When your grandmother took her last breath
Ready for her last meeting with death
She smiled a sad, sad smile.
_
Before your father was laid to rest
A red rose laying on his cold chest
He smiled a sad, sad smile.
_
And now that I am here
Seeing your little tears
I, too, will smile a sad, sad smile.
i've been undecided over the wording of this poem for some time, but for now this is it
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hey, Jyva, and welcome to YWS! ReviewBuddy here to review!
I didn't really get much out of the repeated refrain of "smiled a sad, sad, smile". It's a very bland phrase to choose as the one that's repeated. "Sad" is an incredibly generic word to use, and the fact that you repeated it twice tells me that you already know that. Try to find a more descriptive word than "sad". There's a whole word full of depressing words to use; you just have to go and look for them.
I think that this would benefit from being split up into the stanzas. Since you have a pattern, it's not really too difficult. I would split it up after each refrain of "sad, sad, smile". You can do this in the YWS publisher by hitting "shift" along with "enter" when you start a new line. Then, it'll keep the stanza breaks.
These lines seemed confusing to me. The first two lines made it sound like it was taking place at a funeral, but then the last line gave the father the action of smiling, so to me it read like the dead father suddenly smiled. Maybe say that there was still a sad smile on his face or something?
I liked this part, for the most part. To me, it made the poem more interesting, since the focus was on the other person and not the narrator. The thing I didn't like was the use of "little". That adjective just doesn't really apply to tears, especially considering that the person crying has just lost their father and grandmother. I'm sure there's a better tear-related word you can use in place of "little".
I didn't get a whole lot out of the rhyming. Fortunately, it never seemed forced, but it didn't really add anything to the poem either. You might want to consider either making it more present, or getting rid of it entirely.
I think that something could be added at saying why each of the people were smiling sadly. I think it could give the poem more depth if you do it correctly. Try using that to paint a more complete picture of the family. Right now, it's a pretty generic grandmother and father, but by adding reasons, you can tell us more about their personalities and relationships with other family members. It can also serve to tie the stanzas together more fluidly. You don't have to do questions, exactly, but something along those lines to make the poem more interesting.
Overall, I think that this poem has potential, but I think that you can get a lot more out of it. There's a lot of room for improvement. I'm excited to see what it could become! Keep on writing!
not even shift enter worked for stanza breaks, so i resorted to using underscores. fix your shit, yws admins >:(
This poem shows a lot of emotion and it is kind of sad thinking about it. One thing you need it a flow so that your readers can get swept away in the words. It really touched me in the heart this one did. It makes me sad reading it knowing that even of they are dying they are smiling. I think this shows a lot of what you feel as you wrote this and I feel for you and This poem says it all.
I think this needs some editing so I will try to do it as helpful as possible for you.Welcome in this site.(i saw you are kind of new so).I like the way this is beautiful and emotional but it needs the double check.
When your grandmother took her last breath(,)
(r)eady for her last (remove the word last,it makes no sense)meeting with death.
She (gave) a sad, sad smile.(she smiled a sad smile makes no sense so it needs to be changed somehow)
Before your father was laid to rest(.)
A red rose laying on his cold chest(.)
He smiled a sad, sad smile.(same thing here)
And now that I am here(,)
(s)eeing your little tears(.)
I, too, will smile a sad, sad smile.(same)
Good job for one of your first works.
last meeting cause she wouldve met death before, being old.
You can not have a last meeting with death because you meet the death only once not several times but I got your point.
Death as in friends and family around her dying
Also I did put spaces in for stanzas but they're not showing up for some reason
Hay!! It's Mahvash here..It's a really good poem and i some few words you have defined your feelings. It's an emotional one. You have done a really great job. keep on it. This poem is nicely penned but it could be more beautiful if you put in some extra efforts. Try to split this poem in stanza..If it was long, it would be more enjoyable. The wording is nice. Pay some heed to these small points. Anyways it's a nice one. Well done