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16+ Language Violence

cyberpunk test intro

by Jyva


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Finch checked her gear one more time and stretched her muscles, rolling her shoulders and flexing her arms. It was cold right now, but given that it was two in the morning, it wasn’t so bad. Over to her left, on the hill overlooking the house, Bone gave her a thumbs up. She nodded and clicked the button on her headset.

“You guys all ready?”

J’s voice came in directly to her ear. “Yeah, he said. D-Dog’s good to go as well.”

“Alright,” Finch said. “Forty seconds till floor security turns and goes to the other end of the house. Twenty for me to go in and get up the stairs, assuming you can crack the door in time, Bone-o.”

“Yup,” Bone said.

“One guard on duty outside the senator’s bedroom. Protocol is ten seconds on pagers before the alarm is raised.”

She was repeating what they already knew, but then again Finch always did. It was her pre-game routine, her way to calm herself and prepare. The others let her talk.

“Kill the senator, take his data-chip, Terrier shoots the floor guard, alarm’s gonna be raised, but if all goes well I should be out before anything happens.”

“Ten seconds,” J warned. “Get ready.”

“Yeah,” Finch said. “Yeah, okay.”

Finch set her jaw, staring at her watch. They’d done this kind of thing so, so many times, yet she still felt a little electric thrill go down her back. Danger, J had said. She was addicted to danger.

Three. Two. One.

“Go,” Bone said.

Finch pulled down her hood and sprinted down the hill towards the senator’s house, running past the trimmed hedges and the glowing fountains with holo-decorations.

“Door’s open and its alarm’s down,” Bone reported, sounding bored.

Finch pulled it open and stepped in. Twenty seconds to get up the stairs. The wooden panelled floor seemed to zoom by underneath her as she silently made her way forward. There were no motion detectors in the house, which was really convenient, but still – anything could go wrong. Finch reached the staircase and stopped right at the end, pulling out her knife.

“Guard is…” Terrier paused, and Finch heard him adjusting his position. “Bone, stop fucking touching my shoelace.

“Sorry,” Bone said. “Habit.”

“…To the right of the door,” Terry finished, annoyed. “Six feet, one o’clock from stairs.”

“Gotcha,” Finch whispered.

Go time. The woman leaped up, her Vis-tech boots giving away no sound as she hit the top of the stairs. The bedroom guard had one second to look surprised before she rushed forward, covered his mouth and stabbed him in the throat.

“Nice job,” said Bone. “Killing the pager now.”

D-Dog spoke up. “Why can’t we get to see what’s happening? I’m bored.”

“’Cause we’re Plan B,” said J.

“Yeah, but we could still get a copy of Bone’s laptop or something, or he could just stream the feed to us-”

“You have no idea how this shit works, do you-”

“Guys, shut up,” Finch hissed.

“Right, sorry.”

“Pager down,” Bone said, a hint of amusement in his tone. “Bedroom’s open and camera inside’s mine.”

The guard had stopped moving. Finch let his body down to the ground and moved on, opening the bedroom door. Inside, it was a little brighter than the rest of the house – a large window encompassing the left side of the room let some moonlight in, and let Finch see the senator lying asleep on his bed.

“Get to work on that computer,” she whispered into her headset.

“Already doin’ it,” Bone said. “Hey, is that the Ammelian Ruby next to his-?”

“No,” Finch said.

“Yeah it is, look-”

“I meant no as in I’m not stealing it for you.”

“Aww.”

Stifled chuckles broke out throughout the communications channel and Finch failed to supress a smile herself, going over to the bed.

“That’s him,” Terrier said. “Do it.”

Finch covered the wrinkled man’s mouth and stabbed him.

“Why do they always spaz out so much?” Bone asked. “Guy’s flailing everywhere.”

“Dunno,” J said. “Reflex, I guess.”

Once the senator had stopped moving, Finch stepped over to his desk and sat at his chair, where the computer was unlocked and waiting for her.

“Nice work, B-boy,” she said.

“That is the worst nickname for me.”

“Would you prefer Whitey?”

“Verify the chip’s contents already, dang it.”

“Yeah, gimme a sec.”

Finch leaned on the desk and clicked through the senator’s files, scanning the names of each one. Mum. Sophia. Thanksgiving 2176. Madagascar 2188. Bali 2190. Alaska 2192.

“Guy travels a lot,” she murmured.

“Why the hell did he go to Alaska in 2192?” Bone said.

“Huh?”

“Climate change peak year. Would’ve been freezing.”

“Hm,” Finch said. “That is weird.” Curiosity piqued, she clicked the file and went through the photos. “They’re all…”

“Just regular photos,” Bone finished for her, sounding disappointed. “Whatever, move on.”

A few more clicks found her at the information they needed. Finch pressed her headset. “All here. Taking it.”

In the auditory back of the channel, she could hear J letting go of a deep breath.

Worrywart.

She was about to leave when Bone’s voice cut into the communications again.

“Hey, what about the ruby?”

“What?” Finch said, momentarily confused. “Oh, fucking fine-

She stomped over to the display next to the bed.

“Finch,” Terrier said, his voice low, “The floor guy’s about to move out of my sights.”

“Just shoot him,” Finch said, pulling out her pistol.

“’Kay.”

The sounds of her gun going off, the ruby’s glass case shattering, Terrier’s sniper from outside and the floor guard screaming all came at once. Finch picked up the Ammelian Ruby, and hesitated. She looked up at the bedroom camera, gave Bone the middle finger, and then ran outside as the house’s alarm went off.

“Fuckin’ Christ,” J said.


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502 Reviews


Points: 6050
Reviews: 502

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Mon Jan 23, 2017 5:57 pm
LadyLizz wrote a review...



Hey there jyva. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
*plays rock music*
I'm back to reviewing after a bit so these may not be very well put together. Either way it's a review, you may just have to deal with some of my crap.

First Thoughts
1. I was attracted to your piece for two main reasons: it was labeled as science fiction and I didn't really feel like dealing with depressing stuff on my first day back. This was a very comedic chapter despite the stabbing and cursing(more on how you can improve the effect of this later on). For once I found a chapter with a good mix of things where each element didn't overpower the other one. It made me almost happy to find this but I do have another point coming up that I didn't like.
2. It got a bit confusing when you were trying to switch back and forth to so many characters without really laying down the groundwork of their existence. I know you can't do too much in an introductory story but the characters seemed really forced and it was just like 'poof this guy didn't exist three lines ago but he does now'. That to me just seemed a bit odd but maybe it fits better with your writing style. Or you could have Finch calling out the names in her head as she goes over the plan. Just something to think about, you don't have to take my comments that seriously.

On Cursing
1. I'm late coming back to reviewing this piece so I think I'll just leave my comments on cursing and continue out the door. This is sort of odd advice to give but your curse terms need to be pieced together a little bit better so that they execute more emotion when the reader comes across them. There's this sort odd mix between actual curse words and toned down versions which I suppose is to account for the differing styles of each character. Like there's one that says fuck every two minutes and then there's another who has never uttered the word in his life. Is that an accurate conclusion to draw about your characters?
2. Some of it is a bit misplaced and poorly strung together. If you could possibly get the characters to stumble all the way to the end of the curse words you're using, that would be great. Well at least I think it would sound better but consult someone else on this sense my dialogue isn't the best.
3.Maybe just look over the bits and decide if it's too close to repeat similar ones over and over again. Curse words are known for adding a sudden shock and impact on a reader but using them too closely together just tires the reader. Your current density of words is pretty good and I think you should try and stick with the current variety.

Good Bye
1. I really don't have anything else to say and my song is ending so I think I'll be on my way. Have fun with your next chapters and good luck.
E.J.M.H.




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494 Reviews


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Reviews: 494

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Sat Jan 14, 2017 10:37 pm
Lauren2010 wrote a review...



Hey Jyva!

You certainly have a strong grasp of writing action sequences, which can be so hard to pull off. I wasn't ever confused about what was happening. I could follow the movement clearly from one moment to the next which does a lot to let the reader focus on the characters and tension. You've got an interesting set-up with a heist like this, assassination and stealing information are always compelling, and this intro would definitely make me want to read more. So great job!

The questions I have mostly revolve around the characters. You have a lot of characters here and since we start in the middle of an action sequence (and there isn't time in those scenes to really establish character without things slowing down) it's hard to keep everyone straight. This leads to a lot of confusion as to who is doing what, but the main problem is that it's hard to root for characters you know nothing about. This lets some of the air out of the action scene, because things are automatically more tense when characters you know and care about are putting their lives or safety at risk.

Perhaps it would be better to begin the story with a scene that happens before this one. Something quieter that would allow us time to get to know these characters at least well enough to tell them apart from each other. This moment with the assassination and the theft feels like a strong first plot point, but stories don't always (and probably don't often!) begin exactly at that first plot point. If we see a scene with these characters preparing to leave for the heist, rather than in the middle of pulling it off, we might care more about them once the heist actually begins. It also might help to remove a character or two from this particular scene so that there are fewer moving parts to keep an eye on.

Otherwise, very exciting moment! This is definitely a first-few-chapters scene, whether it's the very first or not. I'd be interested in reading more after this, at least.

Keep writing!

--Lauren




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Tue Jan 10, 2017 9:02 pm
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Baezel says...



I want some points but I can't find enough flaws in this to make it a review. I literally only have the pettiest things:

(I'm aware you can quote the writing fancily, but I don't know how. Bear with me)

When you wrote:
“Bedroom’s open and camera inside’s mine.”
The "camera inside's mine," didn't really make sense. Presuming your saying the camera is in Bone's room, you'd be better writing, "(the) camera's inside mine."
(I'd put "the", but when I thought about it, it isn't necessary, hence the brackets.)

Secondly:
This is a really strong piece. Because of that, "Finch covered the wrinkled man’s mouth and stabbed him," stands out because it... isn't. Where did she stab him? Did he squeal? Choke on his blood? Did warm blood flow over her skin? Where was she keeping her knife? At this point, I'm just pulling on straws, because that isn't necessary, but it still stands that "she stabbed him" is really quite weak.

Other than that, I loved it. I presume the Alaska mystery will be answered either in a future installment of the story or in a published book (no pressure lol).





People with writer's blocks should get together and build a castle.
— Love