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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi, there! I'm @Daughter, here with a review!
This is such a cute and interesting concept. It made me smile, and it was so beautifully written, which is truly just the icing on the cake.
There wasn't much of a rhyme scheme, but that didn't bother me in the slightest. Your flow was excellent, save a few places, but I'll get to that momentarily. There weren't a whole lot of issues that I had with your work overall - you really did a great job expressing emotion through personification, which can be difficult to do. After all, humans aren't objects (or in this case, umbrellas), and because of this, most writers find it challenging to enhace human feelings through something that isn't living. But you seem to have done so quite flawlessly, and for that, I applaud you.
Now, in terms of the little criticism I do have; as I said before, there are parts of your piece that become a little chunky, and I wanted to point them out to you and see if I can help with them at all.
This is such a pretty snippet of your piece, but it's a little wordy.
I did realize that you were attempting to keep each stanza three lines long, and for the most part, you did so successfully without there being any technical issues. This particular line, however, seems like it just needs to be split into two. If that means either eliminating one half or the other or just modifying it all together, you may want to consider doing so in order to restore the balance of your work.
Quite honestly, the same goes for this one. However, this did raise a bit of a question for me; umbrellas don't have arms, per se. What was your meaning behind this? Was it simply the personification of the umbrella coming to life? Or did you mean something else?
I'd like to ask you to review your piece and please consider what I've said. You've done such beautiful work here, and I'm so thrilled that I got to read it! I can't wait to see what you put out next.
Thanks for sharing,
Daughter
Hello! FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely day, and to tell you what I thought of your work!
So let's get to the review!
So I think the others have pointed out all the things that really need to be fixed really well, so I'm not going to go into that stuff.
So other that stuff I think you did a great job of this poem, all the emotion was there and it was so very deep and it touched me in many ways, when I read the title to this poem I thought it was real umbrellas in the rain, but what I got from this poem, and that I think you meant is that the umbrellas were the two people being with one another, in a storm that could be their emotions. But I could be wrong, but that is what I got out of this poem. And to me that meant so much, and it was very touching.
I loved the way you have put your punctuation, it all seems to be in the right place giving the poem the best type of flow, allowing all that needs to be felt, to be felt.
Over all this poem was amazing and I just loved reading this amazing work. You really blew me away, and I look forward to seeing more of your work on YWS soon. I hope you never stop writing and have a great day or night.
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion!
well said!!
Hi, Joseph!
I like what you did here with the umbrella metaphor. You really tied that in with your theme rather seamlessly, I thought. I particularly like how you started it all, likening them to two sopping rags.
The progression into the rain stopping was really a lovely development that emphasized the poem's theme of two sitting alone whatever the weather may bring.
The ending was a bit vague, which kinda fit with the whole weather thing as you never really know what the weather will bring. I think the last stanza + line could probably be worked into the poem a little better, though. It never really built up to the speaker feeling warm, and the sentence itself doesn't make much sense. "No more raindrops on my head. Just a blanket of water as we wait together because somehow, I'm warm." There's a blanket of water because the speaker is warm? It's how I'm reading it, and I'm not really making sense of it.
So there probably could be more added to the piece to better support the idea of being warm after a cold rain shower, maybe even tie it into being with someone else and their body heat or something like that. The idea itself is left somewhat hanging here, so the piece feels incomplete.
Overall, though, I like what you're doing here and see this has a lot of potential! A very sweet poem and very relatable.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Dear Joseph Hazel,
Thank you for giving the world this lovely poem! It beautifully describes the feelings that I assume you're trying to convey---being in the cold with someone you care about, feeling warm against the frigid air. I think one thing that could make it flow a little more is deciding whether you are going to capitalize the first letter of each line or not. Currently, it feels like a cluster of beautiful sentences split up into stanzas, and I think you could format the stanzas a little differently to make it a little more fluid.
"under my curls. Your shoulder" --- this part, for instance, as one line feels a little odd. I think it might flow better if you added the "under my curls" to the previous stanza, and then just started this stanza with "Your shoulder."
Then again, poetry is strange, and there aren't really many hard-and-fast rules, so just do whatever you feel like, really.
Lots of love,
Yorrick