A little poem for YWS for encouraging my writing.
I think we can all relate to this.
You taught me how to fly.
Before I was stuck on the ground, longing for the sky.
I would search the barren landscape in search of a game
Something to pass time.
Now I can soar through the clouds and race with the birds
I can slice through the sky, race atop the heavens and sprint on air.
When I was grounded my wings seemed useless
I used them to open letters and uncork bottles.
You taught me how to use them.
You taught me how to fly.
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Where does the poem start? I am guessing it starts after the italics, You should make it more clear because I thought the italics were part of it but yeah I got confused.
This line is suddenly short in the poem of long lines. It makes me feel like the poem comes to a sudden hat simply because the line is too short, I suggest you give the line another clause to lengthen it before you get to passing the time, maybe about containing your boredom or something along the lines of that.
I feel this line has the opposite problem. It feels just a bit too wordy and yeah. Also you used the word race in the previous line you shouldn't use it again here it is bad to repeat a word like that.
I really like this line, saying you used them for the wrong thing, but it sort of contradicts what you just said. You just said that your wings were useless, but here you say they are useful by using them to do tasks no matter how small the task is.
Nice poem and keep it up and stay sexy you yes.
Hi Joe,I would like to review on this wonderful poem.I think you go through with a short time with this poem.
# You taught me how to fly.-->It is maybe a bit like cli·ché?A phrase or opinion that is overused and betrays a lack of original thought.
Before I was stuck on the ground, longing for the sky. -->I like the opening here.Something so nice and wonderful imaginary.
# I would search the barren landscape in search of a game-->Game?Can you describe what is it?
Something to pass time. -->Well,the title is a comparison between the feeling to YWS with 'fly' but now,these lines looks like out of topic.I don't get the real meaning here.
# Now I can soar through the clouds and race with the birds
I can slice through the sky, race atop the heavens and sprint on air. -->Finally back to the theme!This is beautiful.Well-written and good diction.
# When I was grounded my wings seemed useless-->You lost the rhythm here
I used them to open letters and uncork bottles.
You taught me how to use them.
You taught me how to fly. -->My dear,I hope to see more than this.You can improve this part ! Keep it up
Kudos,cheers
~Dark
Happy Review Day!
Ooh, nice poem! I can definitely relate! I will start off with a comment on the format. Nice decision with centering it. I always like my poems like that.
Okay, so let's take a look at the first two lines, or rather, the ends: fly and sky. It rhymes, yes? That bugs me, because then I expect the rest of the poem to rhyme, and it doesn't. Plus, those two are so overused. So what I suggest is alternatives or synonyms for one of those words, or both. Perhaps "soar" for fly? Whatever floats your boat - just a suggestion!
Besides that, I literally have no more quarrels with this. The imagery was beautiful! Also, very nice choice od words, especially with the last few lines. As a reader, I can say I realky feel your emotion and love for this site. You take the words out of my mouth!
Overall, nice job! It was a pleasure to read.
For Team Blue,
~Iggy
Thanks!
I know the first two line were bugging me too but I decided just to leave them.
But since you remarked on this I will change it.
Hey Hightop here to review-day to review!
Firstly, on your layout, this is very attractive to look at, but overall serves no purpose. I feel like it's kind of pointless, but it's your choice really.
I liked your descriptions and comparisons. Especially the metaphor of plot/poetry ideas to 'game'. Another one I liked is your metaphor of hands to wings. It made me think of how, as writers, our hands are our wings. Well it makes sense in my head.
I have no real problem with this. One thing that irked me a little was that you said "taught me to fly". With flying being a metaphor for writing, I think this seems a bit out of place. You were probably writing before YWS, so it didn't teach you how to 'fly', to use your words, but it taught you how to 'soar' (sticking with the flying metaphor). I think something along the lines of that would be a nice addition to this poem.
Other than that I had no problems with this poem. It was interesting and fun to read, and made me think back over my experience at YWS. Well done on this Joe, and keep writing
Yellow its Joe
Hmmm I guess what I meant to say is that they really encouraged me to write.
like the part
"When I was grounded my wings seemed useless
I used them to open letters and uncork bottles."
I did write but not to the same extent.