I woke up, hoping today was going to be a good day. The sun shone outside brightly and cast a beautiful array of lights into my room through my window. It was my first day at a new school in a new country. I was an American raised boy from Washington, now living Britain. They called us yanks. I would stick out like a sore thumb in the school, but due to my father's death and my mother's abandonment of me, I now have to live with my aunt in London. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. People say that Britain is just like America only with slight differences, but to me it felt like they were two different worlds.
I ran down the stairs, my pants half way up my legs. The rough fabric of it irritated my skin. Knowing my luck, I was allergic to my school uniform. My aunt sent in a video of me playing trumpet to a private specialty school, after two months of tense waiting they accepted me, barely. They said that they don't usually accept trumpet players of my playing style, which was just a veiled attempt at saying that they think Americans are all stupid. Just my luck, not only do I have an American accent but the school is biased.
After I scarfed down a quick meal of dry toast and eggs, I bolted out the door. My backpack hung off of one of my arms and flailed as I ran down the street. I was late; I was always late to everything I did. My mind wasn't built to store things like dates in it. My mind was wired artistically.
I made it to a bus stop just as a bus began to pull out.
The driver looked at my uniform. “You going to Ruth?” he asked referring to my school.
“Yea, and can you make it fast I'm running late,” I breathed heavily, leaning on my knees for support.
He looked at me surprised. “Where are you from? Your accents not from around here. To tell you the truth I thought only locals got into Ruth.”
I shook my head, taking a seat near the driver, I scratched at my brown hair. “I'm from America, uh, Washington.”
“Washington? Never heard of it. Heard of New York though,” the driver laughed, his big belly shook and his mustache moved up and down as his laughter echoed through the bus.
“Yea, I'm sure you have,” I started drifting off as I looked out the window of the bus, the shops and people raced bye in a rush of colors and streaks like a beautiful water color painting. The driver continued to talk to me but it was all a blur. I wonder what my life's gonna be like now. I wonder if anybody will like me. Do girls from Britain think American accents are sexy?
My thoughts continued like this until the bus came to a stop in front of my school. I looked up, startled out of my day dreams.
“-And that is why you never pay for eel at full price,” the driver said to me as I paid him.
“Uh, yea, that eel... full price,” I mumbled off handedly to him as I tripped down the stairs of the bus. I fell in a small puddle of mud, my elbows now colored a light soggy brown.
“Aw shit, really?” I groaned to no one in particular.
I got up and saw the giant school in front of me.
“Seventy three, Second Street,” I muttered to myself as I looked at the writing on my hand, the blue ink now smudged.
A slight breeze chilled me and I pulled my jacket closer to my chest. My trumpet had been left in America and it was going to take a few weeks for it to arrive, but even then I missed having it, ever since my father had died it was my last memento of him. I looked around the giant campus in awe. I thought my last school in Washington was big, but this was just ginormous. I was a Freshmen, I wondered if they called it something else here.
End of chapter
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138,383 Literary Works • 672,113 Reviews
Heyya! Here for the second review. (Bee tee dubs, I find it funny that I'm joining in on this consecutive train of reviews with Cow, Aq, and Veer...lol.)
I just ate a big meal >_> and I just got really tired all of a sudden, so this review won't be as long as the other one. (Sorry for reviewing an older work, but the way. It's your second most recent prose, and that's what I'm good at at.)
This one is a pretty short chapter, but it is pretty funny. It's interesting to think of an American moving over to Britain while following in all of the American stereotypes, so when the bus driver said he only knew of New York, it did make me giggle. ('Cause it's soooo true!)
The narrator (I don't think a name was mentioned yet) seems to be having a rough day—poor guy!—but it only adds to the humor. As for advice, I think you can, once again, add in the details. Make the story pulse and come alive, and try to reach for the vividness. It will bright up the whole story, I guarantee it.
Oh, and:
Bahahaha.
But anyways, I think that's all. Good job in writing this!
Keep writing!
~Carina
Hey there Jon
It my first day at a new school, in a new country.
... from Washington now living Britain... they called us yanks.
... But due to my father's death and my mothers abandonment of me...
... with slight differences but to me it felt like...
... way up my legs, the rough fabric of...
... quick meal of dry toast and eggs...
... I was late, I was always...
I just made it to a bus as it strated to pull out of the stop.
“Yeah,[b] and can you make it fast[b]? I'm running late.”
I wonder if anybody will like me?...
... me as I payed him.
“Awww shit, really?”
... they called it something else there.
Welcome to YWS!
So you wrote something humorous, aye? Let's see how funny it is after I point out every small mistake I can find.
You seem to like using '...' a lot. You should fix that.
Spoiler
The comma isn't needed here.
Spoiler
You need a comma after 'Washington', and replace the thee dots with a single period.
Spoiler
Put a comma before the 'but', you don't need to make it a new sentence. And 'mothers' should have an apostrophe before the 's'.
Spoiler
You need a comma before 'but'.
Spoiler
That comma should be a period.
And in the next sentence, change 'school uniform' to 'it'.
These repeated dots get annoying. Try italicizing the words after instead.
Spoiler
There's no need to say what he was eating unless it's relevant to the story.
Spoiler
That comma should be a semi-colon.
And the following few sentences are a bit awkwardly worded, I suggest reading them over.
Spoiler
Besides correctly spelling 'started', if you wanted this sentence to make sense, it should be worded this way: I made it to the bus stop just as a bus began to pull in.
You're missing a few punctuation marks over the next few lines:
Spoiler
"Your accent's not from around here."
“I'm from America, uh, Washington.”
“Washington? Never heard of it. Heard of New York, though.”
[/spoiler] ... I wonder what my life's gonna be like now... [/spoiler]
'Gonna' is not a real word. It's 'going to'.
And there are those dots again.
Spoiler
You used different punctuation marks. Bad. Just put a single period.
Spoiler
'Paid', not 'payed'.
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Only one 'w' is needed. Really.
Spoiler
You mean 'here', not 'there'.
The rest was okay.
You have a pretty great story going, but I don't really see the 'humorous' part of it. Maybe I was just missing something that was obviously hilarious, or I was distracted by all these errors I found.
Either way, it's still a great story, and you're doing great work.
Keep it up.
Thanks for commenting! I'm going to fix those grammatical mistakes soon. The first part was just to set plot, what the stories about, ext... read the second part, its much funnier and introduces another character, plus you get to know more about how the main character thinks and his personality. I hope you read the second part, tell me my grammar sucks (which it does) I correct it, my writing becomes better and we continue this way as I keep updating with more chapters. Sound like a deal? (plus I don't think there are any ... in the second chapter)
Ignore the last part of my comment, there are actually 2 ... in the second chapter.
Here to review!
My name is Omniyus, and I will be reviewing your work today!
I am cutting out some of my regular reviewing style because I am extremely tired, but I'll try and do as well as I can with what I'm giving.
I usually do two categories with various unamed subcategories, but I'll just stick with one for now: Storyline.
I like the mystery in this. It is subtle, but it's still there. This story intrigues me for the simple fact that you can easily put yourself into the main character's shoes. You are basically thrown into a world that is moving fast, apparently much faster than you can go with it. That is something I don't see very often withing stories and I am just itching to read your second chapter!
Right more and I hope this helps, even if it isn't like I usually do it.
I give this work an 8 out of 10 in Storyline.
Thanks,
Omniyus
A Review for You: Barnyard Review for "Yank" by Jon 7670
While perusing the recent literary works of the Young Writer's Society home page, I happened to glance and see a piece entitled "Yank: Chapter 2." I thought about reviewing it, but then realized a disturbing fact: 2 comes after 1. That means that I would be reading the story out of chronological order. How could I do something that crass and indignant. So, sure enough, when I clicked the link, on the lighter blue sidebar was a link for the first chapter. I clicked the link. And I'm glad I did.
The first thing that struck me when reading this was that it seemed like something that I would want to read. The first reason for that is that it deals with British stereotypes of America, and vice verse, and I am attracted to this kind of information, because like most stupid plebeians, I use stereotypes to stay informed about every different group of people. I find them to be a valuable source of information.
In all seriousness though, I was interested to see a piece that took the American out of his home environment of Washington State or Washington DC (The author did not clarify this) and smacked him in the middle of London, in the nation of the Cockney and Proper (or at least this is who the media told me British people are). It's interesting to see practical applications of international relations.
The second thing that drew me to this was the character, the artist, who is attending this new school. The character has an interesting dynamic, because he is not the stereotypical nerd, nor is he an arrogant, apathetic liberal-arts type. He is instead a self-conscious "normal" kid, who has fears, empathy-evoking personality aspects, and is a musician. I am interested as to what comes next in the life of the kid.
As for the actual execution, the story is no masterpiece, but it does seem to be trying its hardest to build up into something really good. I can clearly see the inspiration drawn from similar works of the genre, and in some cases, and this may be one, that is a very good thing.
The writing is pretty good, as seen from use of varied sentences and some nice word choice. You can see that it isn't just using recycled tropes of itself, and that breathes new life into any piece. There are certain places where the the author needs to revise their diction (e.g. "unfortunately girls only like jocks, not scattered brain artists that stare out the window during Geometry, dreaming of art and pretty girls." The author says "art" and "girl" or variations thereof twice in the same sentence. If I were to meet the author in real life, I would ask him/her to try to change it up by saying "expression" and "women" instead or something.), however for the most part, the piece seems pretty good.
Obviously there are grammatical and spelling and other mechanics errors, but I will not waste space and time by telling the author something they already know with a spell-check.
Overall, I would recommend this piece to people who are fans of the exchange student-type genre or are interested to see some intercultural dynamics or character developments. Author, if you are reading this, you have done a good job.
6/10
Hello. Mind if I point out some grammatical mistakes?
Good word, but it's actually spelled (or spelt?) "shone".
What we have here is a run-on sentence. It can easily be fixed by turning it into two or three sentences. Maybe "The rough fabric of the uniform irritated my skin; knowing my luck, I was probably allergic to it" for the second?
I'm honestly stuck for the technical phrase, but the plural "artists" doesn't agree with the singular "his".
See how you've written "as" twice in this phrase?
Don't be forgetting that apostrophe.
Hey Jon!
As with Charlie II below me, I was drawn towards the comedy aspect of your story. But - and I guess this is my main criticism - I felt like the entire story itself didn't speak comedy to me.
The basis for your story is basicly a fish out of water, alien in a strange land story. While it could be a good basis for a humorous story, I would rather see the dramatic changes and challenges in it. Even towards the end you mention the MC's deceased father and his connection towards the trumpet, something i feel you should have put more focus on.
I don't read too much humour, but I'd like to see more of it. So I'll familiarize myself with more of it, but I feel this didn't speak that much to me.
Also some grammatical errors here and there, but those are easily fixable. They get hammered in with time.
Keep it up!
Cheers.
Hey jon7670,
I suppose I'm always drawn to pieces that have been tagged as humour because I like to see how the author has done it. For the most part you've got this spot on -- I especially like the comment about the eels! There is a lot of slapstick going on as well with the falling over and landing in puddles that I can't help but think is a little cliché. All those things happen over and over in cookie-cutter romantic comedies. To keep it fresh and funny you've got to find the funny things that aren't already overdone.
One thing that I'd like to point out (living in England myself) is that it's a bit unrealistic. I've never been on a bus where the driver has talked to me like that -- perhaps I've always had very grumpy drivers -- so I think the world you're building isn't necessarily a great reflection of how England really is.
But.
This could actually work nicely in your favour. As the voice of the story is *very* American (using all the terms like "pants" and "freshman") you've really got a story of a stereotypical American visiting a stereotypical England. So it doesn't need to be realistic if you're taking this approach. This also lets you get away with a lot more in the name of humour. So see if you can approach the writing in this way.
So far your character has made it to school and we know a bit about them. True there's an element of info-dumping, but it's not unbearable. I think that you should definitely get some proper character interaction with other main characters in as soon as possible so we get to know the narrator through more than just the paragraphs of description.
There's a lot set up and, I'm sure, a lot more to come. I look forward to reading a bit more of this. The writing was good from a technical point of view and the dialogue was very witty. I hope to read more from you soon!
Hey Jon!
As with Charlie II above me, i was drawn towards the comedy aspect of your story. But - and i guess this is my main criticism - i felt like the entire story itself didn't speak comedy to me.
The basis for your story is basicly a fish out of water, alien in a strange land story. While it could be a good basis for a humorous story, i would rather see the dramatic changes and challenges in it. Even towards the end you mention the MC's deceased father and his connection towards the trumpet, something i feel you should have put more focus on.
I don't read too much humour, but i'd like to see more of it. So i'll familiarize myself with more of it, but i feel this didn't speak that much to me.
Also some grammatical errors here and there, but those are easily fixable. They get hammered in with time.
Keep it up!
Cheers.
Thank you for the great pointers, I usually have someone go over my writing for spelling, grammatical mistakes, run on sentences, ext... but I haven't with this because it one of my more recent/low priority writings, I will definitely gear this more towards the comedy side more as I keep writing it, I am also new to a first person point of view in writing and am using this as more of an experiment with how creative I can get with the view point.