April
The breeze tilted me, but I swayed back.
The breeze tilted me, but I swayed back.
The breeze tilted me, but I swayed back.
I feel the showers, the showers on their way.
The breeze tilted me, but I swayed back.
The breeze tilted me, but I swayed back.
The breeze tilted me, but I swayed back.
The clouds are gathering, gathering to stay.
The breeze tilted me, but I swayed back.
The air is hot and heavy.
The breeze tilted me, but I swayed back.
I had never felt the showers, the showers on their way.
The breeze tilted me, but I swayed back.
I feel something else.
The breeze tilted me, but I swayed back.
A young girl, smiling, smiling down on me.
The breeze tilted me, but I swayed back.
She leaned down, whispering a wish into my petals.
The breeze tilted me, but I swayed back.
I would never feel the showers, the showers on their way.
The breeze titled me, but I swayed back.
She grabbed my body and
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,083 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
hey there JohnLocke1, it's dramamine here to give a quick review so here goes nothing! Even though repetition is the whole point of this poem, I feel like you go a little overboard with it to the point where it's barely a poem and just variations of the same phrases. Don't trust me though, it's your work after all. I like the general idea of this piece, I just wish you didn't rely so heavily on the line "the breeze titled me, but I swayed back." Because at some points, I just feel like you're just using it to fill space. Once again, this is just my opinion. I feel like you could expand more on this, I do like the imagery. Keep writing and have a great day!
hello,
I like your repetition and how that led me (aka the reader) to focus more on the sentences that were different, the way they were juxtaposed. (E.g. felt vs. never felt.) This might be a mistake but your whole poem is in past tense and one line is in present: "I feel something else," so you might want to change that. I also feel that the ending could use some work, even if it is only punctuation. I initially thought that you'd only uploaded a part of the poem and/or that the poem was incomplete since it ends in the middle of a sentence. I think that a couple dash marks at least would help the reader. And another thing about punctuation: you might not necessarily want one at the very end of every line. This is because if repeatedly used, it can remove the flow of the poem. I suspect you're writing from the POV of a flower, and not having such a stop-and-go-traffic way of making lines could make the entire piece seem to have a little more grace and continuity, suitable for a flower.
Hey Corrupted Arrow here with a review!
(The Comma Police is here! Anything I say here is just constructive criticism. If i offend you I apologize in advance.(I will try to be humorous.)
There are no spelling mistakes that I can see. Your commas are fine, it makes sense (the poem). I know from a readers point of view that you have put yourself in the point of view of a flower. You did really well in doing so.
Good job and have a good day!