what you're trying to capture with the girl faking everything. The second rhyme seems a little forced. I see what you were going for, but comparing a smile to a painted tile is a little bit of a stretch. You could say something very similar and end the line with "while" and keep going, and I think it would propel the poem forward, but it's only a suggestion. Or I think you could keep the painted tile thing but talk about paint for that entire line so that it doesn't seem random.

she didn't engage anyone specifically,
More interested in being terrifically
Cheerful and creepily emotionless

I'd like to say that I love the the rhyme here, for it keeps the poem moving and the contrast between terrifically cheerful and creepily emotionless makes for a really good end to the sentence for you clearly say what's wrong with her hiding. Great job!

A man was swayed by her playfulness,
But he didn't know anything -although
When she was placing a sparkly bow
In her hair and turning it straight,
Anyone could have fallen for her bait

Okay I'm sorry but I dislike how you rhymed although with bow. I think the idea of the bow and the ending of the poem go really well together, so I'd suggest keeping it because it almost makes her seem innocent but then "fallen for her bait" makes it seem sinister, and I think it's a great way to end it. What I don't like however is that you had to kind of isolate although to add it into the line, for it seems very forced. I think, for starters, put a period after anything and start although as a new sentence but still on that line, if that makes sense. ALTHOUGH, the rest of it is great.

Anyways I hope I helped, other than some rhymes, I think that the poem was really good and had a good and realistic theme and I like how you used things like sparkly bows and smiles to show the main subject's falseness. Good job! And I'm glad you did the rhyme, though it could use some improvement. Keep writing!

Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
Now, i'm not particularly a fan of poems that rhyme, i often feel that they limit the poet by forcing them to use only a specific range of words. However, i really did like this piece, you had good flow, good imagery. You transmitted an emotion, an idea, fairly clearly, and it was quite enjoyable to read. Good Job!
However, there were still a few places where things felt a little forced. The main one was,

Drifting from one person to another,

I watched how she tried to smother

her emotions with a smile,

nothing more than a painted tile.

i have a couple problems with these opening lines. First of all: calling the character's smile a painted tile. This felt awkward, and i'm not really sure what you meant. Was it that it appeared that her smile was painted on, not real, a mask? i'm not a sure a tile would best represent those things. i'm assuming you were forced to make that comparison due to the rhyme scheme, so i suggest changing those two lines altogether. You could still have them talking about her smile, just switch up the words, perhaps making the third line "with a smile her emotions" would open up more options for good rhymes. Also regarding this stanza: i don't think this opens up with the right theme you're trying to transmit with the overall poem. These opening lines make me feel as if the character is weak, trying to hide her feelings, like shame or sadness. However, the ending makes it seem more like the character is some sort of cruel woman, taking advantage of men, making them miserable. i'm not completely sure what you could do to change that, either, other than adjusting those four lines to make your intentions clearer.
Other than that, i really did like this poem! Sorry for such a short review, but there isn't much her to comment on. This was a short, well done poem. Keep up the good work!
herbgirl

Heya, KAL! Casanova here to do a review for you! Anyway, I'll be breaking this up into sections and reviewing it that way, so I hope you don't mind. To the review!

First part-

Drifting from one person to another,

I watched how she tried to smother

her emotions with a smile,

nothing more than a painted tile.

She didn't engage anyone specifically,

more interested in being terrifically

cheerful and creepily emotionless.

The first thing here is rhyme. Sometimes rhyme scheme is good, and helps the poem. Other times it feels forced and hinders the poem. Here I think you're leaning towards the latter, and I would suggest cutting it. This is simply my preference, though. So let's continue.

The start of this poem doesn't really have much to do with the rest of it, and I don't think you would lose anything if you cut the first line.

Another thing I find odd with this poem is a contradiction. The last two lines of the first half-"more interested in being terrifically cheerful and creepily emotionless."

Now, it's rather hard to show emotion and show no emotion at the same time. I would say it's nigh on impossible. If she's pretending to be cheerful, she's not emotionless. But that's just my take on it. Anyway, onward.

A man was swayed by her playfulness,

but he didn't know anything - although

when she was placing a sparkly bow

in her hair and turning it straight,

anyone could have fallen for her bait.

Even though the rhyming seemed forced, I rather did like the last two lines. It's like a hunter tricking their prey, or something like that, if you get what I'm trying to say.

Anyway, the next thing would be your imagery. I would suggest expanding on the girl and giving more about what you think of her- instead of what's going on. That would help give the poem more of an emotion than what you have here.

Anyway, all in all I think this is a decent poem idea that could use a bit of work.

I think that's all I have on this one, and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron

Hello KAL!
This is a really interesting poem, kind of told from the perspective of a bystander, which draws me in. That being said, there are still a few things that just feel off to me.

her emotions down with a smile

that stretched as long as a mile.

I think the "down" in the first of these lines interrupts the flow a bit- I would try taking it out. Also, I know you're trying to keep the rhyme scheme. Sometimes that can be constructing, and I think you did really well with it overall, but this line bothers me a bit. I think it would fit better if you said something like, "she hadn't shown her true one for a while". I think the key is putting in something that sounds good for itself, and doesn't look like it's just squished in there for the rhyme, like this one is, if that makes sense.

cheerful and creepily emotionless.

A man was swayed by her playfulness,

but he didn't know anything, although

when she was placing a sparkly bow

in her hair and turning it straight,

anyone could have fallen for her bait.

That first line seems rather contradictory. I get that the cheerfulness is a mask, but here it's not very clear that one may be fake. Maybe you could just add a little something that shows more clearly how the two coexist? Unless they're meant to clash so directly like that. I also think that after "didn't know anything" there needs to be some sort of bigger break, like a hyphen or a semicolon. In my mind, with all the commas it just runs together when I think it's actually more of two distinct parts. Additionally, with the narrator just being a watcher, we don't know how he/she feels towards this girl except for the word creepily maybe. I think this last line might allude to the narrator falling for her bait before, and so now he sees through the false cover she has. That may not be true, but it gave me that impression and I thought it was neat.

I really liked this! You really don't have many problems with it, and I love it when people can pull off the rhyme scheme well. I definitely like the last four lines the best- they give me a really good mental image and kind of sum the whole thing up.

-Falco