Theodore - Silent apologies [Chapter 4]

How could I ever lay my hands on her?

She's my entire world.

No, she's ethereal, scintillating, even. Everything about her dazzled and shone brighter than the North star. 

I could lose everything, but god, not her. 

Anything but her. 

Was it too late to call it off? One month and a half already breezed by so quickly. The first signs of winter had long started to peep out from within the clouds. 

"Give me an extension. " I had no choice. If I backed out, they'd just send someone else. Sure, they'd be less competent and possibly mess it up, but what were the chances of that with such a high deposit? Screw the deposit, maybe I should have killed the man behind the scenes instead. 

"No, she's just a girl. I've given you all the information you need. How long do you need to kill a girl? Don't you usually take a week or two? " The phone crackled to life, the clear annoyance in his voice ticked me off. 

"Come on, just give me a bit more time." I sighed, not knowing how to persuade him. I leaned against my window, puffs of grey smoke bellowing from my lips. 

"It's a normal girl, Theodore. You're acting like she's Superman or some crap. Let me guess, you fell in love with her? " I tensed up at his mocking laugh. "Don't play dumb. You don't think I've been suspicious of you since the third week when you reported nothing? I have spies everywhere, Theodore. Either you kill her tonight, or I do it myself. You're competent, right? Or at least, you claim to be. I can assure you that once I take charge, her death will be anything but quick and painless. "

"Why hire me, then? Why not go after her yourself? " I hissed at him through the phone. I was never, ever this curious, really. I knew I treated people's lives like pawns in a chess game, but dragging my favourite author in this was so cruelly unnecessary. Was me falling in love with her part of it too? 

I cursed as he hung the phone up, echoes of his taunting still ringing in my ear as I slammed my phone onto the table, narrowly missing the ashtray.

For the first time, I wanted to get to know her, not judge her based on the files they gave me. 

I glanced at my phone, my hand wrapped around it as I made another call. 

"Ezekiel? " I could hear the drowsiness in her voice as she answered my call. 

"What's wrong? It's 2 in the morning. " A muffled yawn sounded from her side of the call, and though my mood usually brightened upon hearing her voice, it only seemed to sour. 

Was it just me, or was the clock moving faster? 

"Can you come over, Winnie? I have something to talk to you about. "

Immediately, I could hear the rustle of bedsheets, and a quiet groan as she hit her foot against the bedside table when she got out of bed again. 

"Alright, but it better be worth it. " That tone again, I've spent so much time with her that it was no problem telling that she felt neither annoyed nor bothered of me. 

My heart clenched at how easily she believed me, how much she trusted me, to come to my rented apartment in the middle of the night without even a clear reason from me, just at my request. 

Oh, my dear Winnie, I'm so sorry. 

. 

. 

I watched from the balcony railings as a familiar figure emerged from the shadows, under flickering lamps. I hadn't even realized that I had paced around the whole house trying to form a solid plan. 

She tilted her head, immediately looking up to see me already gazing at her. Despite the dim light from street lamps, accompanied with the occasional moonlight that filtered through the clouds, it was no mistaking that she was the girl of my dreams. She smiled at me, and I forced a smile back. 

. 

. 

"So, what's the matter, Ezekiel? "

Oh, how my heart ached whenever she called me by that name, whenever she addressed me so affectionately, not knowing that it wasn't even my name that she was attached to. 

I whipped my head around as she let herself into the balcony with a spare key I'd entrusted to her. If she had just looked around, she'd have seen the files of information I had of her, and the many other things I had withheld from her. 

Just imagining the fear and heartache on her face if she ever found out the truth, well, I wouldn't be able to bear it. 

Labelling me the villain would make this situation so much easier for all of us. 

Perhaps, Death's embrace would've been more welcome instead of watching the realization on her face turn into hurt and anguish. All because of the lies I'd built up. Alas, things never really do go they way they are planned. 

"Ezekiel? You're zoning out. " I snapped out of my thoughts as she placed her palm on my cheek, her hand held warmth I never would have believed existed. 

"Just thinking of a few things, that's all. "

"A few things? What things, exactly? "

I stiffened, watching as she swung her legs and sat herself on the balcony railing. Seven stories high, it would be enough to kill a grown man. 

If I just pushed her off right there and then, it'd be over. 

And yet, she sat so still on the edge of the railing, not even knowing that she was placing her life in my hands at that very moment. 

What was I thinking? I'm not letting her die. 

"Winifred." There was a flicker of surprise in her eyes, my voice breathy and quiet. 

"Yes, Ezekiel? Are you okay? " God, I wanted so badly to just wrap her in my arms, and pray and hope that this was just a long dream. 

And when I wake up, I wouldn't have to kill her. 

Though, wishful thinking would help no one in this situation. Either she dies by my hands, or she dies by another's. 

Neither of them were good options. 

"Do you remember when we first met? " I asked, my voice slow as the words I strung together struggled not to shake. "We were at the coffee shop, and before I left, I gave you my name. "

She smiled, not sure about where this conversation was going, but knowing that she held fond memories of that day was enough for me to rethink my actions and my entire line of work. 

"Of course, how could I forget? " Her voice was a hushed whisper. 

I'm sorry, so, so sorry. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. 

"My name isn't Ezekiel. " My voice held the slightest crack as I watched the smile on her face falter ever so slightly. My heart tightened, guilt and sorrow snaking into my heart and piercing it like a stake. 

But regret? No, I'd never regret meeting her. Even under these circumstances. 

"It's Theodore. " 

Steadfast, I whipped my gun out of my pocket, one that has seen so much blood and death. Winifred flinched and inched backwards just slightly. Any more and she'd have fallen to her death. I held it up against her forehead, barely touching it as her breath visibly hitched. 

I watched the rapid rising and falling of her chest, the many questions that flitted through her eyes, the sour expression that was barely concealed by a mask of confusion. 

For the first time upon aiming at someone's head, I felt my hands trembled. 

Why does my hand hesitate to pull the trigger, when I've never hesitated before? 

I felt as though a huge part of me died right then and there.