Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
“Why did you feel the need to come fetch me, though?”
The carriage’s wheels squeaked and rattled as it plodded down the road. Inside, Frederick Grozher retracted his head from the window and turned to look at the Veloren elf.
“Wanted someone else with me for when I meet that asshat again,” Frederick said, and Turjen grinned.
“Aye,” the Veloren said, “That’d be a good reason.”
Frederick turned to look outside again. The plains of Medenseig came and went, rolling green hills and peaceful farms. It was his home, despite the amount of time he’d spent away from it.
“How’re the kids?”
“Doing great,” Frederick murmured absently, still gazing out the window. “Damian’s determined to be a knight.”
“Like father, like son,” Turjen said, a smile in his tone. “Wilhelm?”
“Still lookin’ after the mansion.”
“’Course he is.”
“He wanted to come along. I told him he’s too old to be out adventuring.”
“That’s rich, coming from you.”
Frederick gave Turjen a quick grin. “I ain’t that old, yet.”
“You’re almost sixty.”
“Yeah, and I could still break your arm with a handshake.”
The two chuckled, the elf raising his slender hands in mock surrender. “Please! I need these arms for my bow! Crush my legs instead!”
Their laughter continued, slowly dying down to a warm, companionable quiet. Frederick’s favourite.
Then Turjen spoke again. “Alright, I’ve tried to avoid asking long enough – why is your old sword tied to the roof? I thought you couldn’t use it any more…?”
Frederick grunted, stroking his beard. “Adelina made me bring it. Just in case, she said.”
“Ah.”
The silence turned awkward. “Listen,” Frederick said, “I’m gonna try and sleep. Wake me up when we get to Imflusse, yeah?”
“Sure,” Turjen answered. With that, the old warrior settled into his seat, closed his eyes, and let the soft rumbling of the carriage take him to sleep.
-
The carriage had stopped moving. Someone shook his shoulder and Frederick opened an eye. It was still dark. “What?” he said blearily. “We can’t be there yet, can we?”
“No, we’re in a town close by,” Turjen’s voice said. “But I think we’ve found him.”
Getting up for nothing was not something Frederick wanted to do. “Is he wearing stupid clothes?” he asked.
“If by stupid you mean Delebrian, then… yes.”
“Showing off with his magic?”
“Yes.”
“Surrounded by women?”
“Yes. A lot.”
Oh, gods.
Frederick sucked air in through his teeth and forced himself upright, scowling. “Yeah, that’s Besir. Tell the coachman to wait here a bit.”
End of chapter
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140,073 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Alright pal, I see you've written another damn good piece which I can't get any review points for cause I can't find enough flaws.
In fact, my only (1) issue is that:
People using bows need to be strong as hell. This isn't even specific to writing, it's just important to me that people are aware of this. Bows require immense upper body strength to use- the reason the stereotype of bows being gentle and for the weaker or less knight-ly fighters is because they would be on the outskirts of the fight, therefore safer. It has nothing whatsoever to do with physical strength, and so, unless Frederick was unusually strong, he'd probably beat Turjen only by technique.
Also, on an unrelated note, I wouldn't use the word "retracted" in "Frederick Grozher retracted his head from the window." "Retracted" should only really be used to describe inanimate objects, usually mechanical.
(If Freddy here /was/ mechanical, then he would probably stand a better chance at beating Turjen.)
Hello! Maise here, I’m going to review this little intro! I really enjoyed it, it sounds like the beginning of a good, rich fantasy (my favourite!) I’ll go through a few things that stood out to me.
“Please! I need these arms for my bow! Crush my legs instead!”
This sounds kinda forced and overly dramatic? I don’t think the previous dialogue warrants this. Perhaps you should either make Frederick’s mock-threat a bit more dramatic to suit this reaction, or tone it down a bit. Whatever you prefer.
“I’m gonna try and sleep. Wake me up when we get to Imflusse, yeah?”
For a fantasy that is presumably set in some kind of pseudo-Medieval Age, this language seems a bit too modern if that makes sense. The word “gonna” and the way it ends in “yeah?” makes the dialogue sound like it’s coming from the present time.
Additionally, I wasn’t quite sure of Frederick’s status? At first, I thought he was some kind of nobility or of importance because of the fact that he was in a carriage and his lordly name, but after rereading I was confused as to whether he was more like a peasant because of the way he talks. Maybe clear that up a bit? That might just be me, though.
Apart from that, I really liked this! The characters generally seemed quite distinguishable from each other, and I liked the easy conversation between them all.
I also loved the world building you did in this small snippet! Despite this being such a small excerpt, you’ve already started to drop in mentions of different regions and cultures, which is excellent! It makes everything seem so real, because it’s so casually done.
Their laughter continued, slowly dying down to a warm, companionable quiet. Frederick’s favourite.
Nice line! It neatly gives the reader insight into Frederick’s character.
So overall, I really enjoyed this and I’d love to read more!
Hey Jyva, Apricity here for a review! So, considering this is a test/intro I will assume this is only a snippet and that background information, character building and context will later be displayed in a more complete version. What I will try and review here, is purely the writing and whatever is displayed here.
Is that a good reason though, I think you can explore Frederick's statement in more detail. Obviously the two had known each other for a while, I want to know why is it a good reason. Is it because said asshat is someone who is powerful, is it someone Frederick fears, or does he just want Turjen with him for moral support?Ok, I could be totally wrong here but assuming this is fantasy, and assuming this is set in a medieval time. This particular piece of dialogue here is incredibly colloquial, you want to keep the atmosphere and mood of the entire piece in that medieval period and avoid any overly colloquial, or modern usage of language. Maybe something like, 'how are the little' uns doing?'
The dialogue you have here is well written, it's natural and it also reflects the warm, if not slightly awkward distance between the two friends (assuming they haven't seen each other in a while from the first part in this snippet). However, , this dialogue here, this seems too forced here. Partially because, Frederick hasn't actually done anything physical to make true of his threat, even just in jest. But Turjen has already gone ahead and deflected it in his speech. No action to spur the correspondence and it turns a bit awkward.
That quiet yesssss <3
But then again, with this next piece of dialogue. It seems very abrupt, and I can understand the abruptness because those kind of questions are always like this. However, what bothers me is that previously you've shown no signs that Turjen is avoiding this question. There were no signs that he was thinking about it, like a half-formed question and then changed his mind. None at all, this lack of preshadowing of Turjen's mindset makes the dialogue seem too abrupt and sudden and one wonders, why it was in here at all.
Unlike the warm silence before which is self-explanetary, it'd be good to show the awkwardness and the reason why it's awkward instead of stating it as much. Maybe Turjen and Frederick turns away from each other, their gazes shift away awkwardly and both opens their lips to open but no words come out. Let the readers draw their own conclusion that this is an awkward silence.
As for the last part of this intro, it was actually the names that confused me first. So is the guy they're looking for called Delebrian, or Besir. Or is Delebrian his last name? Or is it the other way around. Because I haven't seen the rest of this I can't comment, but so far if there is more information about this character and the town up ahead, than this is a fine way to introduce it. It's clear, and also highlights the characteristics of Besir/Delebrian in just a few lines of dialogue. Well done there.
Overall, I like the characters you've presented here they're interesting, I look forward to a perhaps fuller version of this. I hope this review has helped you in some way, if you have any questions shoot me a PM.
-Apricity
just for the sake of any other reviewers that decide to look at this:
>%u201CAye,%u201D the Veloren said, %u201CThat%u2019d be a good reason.%u201D
Is that a good reason though, I think you can explore Frederick's statement in more detail. Obviously the two had known each other for a while, I want to know why is it a good reason. Is it because said asshat is someone who is powerful, is it someone Frederick fears, or does he just want Turjen with him for moral support?
that's exactly the point of the question. it makes you want to know about the asshat, so you read on.
>%u201CHow%u2019re the kids?%u201D
Ok, I could be totally wrong here but assuming this is fantasy, and assuming this is set in a medieval time. This particular piece of dialogue here is incredibly colloquial, you want to keep the atmosphere and mood of the entire piece in that medieval period and avoid any overly colloquial, or modern usage of language. Maybe something like, 'how are the little' uns doing?'
valid point.
>The two chuckled, the elf raising his slender hands in mock surrender. %u201CPlease! I need these arms for my bow! Crush my legs instead!%u201D
this dialogue here, this seems too forced here. Partially because, Frederick hasn't actually done anything physical to make true of his threat, even just in jest. But Turjen has already gone ahead and deflected it in his speech. No action to spur the correspondence and it turns a bit awkward.
it's... it's there to imply frederick has some kind of reputation for being strong.
>But then again, with this next piece of dialogue. It seems very abrupt, and I can understand the abruptness because those kind of questions are always like this. However, what bothers me is that previously you've shown no signs that Turjen is avoiding this question. There were no signs that he was thinking about it, like a half-formed question and then changed his mind. None at all, this lack of preshadowing of Turjen's mindset makes the dialogue seem too abrupt and sudden and one wonders, why it was in here at all.
the answer is given right in the question. frederick's bringing this sword, the one that he can't use, and for some reason it's strapped to the roof of the carriage. from that you infer that Turjen noticed it when he entered the carriage, and that's how he got curious, and it also raises another two "hooking" questions for the reader: what's the significance of this sword, and why can't frederick have it inside the carriage?
>Getting up for nothing was not something Frederick wanted to do. %u201CIs he wearing stupid clothes?%u201D he asked.
%u201CIf by stupid you mean Delebrian, then%u2026 yes.%u201D
As for the last part of this intro, it was actually the names that confused me first. So is the guy they're looking for called Delebrian, or Besir. Or is Delebrian his last name?
substitute "Delebrian" with "stupid". Delebrian clothes. tells you that Delebrian refers to where the clothes came from. Like American clothes. Or Australian. Lets you know that Besir is Delebrian, whatever that is.
>It's clear, and also highlights the characteristics of Besir/Delebrian in just a few lines of dialogue. Well done there.
thank you <3
... YWS coding what did you do to my comment
Ahh ok, I didn't really get the Delebrian part but in hindsight, true. Frederick is brining the sword, however my point is that Turjen never mentioned the sword in the first place when he entered the carriage. If the sword were to be mentioned, then the fact that it was strapped to the roof should be placed at the start of the chapters so readers know about it.
As for the implication, for implications to work you need enough context so readers can make that implication. But there is no context here to say that Frederick has a history of being strong.
Fair enough about the first point, as long as you explain it later on which, I assume you would.
YWS coding is strange at times...I admit.