Based off the last words of a brilliant writing book, Spilling Ink
Hey you!
Yeah you sitting at this computer.
You're awesome!
You want to know why?
Guess.
You can write.
Even though everybody told you that you couldn't.
You did and that's what matters.
You saved your future.
You defeated doubt,
You provided shelter for a million words.
And the best part is
YOUR WORDS WILL CHANGE THE WORLD!
So you better keep writing.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
It's really only fitting I review this, all things considered
But I also wanted to thank you for the wonderful reviews you left me.
So I'm sad to say I immediately dislikes this opening. I'm not exactly opposed to poems that talk to the reader, but there is an eloquent way to do it. There's a way to talk to us quietly with good words and a soft manner that makes the spirit just rise and instead of thinking that the speaker is annoying for yelling at me through the screen, I think about how I'm relating to the narrator and how you're encouraging me to think these things about myself, not just forcing them on me. Does that make sense I babble sometimes...
I really think you can find a better word than awesome. Not that you have to say all these words but here's an example of what the above paragraph is trying to say: "Listen to me, don't turn away, because you are special. Deep down inside I know you've got that fire, that passion, that knowledge of your place in this world. And maybe people have put you down, but I'm here to bring that small voice deep in your gut back out so you remember that it's telling you, you matter, you make a difference" Well I wrote that on the spot so don't judge me, but do you get it? It's a way to connect.
I like this line.
But the rest of the poem applies to what I said in that big long mess of a paragraph. Make it more eloquent, less forceful. I also have one more thing. I really really dislike all caps in poems. It just doesn't fit. It's so...texty. Teeny, childish? I don't know the word. I just feel like it's a no.
Okay that's it. I like the idea, and I think poems that talk to readers have the potential to be really great, but just try it employ the suggestions I made. If you do change anything, it'd be cool to read an updated version. Until then.
Au revoir.
Team Rouge.
Hey
Awesome peice here
Umaima here to give ya a short review
first of all I love your idea and the plot is amazing... there weren't any big grammatical and punctuation mistakes to stress on... also I loved the title I love this so much and I enjoyed reading it... you should keepy writing and trust me this was wonderful
happy review day
Umaima
Hey there! Knight Cailey here with a review on this busy review day.
I like this. A poem to the writer. It's brilliant, and definitely belongs on YWS, since this is the home of a lot of writings who always take pride in their words.
I think you could add a lot more imagery to this. Make it really stand out as something that was written by a writer and not just for writers. You know? Like the line: "providing shelter for a million words" is a brilliant line, I really like it. but, if you could add some more lines like that then this would be even better and would stand out more.
Also, if you added a little bit less punctuation this would be better. As it is there are a lot of breaks, and that makes the poem feel a little bit choppy and broken; it doesn't flow well.
I hope this was helpful. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
I really loved the theme of this, and I think you could even play on the idea of words changing the world even more, since it's your title and everything.
That's all. Happy review day,
and you better keep writing.
-Knight cailey
Am truly in love with this.i mean no matter the discouragement from people "even though they told you that you could not do it" you keeping writing on for your 'INK' alone, 'YOUR WORDS WILL CHANGE THE WORLD'. I strongly believe this write ahead.
Thanks and again welcome to YWS
Hi Joe,this is Dark again to review your poem!
It can be easily understood by taking the theme of "the role of the writer to the world '.Although simple, it is able to convey the message effectively.
# Hey you!
Yeah you sitting at this computer. -->I think you wrote this poem to a modern writers who use a computer to write. Modern writers indeed have the advantage with modern technology like today.
# You're awesome!
You want to know why?
Guess.
You can write. -->Well,of course writer can write!I see the point here,but just you give it all just like that.I mean,straight to the point and indeed the answer is a bit odd.
# Even though everybody told you that you couldn't.-->Why we can't?
You did and that's what matters.
You saved your future. -->What is the future is? you write it all in abstract words.It makes the reader feel boring while reading this part of your poem.You need to give a concrete words to make sure your poem become something interesting to read. You just need a little creativity here to improve this wonderful poem.I know you can.You have the potential!
# You defeated doubt,
You provided shelter for a million words.
And the best part is
YOUR WORDS WILL CHANGE THE WORLD!
So you better keep writing. -->I totally like the end!Well,it is breathtaking and well-written.The rhythm is nice!Keep it up!
Kudos,cheers
~Dark
Knight Dragon, here to bestow another Review Day review!
First of all, this is a poem, not a short story.
Second, technical stuff.
"Yeah you sitting at this computer.
You're awesome"
There should be a period after "awesome".
The same with "Guess".
"You can write
Even though everybody told you that you couldn't
You did and that's what matters"
These need periods or commas or something. Just tell me how I'm supposed to read the flow of that.
"You defeated doubt
You provided shelter for a million words
And the best part is
YOUR WORDS WILL CHANGE THE WORLD
So you better keep writing."
The same with this section. Give me punctuation! I don't know how this is supposed to be read unless you do. Am I supposed to have a little break after "You defeated doubt"? Am I supposed to pause after "You provided shelter for a million words"? Or are the first three lines of that quote in a series, with commas after each of them, all building up to those last two lines? Tell me because I want to know!
Hope this helps!
Happy Review Day!
First off, change this from being a short story to other, because it doesn't have enough material to live as a short story. Think of it as a dependant clause and the rest of the story as filter to make it independant! But should you choose to keep it as a short story, two words: Details. Details.
Another nitpick - title. Never use all caps in a title. It is considered yelling. Same with caps in your work, unless it is a character yelling in their dialogue.
Besides that, I felt the message you were trying to get across. And while I've never read this story you reference, it seems I should because this was good. It was a pleasure to read.
Nice work! Keep on writing.
For Team YWS Default Background,
~Iggy
Knight Malachi here to review on Review Day, and as a Knight of the Green Room.
So there are lots of short stories and poems composed about this subject of others not believing in you being able to write, and you overcoming it. I have to say that this is as good as them, and you took it from a little different angle.
Hey you!
Yeah you sitting at this computer.
those lines grab the reader's attention instantly. Good job with that.
Keep it up!
Sorry, meant to mark this as a review. Oops.
Protip: Next time, PM a mod. They'll get you the points you need c: (just be patient with the wait)