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137,425 Literary Works • 672,010 Reviews
Hello there, June3. In the name of the Knights of the Green Room and our Most Sacred and Tireless Quest to ensure that no works go unreviewed in the realm of the Literary Area, here I have come to free your long unreviewed piece from its state of reviewlessness on this fine Review Day. I hope you don’t mind. :3
Should be "breathe". Every little error in a poem weakens the entire poem, especially short poems.
I think these two lines would work better if they were italicized or somehow made a bit more visually distinct from the rest of the poem, seeing as how they're imperative statements. As it stands, they're quite jarring because up until this point, the rest of the poem has been the narrator talking about what's happening.
And this is the point where the poem just completely fell apart. "It" is trying to kill the narrator because it doesn't like the narrator's hair? That just completely killed any tension this poem had.
I would strongly recommend cutting out the hair line, as well as maybe the rain line. They really don't add anything to the poem, and they actually hurt the piece by making the situation seem silly.
Overall, you had a good, terse start, but you also had a lot of spelling errors. You really need to fix those errors as there were a lot of them, and they were very distracting from the poem.
One other thing that would help this poem is more focus. Don't mention things like the rain or hair or paranormal activities. Focus instead on what is going on and what the narrator is currently feeling right at that moment. It will make the poem much more tense, as will including more specific details about the situation. For example, instead of talking about the rain, perhaps describe a bit where the narrator is. Some specifics would go a long way in making this poem stronger.