When she finally arrived it wasn’t good. In fact, it was far from what might be considered good. She was bad, simple as that.
That’s why I shut the door in her face. Quick and loud, I wouldn’t be letting her inside. I knew the secrets she held, I knew the demons she fought, and I’d always been willing to help her. Just not that night. That night I saw something new in her. Well, not altogether new per say, but something I hadn’t seen in a long time, or in the completeness I saw then.
Her dark eyes held a sadness, tears glistening on them. That wasn’t new.
Her hands shook, fear and a weakness radiating off of them. That wasn’t new.
Her golden hair was knotted, half slipping into her face, the rest staying back, stuck by her hand running through it. That wasn’t new.
Her lips held a smile. That was new.
It wasn’t a joyous smile, nor smug, but instead somewhere between. Somewhere dark, where everything is broken and evil. Like her when I opened the door.
I hardly had cared to take in her blood-soaked clothes, or even the knife dropped onto my front steps. Instead, I slammed the door. Without a word passing between us I turned her away, already knowing what treacheries she would speak.
I walked away and forgot her. Forgot her eyes, her hands, her hair, but not that smile. It would haunt me forever.
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140,248 Literary Works • 673,068 Reviews
I like it!
I like how you left a lot of information out of the story, keeping only the necessary details. That has somehow made the story successful in leaving an impact on the reader. It helps me build the characters as I wish to. I can somehow picture what the narrator and the lady he/she refers to have gone through. I have the little details worked out in my brain even though you haven't given out much information. That is one of the biggest positives of this story. It fuelled my brain to build their world and for each person it will work in a different way, which is great!
Good job. Keep writing.
Cheers!
Thanks for the review!
Hiya, Junel! Storm here for a review, so let's begin!
You change pronouns here, and it's a bit confusing. At first, you're talking about 'it' being bad (although we don't know what 'it' is), but then you switch to talking about 'she' being bad, and it makes what you're referring to even more unclear.
This is a bit of a runon sentence. It interrupts the flow.
This is the way I'd write it: Quick and loud. I wouldn't be letting her inside; I knew the secrets she held; I knew the demons she fought, and I'd always been willing to help her. Just not that night.
I think I understand what you mean by this, but the wording of this sentence just doesn't work. I think you mean that compared to her smile, these incriminating details pale in comparison, but it's not super clear. I think rewriting this sentence would help readers understand this point a little more.
I'm not a fan of the wording of the last half of this sentence. It's unwieldy and clumsy. It doesn't flow well. I think it's overly formal for the type of story you're writing.
I think you have an interesting drabble here, there's not a lot of plot, but that's not really the point of a drabble this short. I think your biggest issue is wording. You need to know when to not use complicated phrases. Since this piece of writing is so small, you have to take advantage of your writing prowess and sound impressive. Make this drabble flow incredibly. Step up the description. Take time to focus on your actual writing instead of the elements of a story (plot, characters, setting, etc.)
Overall, I think you did well, but you could definitely make this even better. I'd love to see an edited version of this!
If you have any questions or comments regarding my review, feel free to ask in a reply or to pm me.
~Storm
Thanks for the review!