z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

"Knife fight with Mark: Free"

by JosephHazel2


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

http://themetapicture.com/pic/images/2015/09/26/funny-barber-sign-haircut-price.jpg

A man in a trench coat walks in and the lights dim as he sits down. No one questions it. He stares down the barber as he walks up to him. The man quickly pulls a knife and begins cleaning under his fingernails. 

"I wanna see Mark." The barber nods. A cage lowers from the ceiling and surrounds the stranger and the barber and the barber walks out a door in the cage as another man brings in a large wooden box and a crowbar. He uses the crowbar to open the box and then runs out, locking the door behind him. Mark has been unleashed. 

More animal than man, Mark dashes at the man on all fours with a knife in his mouth. The man is clever and throws his knife at Mark, but Mark has fought many a clever man before and catches it out of the air and leaps up, grabbing the knife from his mouth as well, ready to kill the challenger. The man is faster than Mark expected, sidestepping out of the way and opening his trenchcoat in one fluid motion. Mark rolls away from the man and turns to see what was hiding in the trenchcoat. 

Knives. Dozens of them. Long knives, short knives, thin knives, broad knives. Mark wants them all. He storms the man with hell-bent fury, his knives flashing downward to make an X. The man pulls out two broad knives and parries both the strikes, finishing the move with a swift Sparta kick to the chest. However, on the way back Mark manages to slit open the challenger's arm. Shocked at the pain the man drops his knife. He composes himself quickly, but not as quickly as Mark as he leaps again at the wounded man. The man ducks, exposing his back to the two knives which weave scarlet trails in their wake. 

The man is strong and runs to the other side of the cage whilst grabbing a short but broad knife and throwing it behind him to buy some time. It works, cutting a small chunk of flesh from the Mark's calve. Mark doesn't care. He charges again, but the man is ready this time, pulling a long slender elegant knife from a pocket close to his heart. He wields it as a sword, thrusting and slicing at Mark. Mark falls back, unaccustomed to this skill in swordplay. 

He does not stay stagnant for long, running around to the left of the man, circling him. The man, eager to let Mark tire himself, allows him to run unaffected. Suddenly Mark leaps up above the man and throws one of his knives at the man's legs and then thrusts downward at the challenger's head. The man takes the blow to his leg, letting the knife carve deep into his thigh as he raises his knife against Mark's. A single ringing of steel sounded throughout the barbershop before the two grabbed the other's wrist with their free hand. The man, weakened by the knife in his leg, fell to the ground with Mark on top of him. Mark screams in his face and he pushes against the man, trying the drive his knife into his throat. No man could defeat Mark in a battle of strength, and all the man can do is push the knife away from his throat and into his shoulder. But the man's knife was longer and managed to stab Mark just above the ribcage. 

In a final throw of the dice, the man lets go of the knife, reaches into his coat and pulls out a knife at random. A thick, heavy, short knife. He grips its firm handle and in a final effort, slashes Mark across the chest, almost missing his heart. Mark reels back, arms failing. The man tries to rise, but cannot, the knife in his thigh still drawing blood. The barber who greeted him runs up with a large first aid kit and cares for the man's wounds; the barber who brought Mark in begins mopping up the blood and throws a blanket over Mark who quiets instantly. Light snoring can be heard from under the blanket. A third barber comes in as the cage rises again and carefully picks up Mark and takes him into the back room. The first barber has idle conversation with the man about whether or not he wants to be the next Mark as the customers having their hair trimmed and beards groomed comment on the fight. Not the best, most of them said. But definitely better than last week.


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Mon Mar 19, 2018 5:30 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here to provide a review. Please feel free to reject any suggestion deemed unhelpful. Apologies if I offend, not my intention. That having been said:

I like the mysterious tone that the story establishes from the outset. Who is this man? What is he seeking? Why in a barbershop. What are the barber and he up to? What is inside that crate? What exactly does the beast want?

The conclusion was also mysterious since it seems as if there really was no monster at all and that each barbershop client takes turns beig a monster for the entertainment of the others who will be the next man. Weird! Something akin to a Twilight Zone episode with its quint conclusions.

Suggestions

Avoiding the unnecessary repetition of nouns is important since it can prove annoying. It reduced by using pronouns such as: [he, it, him, his, himself,] instead.

I found the incessant repetition of “man” and “the man” distracting.

1. A man in a trench....
2. The man quickly pulls....
3. another man brings....
4. More animal than man,
5. Mark dashes at the man
6. The man is clever
7. a clever man

8. The man is faster....

9. Mark rolls away from the man....

10. The man pulls out....

11. another man brings in....

12. More animal than man,

13. Mark dashes at the man....

14. ....the man drops his knife.

15. ....wounded man.

16. The man ducks,

17. The man is strong

18. The man is ready

19. left of the man,

20. The man, eager to let....

21. the man's legs

22. The man takes the blow

23, The man, weakened

24. No man could

25. all the man can do....

26. But the man's knife
27. the man lets go
28. The man tries
39. the man's wounds;
30. conversation with the man


Adjectives help the reader imagination to visualize.

A man in a [beige? black? blue? ] trench coat

....under his[long?] fingernails.

The beast man Mark’s physical appearance, [black furred? brown furred? completely hairless? hunchbacked? Weight? Height? Smell? Facial features? Growl? Howl?”] should be described in detail so that the reader can imagine him and his movements more clearly. This applies to the man as well. Is he young man? Old man? Muscular? Skinny? Tall? Stout? Pot bellied? White? Black? Chinese? Tone of voice? ]

The man quickly pulls a [ Ten-inch? Switchblade, Bowie?] knife

"I wanna see Mark." [he grunts]

....the [massive wooden?] door behind him.

A cage [descends]....

....large wooden [crate]


....locking [it].... [To avoid word-repetition]

....catches it and leaps,.... [Reader knows it’s in the air. Reader assumes that the leap is up since Mark wasn’t described as being perched above the man.]

Mark rolls away and turns.... [Reader knows Mark is rolling away from the man.]

....his knives flashing downward.... [Whose knives? What is a Sparta kick?] The kick that was used in the film is called a front kick.

Interesting read. Looking forward to reading more of your work.




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Tue Jul 04, 2017 2:18 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Joseph. I'm Pan, and I'll be frying up a review for you today.

I love the set up of this piece. It's so ridiculous. You handle the humour really subtly; you trust in the reader to understand the ludicrousness of the situation, never pushing for comedy or trying to make it obvious that they should find it funny. The solemn tone of the writing gives it a mock-seriousness that only adds to the humour. I don't know if you've ever read or listened to Welcome to Night Vale, but it reminds me of that. It's got the same kind of surreal vibe.

I'll second Sassafras in saying that you need to sort the formatting. There's no reason for the whole piece to be in italics, and you definitely definitely definitely need some paragraphs in there. It doesn't look very inviting at the moment, and a lack of paragraphs affects the reading experience much more than you'd think.

If you're unsure as to how to paragraph, remember that the basic rule of thumb is new idea = new line. You should start a new line whenever you introduce a new topic or whenever a new character speaks.

Anyway, that said, I'll move onto more specific critiques. I usually work through pieces chronologically and then round off with some general points, so that's what I'll do with this one.

A man in a trench coat walks in and the lights dim as he sits down. No one questions it.


Solid first line. Really intriguing.

The man quickly pulls a knife and begins cleaning under his fingernails.


It's a tiny point, but I feel like pulling a knife quickly doesn't quite fit the idle, lazy image of him cleaning under his fingernails with it. I don't feel like you need this adverb at all.

A cage lowers from the ceiling around the two and another man brings in a large wooden box and a crowbar.


The first time I read this, my first thought was 'how can a ceiling be around someone?' Do you mean that the cage lowers from the ceiling and encloses two people? Which two people? It can't be the barber and the man in the trenchcoat, because the man in the trenchcoat has to fight. Is there someone else that the cage covers that you haven't yet mentioned?

My point is this is a very unclear sentence. Clarify that the cage is lowered in order to cover people (if that is what's happening) and clarify which two people are being covered.

He uses the crowbar to open the box and then quickly runs out


'Quickly' is an unnecessary adverb here. By saying that he runs out, we already know he's moving quickly. If you want to convey extra speed or urgency, try for a stronger verb, such as 'scrambled' or 'darted'. Don't rely on adverbs unless you have to.

The man was faster than (Mark?) expected, sidestepping out of the way and opening his trenchcoat in one fluid motion.


Tense slippage. Should it not be 'the man is faster than Mark expected', seeing as the piece is in present tense?

turns to see what was hiding in the trenchcoat


Another tense slippage. Should be 'is'.

Mark wanted them all. He stormed the man with hell-bent fury,


And again. It should be 'Mark wants them all. He storms the man with hell-bent fury'.

but not as quickly as Mark leaps again at the wounded man.


This feels like two clauses smushed into one: 'but not as quickly as Mark' and 'as Mark leaps again at the wounded man'. It doesn't make sense. You could rephrase it as: 'but not as quickly as Mark, who leaps again at the wounded man'.

as he raised his knife against Mark's. A single ringing of steel sounded throughout the barbershop before the two grabbed the other's wrist with their free hand. The man, weakened by the knife in his leg, fell to the ground with Mark on top of him. Mark screamed in his face and he pushed against the man, trying the drive his knife into his throat. No man could defeat Mark in a battle of strength, and all the man could do was push the knife away from his throat and into his shoulder. But the man's knife was longer and managed to stab Mark just above the ribcage. In a final throw of the dice, the man let go of the knife, reached into his coat and pulled out a knife at random. A thick, heavy, short knife. He gripped its firm handle and, in a final effort, slashed Mark across the chest, almost missing his heart.


It's an exciting section, but it's all in past tense. You need to convert it to match the rest of the piece. Present tense can be a tricky one to write in, so be sure to check over your work after you've written it to make sure you haven't slipped anywhere.

ran up with a comically large first aid kit


I'm not sure how much it adds for you to say that it's comically large. It just feels like telling writing, and it's the one point in the piece where you seem to be forcing the humour on us. I'd delete it, but it's up to you.

Not the best, most of them said. But definitely better than last week.


I like these closing lines. It's so mundane and casual, it really works.

Overall Points

I agree with Sassafras that your style of writing is a bit too much like a script. It's very clinical. Your description is rooted more in what's actually happening rather than how it feels, which means that I feel quite distant from the action. I'd like you to focus more on the sensory feelings of the fight - the heat of the blood splattering their skin, the driving ache in their muscles from grappling with each other, stuff like that. You don't need to be as specific as you are being, I think.

I think there's something repetitive about your sentence structure, too. They all follow the similar vein of 'the man did this' and 'the man did that', which can feel a bit monotonous after a while. Change it up a bit. Don't start all of your sentences in the same way. Play with the syntax and the length and it will be much more interesting to read. In prose-heavy pieces, its key that the writing feels varied.

Anyway, I'll leave it there. I love the idea of this piece and it was really amusing to read; you just need to work on integrating a bit more sensory description and variation into the actual prose. And make sure it's formatted properly - that's the first thing to work on!

Hope this helped! If you've any questions, just ask.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




JosephHazel2 says...


Thanks for the advice! The reason it wasn't in paragraphs was because it was written in 40 minutes at 11 o'clock at night. I realized it needed paragraphs, but, I was too lazy. :P And it's in italics because the original discord message this was based off was in italics, and I'd like to pay homage to it's humbe beginning. (long story.)



Panikos says...


Haha, understandable. :D



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Tue Jul 04, 2017 7:38 am
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Sassafras wrote a review...



Hiya! First off, just a little code help. If you use [img]link[/img] this format, then your pictures will ahow up automatically in your document. Like this

Image


Just make sure the link ends with .jpg.



Okay, onto the review. The first thing that stands out to me is that you have the entirety of your work posted in italics. Also, there are no paragraph breaks or anything like formatting here, which makes this hard to get through. No one likes a wall of text.

If you were to break this up into paragraphs it will be much easier to read and more appealing to the eye. While reading, I often lost my place among the words.

That being said, I enjoyed the actual knife fight. The way the action was written painted a clear movie in my mind of Mark and the man fighting around. However, the fact that they were in a barber shop completely slipped by me and the location and environment was unfamiliar and left up to my imagination - it became a old-western bar. I see that you mentioned they were barbers, but, still it was lost to everything else going on.

I get the dramatics of this piece. The multitude of knives is dramatic and over the top, and it could be funny, but I found that the humor of it all was somewhat lost amidst the gore. Because of this, the "comically large first aid kit" jarred me when I read it. I was so focused on the fight and who was going to win that the thought of anything being funny was the last thing on my mind.

This could be because of your writing style. It reads like a description in a script, to me. There's a lot of showing and not as much telling. I can see why you would choose this style to write in, though. It makes it very easy for the fight scene to be understood and visualized. However, it blocks out a lot of emotion because your characters are basically props.

I believe it would help a lot if some description and dialogue was added in. By inserting some comedy through funny descriptions of actions and some banter between the combatants, you would set up the tone of the piece.

That said, I did still enjoy the piece. And if it was your intention to trick the reader into a serious atmosphere but then surprise them with the ridiculousness of it all, then disregard the previous review. However, I do still think your intentions should be made more obvious.

But I did end up laughing at the end, either way xD


Keep writing ^^

Sassy




Rook says...


Will BBC Code really work within YWS's text editor in the publishing center? I always thought you either had to upload the picture or else just link to it because the coding is different?



Sassafras says...


Let me check on that. I'm not sure if things have changed - I have been gone for a looooong time xD.



Sassafras says...


Ah, it doesn't. So sorry, Joseph, for the inaccurate information. I actually couldn't get an image to show up at all. When I tried to upload the image, nothing showed up. This could be because I'm using FireFox, though.



sheysse says...


If I remember correctly, the publishing center runs on HTML code, so this code should display the image. <img src="http://themetapicture.com/pic/images/2015/09/26/funny-barber-sign-haircut-price.jpg">



sheysse says...


I just tried to test it, but I'm on mobile, so it doesn't show up. Not sure if that is a problem with my platform or the coding.



JosephHazel2 says...


Thanks for the advice! I would write out a response but it'd be too much like my response to DarkPandemonium. I'll give you a like though.




The first draft is a trip to the amusement park. The next drafts are returning there as a safety inspector.
— SunsetTree