Do not be afraid of the dark,
The only thing that might kill you is
well, we don’t know, it is too dark to
see the Boogie Man under your bed,
The darkness has control over you,
Like a marionette pulled by chains,
The same chains that pulled Lucifer down
to the eighth circle of Inferno-
The Catholics know more than we realize.
Do not be afraid of the dark
The demons are all hiding inside
They only crawl out, and look at us
When we are asleep in the darkness,
At least you don’t have to face them
You can pretend the movement in the
corner of your eye is just nothing,
but oh, my dear, how you are so wrong,
What you can’t see kills you slower.
Do not be afraid of the dark,
The ghost here is trying to kill you,
Its yellow eyes has sole sights for you,
And, yes, that growl you heard is real, it
sounds inhuman because it never
lived in the first place- only in Hell
Go ahead, be afraid of the dark,
Fear it like a giant spider’s fangs,
Fear it like strange noises unexplained,
I know what those sounds are, what all those
things are, but you won't like the answer.
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140,103 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hey.
Okayyyy, imagery was good. Like honestly, it was something scary for a while. The "beast" here, I don't think that dude was a tad bit scary xD Like, make him MORE scary, this guy was like my best friend haha.
Anyways, I liked the concept here. I actually don't like the dark, because even I feel someone is watching me *shudders*
But you need to work on the "dark" description part.
Keep writing and stay blessed.
xoxo
Hey, June3 my review:
GREAT IMAGERY, i'm a huge fan of imagery, so, yeah. But i would work on your transitions, the transition from viewing the dark as "not afraid" to "you should fear it" is weak. I would also characterize the dark more. It's good, just needs some things. I love the dark and deathly feel of it.
Hi! Brandi101 here for a quick review!
June3,
I loved this poem, it was very deep and almost had a slight edgy taste to it. The poem shows that there was a lot of hard work put into it. The way you used the word "well" in the third line was a little odd, but other than that I thought that the piece was spot-on perfect!
Keep writing, I look forward to reading more of your work!
Thanks,
Brandi101
Hey there, June, Rhia here to review.
I'll point out nitpicks that I notice as I read through the first time to get started:
The way you've worded this makes this weird. Yes, I know what you're trying to get at, but the wording makes it hard to read "well" in the way you're trying to use it. I suggest a dash after is, to show that that sentence is breaking and that well is an interjection. Now, if the reader isn't paying close attention, it reads like "is well" which is awkward.
Aw man you used so many commas in that next chunk of poem. Maybe try being more adventurous with line breaks alone to build your pauses. This is a little monotonous to read.
As opposed to my earlier request for a dash, the one you used after "Inferno" feels out of place. It makes it feel like there should be more said after it, but it was just kinda done before it started. Maybe a colon there instead?
I like the way you used punctuation much better here, except for the very beginning and very end. I think you can end "but oh, my dear, how you are so wrong," with a dash or comma.
Should be "eyes have"
I say just work on making punctuation more constant, you have lots of punctuation at times and none in others, so it should be a little more uniform to show a stylistic choice rather than just seem messy.
.