Radrook here to provide a review. Please feel free to reject any suggestion deemed unhelpful. Apologies if I offend, not my intention. That having been said:
I like the mysterious tone that the story establishes from the outset. Who is this man? What is he seeking? Why in a barbershop. What are the barber and he up to? What is inside that crate? What exactly does the beast want?
The conclusion was also mysterious since it seems as if there really was no monster at all and that each barbershop client takes turns beig a monster for the entertainment of the others who will be the next man. Weird! Something akin to a Twilight Zone episode with its quint conclusions.
Suggestions
Avoiding the unnecessary repetition of nouns is important since it can prove annoying. It reduced by using pronouns such as: [he, it, him, his, himself,] instead.
I found the incessant repetition of “man” and “the man” distracting.
1. A man in a trench....
2. The man quickly pulls....
3. another man brings....
4. More animal than man,
5. Mark dashes at the man
6. The man is clever
7. a clever man
8. The man is faster....
9. Mark rolls away from the man....
10. The man pulls out....
11. another man brings in....
12. More animal than man,
13. Mark dashes at the man....
14. ....the man drops his knife.
15. ....wounded man.
16. The man ducks,
17. The man is strong
18. The man is ready
19. left of the man,
20. The man, eager to let....
21. the man's legs
22. The man takes the blow
23, The man, weakened
24. No man could
25. all the man can do....
26. But the man's knife
27. the man lets go
28. The man tries
39. the man's wounds;
30. conversation with the man
Adjectives help the reader imagination to visualize.
A man in a [beige? black? blue? ] trench coat
....under his[long?] fingernails.
The beast man Mark’s physical appearance, [black furred? brown furred? completely hairless? hunchbacked? Weight? Height? Smell? Facial features? Growl? Howl?”] should be described in detail so that the reader can imagine him and his movements more clearly. This applies to the man as well. Is he young man? Old man? Muscular? Skinny? Tall? Stout? Pot bellied? White? Black? Chinese? Tone of voice? ]
The man quickly pulls a [ Ten-inch? Switchblade, Bowie?] knife
"I wanna see Mark." [he grunts]
....the [massive wooden?] door behind him.
A cage [descends]....
....large wooden [crate]
....locking [it].... [To avoid word-repetition]
....catches it and leaps,.... [Reader knows it’s in the air. Reader assumes that the leap is up since Mark wasn’t described as being perched above the man.]
Mark rolls away and turns.... [Reader knows Mark is rolling away from the man.]
....his knives flashing downward.... [Whose knives? What is a Sparta kick?] The kick that was used in the film is called a front kick.
Interesting read. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Points: 664
Reviews: 841
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