Brightness tumbles
Into my atmosphere,
Eyes fly open
Like a startled sparrow.
They fixate and dilate
On the narrow
Crack of light
From the doorway.
Be it heaven?
Or southern fiery hills?
I know not,
I tremble,
Over the unknown,
I untwist from
Sweat-soaked sheets
Rolling to the floor,
The carpet is wet,
Thick paste-like liquid,
Did I spill something?
Did I bleed?
I force my legs into use,
A bell tolls,
Far off like a calling,
So is the growl,
Not even a step,
I collapse,
A reflection of metal
Among the shadows,
Agonizing pain
Filling in my gut,
The crack of light widens
I am drenched in blood,
The bell tolls again,
Again,
Again,
Aga-.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I think this was alright. I think the poem can flow better if you added a rhyme scheme. You were very abstract and creative while writing this. There are some things you need to fix. You divided the lines more than I believe you needed to. Actually, I think there would have been a more dramatic affect if you actually combined a few lines. It was a very interesting poem, but also a little scary. This is a unique take on what the after life will look like. I think you should finish saying again on the last three lines. I think you should make this poem less emo and scary. now I will jot down some pros and cons.
Pros-I enjoyed the overall concept of your story. Also, you were very sudden and intense. In terms of delivering the correct message, I believe your word choice was spot on. I also loved that you were descriptive in this poem.
Cons-Although this poem was great, something I believe you could fix, is the formatting. You divided the lines more than I believe you needed to. Actually, I think there would have been a more dramatic affect if you actually combined a few lines.
Other than that I love your poem.
I have to say, I loved your poem. You were very abstract and creative while writing this. To make everything easier on you, I will format this as some what of a pros and cons list. The list follows below:
Pros= I enjoyed the overall concept of your story. Also, you were very sudden and intense. In terms of delivering the correct message, I believe your word choice was spot on.
Cons= Although this poem was great, something I believe you could fix, is the formatting. You divided the lines more than I believe you needed to. Actually, I think there would have been a more dramatic affect if you actually combined a few lines.
I hope my review has helped you. At least a little bit. If you have anymore questions, just let me know. I would be happy to help. You have a talent, don't waist it. As always, continue writing!
I thought that it was an interesting take on the topic. It is a little dark at the end, so it was interesting. I like how you said:
"Be it heaven? Or southern fiery hills? I know not, I tremble, Over the unknown,"
It was a very interesting statement, but also a little scary. This is a unique take on what the after life will look like.