Sun-drenched
The word drips like sticky honey,
sweetening your lips,
lazily
dripping off your fingertips,
and dozing in the soft sand.
Curling into a ball of liquid sun
that drizzles warm, molten-buttery gold.
Like eyelashes bathed in quiet, gentle light
fluttering like the pages of a book,
like cozy pavement that’s been out in the sun all day
and that saves her heat as evening falls
resisting the cool air of night,
who pulls at her warm treasure.
When the sun favors a cold day
the rays soaks into your skin,
into your veins,
until your arteries are gilded,
until your blood glows gold.
Like laughing because of everything (or a post it note stuck to your sleeve),
like reading a perfect story
lost in an impossible world.
Thought I'd never meet
someone so full of light,
but I was wrong
because of sun-drenched you.
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138,078 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hi there,
Firstly, I like your title a lot. I don't often associate the sun with the word 'drenched', so it made me interested. I liked the imagery in this poem a lot especially in the lines:
"the word drips like sticky honey"
"fluttering like the pages of a book"
"until your blood glows gold"
I just thought these three lines were really provocative and pretty, which added to the poem. I felt it was an easy poem to read, which I always like.
The thing I wasn't so keen on was the very last line. I felt it just didn't quite work, and that 'sun-drenched' almost got repeated too much. I think it ended the poem well, but I also think that last line could have been a touch better. (These are just my opinions though)
Well done, and I can't wait to read more.
thanks! I'm so happy to hear you liked it. I love your suggestions and will continue to work on this!
Hi there, Judge94! Niteowl here to review.
Overall, I really liked the imagery in this piece. It was fun to read out loud and really interesting.
One thing I'd reconsider is the constant repetition of "sun-drenched". Repetition is one of those tricky poetic devices. Done well, it can be really effective, but it's really easy to overdo as well. I think it works at the end, and maybe in the first line, but not so well in the middle.
When I read this out loud, the adverbs tripped me up. I suggest cutting them to improve the flow.
I'd also take another look at the punctuation. You might know that there's a lot of ways poets commonly punctuate, summarized here: Punctuation in Poetry. Right now, it seems like you have almost no punctuation, aside from a few commas. This makes the flow a little tricky to figure out. I generally use (and suggest using) sentence punctuation because it helps the reader and makes the piece flow better.
Overall, this was beautiful and used a lot of cool imagery and metaphors. Keep writing!
thanks so much for the review! it's wonderful to have some fresh eyes on my writing
Hey Judge94,
I quite liked your poem, because it was different. I kinda like the whole idea of sun-drenched. There are still places to improve though. I find it a little confusing at the start when you move from first perspective to third.
Grammar is something you should look out for as well. You don't have any commas, and you're missing a few capital letters
Hope this review helped
Thanks so much for the insights! You pointed out some stuff I didn't even think about