Just a fun little way to pass the time -- I've decided to create a flash fiction serial! Small doses of these two, among others, xD. Since it is a serial, please forego comments about it being too short and not containing enough info, for now. Enjoy!
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Maury & Marie
Blood speckled the walls, like angry pimples on an awkward teen’s face.
‘Show her, I will, I swear it,’ the wizened old man muttered. His arm thundered down again, sending a fresh wave of blood upward. ‘How am I not loving? I love, sure enough. Can’t say Old Maury doesn’t care for anythin’. Just not right.’
The woman’s face looked up at him, austere in death.
Her chest was split through the middle, steaming a little. Maury licked his fingers thoughtfully. ‘Still fresh,’ he said, happy. ‘Show her, alright.’
He dipped his hand into the open chest, cupping her heart. His face softened, a reverence shining from his eyes. This was what he lived for, this holiness. With a sharp tug, he ripped it out. It was fat and juicy. His mouth watered but he wouldn’t allow himself to taint it – it had to be perfect. Tottering on his tiptoes, he gently stalked forward. Out of the lounge room and into the bedroom where Marie had cloistered herself in a fit of self-pity for the past week.
The mesmerising scent of blood wafted in the air.
He opened the door, letting natural sunlight spill into the room. A dark pile on the bed stirred, but only a little. Just seeing it, he felt a little of his optimism dim. His heart ached – he just didn’t understand what was wrong with her.
‘Marie…ee….oh Marie…ee,’ he sang, ‘I have a gift for you.’
Just as he had sang to all those years ago on their honeymoon, he danced to the bed with hands soaked rich in red.
‘Go away,’ she croaked, from beneath the covers. ‘Just go away.’
He stopped dead.
Silence pooled between them, spoiled only by the plit-plit-plit of blood dropping on the floor. ‘I don’t want it,’ Marie said, this time with less authority and more of a quiver to her voice. She was fighting the enticing smell, she knew what he’d brought. He didn’t push the advantage, couldn’t bring himself to do it.
‘Why?’ Maury demanded, voice cracking.
Her body hunched, curling deeper into a foetal position. The musky stink of the unwashed festered. He didn’t need to see her to know her hair was filthy and lank, skin unwashed, eyes dull.
The heart dropped from limp fingers with a loud splat.
‘Why?’ he repeated. ‘You can’t even look me in the eye anymore.’ Despair seeped through his words.
He whirled from the room. A furious rush of heat flooded his system, an ugly warmth of emotion he wasn’t used to and didn’t know how to deal with. The heart remained, crushed, on the floor, leaking red tears.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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129,127 Literary Works • 671,501 Reviews
Hey Jiggy!
Long time, no read, eh?
First off, I liked it. For me it was a mixture of morbidity, fluff (as you say) and awesomeness.
I like the concept and I think that the length of the story works well. But I did kinda get the feeling that the MC was younger than you say he is.
The first sentence, was a great hook and I liked the ending. I like how in such a short way you illustrated their fizzled relationship.
The anymore pretty much led me to believe that their marriage had failed long ago, he just couldn't see it.
So, I felt sorry for the old man, even though I would seriously be scared of him if he were my husband and brought me a bleeding heart on our honeymoon...but I guess it's the thought that counts.
Great job and I look forward to reading more,
~ Angel
DUN DUN DUN! Cliffhanger! Get on it, man!
Haha, I don't consider that an argument, I consider it a discussion. ^^
If you raise an issue, I'd like you to see that I am at least considering and thinking about what you said, considering the effort you put in, ya know? Better than a blase 'thanks so much, now on you're way'.
Aaaand you raise a good point. Why indeed. I wasn't really thinking to be honest, I just had an awesome scene - well, a series of awesome scenes really - and wanted to write it. Who knows why villainous old farts do anything really? They're cannibals and they love feeding on the young, in his mind, he was doing a really nice thing - after all, it's what he'd want if he was feeling blue.
Of course, that, and why she refused it will be covered later, I promise.
LOL! Still trying to argue with your reviewers, eh? When will you ever learn?
Yep. You stumbled on my weakness. Still, instead of a proper review, I will ask two questions that I don't think were answered, and basically really confused me:
So... this isn't going to be a review. Really. Because it's late and stuff and this is essentially a fluff piece and I don't feel like writing much. Still, bloody hearts are awesome, especially when they're ripped out of people(!), and I can't resist.
1. Why? I don't really understand why a wizened old fart would cut open a woman and present the gift to his wife. And I think this is kind of important because your whole story is based on this premise.
2. Why not? Aside from the fact that it's a heart, which is pretty nasty in itself to most people, I don't understand why she would reject it. Again, this goes back to the first question. If this is essentially an act of love, then we need to know why it is, which means we need to understand why he would present this gift to his wife. That way, the emotional impact is fully realized and this story can be transformed into a fluff piece to a quirky odd piece which it deserves to be.
So, no excuses! Get editing! We need more stories about people getting their hearts ripped out... yep!
Heya, June,
Thanks for your comment. I don't really agree with though, haha.
First off - this is a piece of mine, right? xD It should just be a given that all is not as it seems, so don't go making assumptions about a character's strengths or weaknesses. Until I tell you how strong or how weak they are, you're really in the dark. I just don't write normal characters, do I? :p
I'd be insanely bored if I did.
Secondly, given the piece is all of a few hundred words, I'm a little bemused that you had an issue with the amount of emotion? Given the sparsity of words, any more emotion and it'd be heavily unbalanced.
Thirdly! This takes place somewhere in the middle of current events, which is to say, while you may think he gave up too easily, you're not inferring enough from the piece, as to how long they've been having a dilemma -- anyway, things of that nature I'll deal with later in a bit more depth.
Also, this is such a fluff piece for me, haha. I wrote it to break up the monotony of NaNo and I did it in about five minutes, for fun.
p.s...."the 'steaming a little' sounds a bit heavily unsure"
--a bit heavily is unsure; a little is just that. xD
Thanks very much for the crit!
Cheers
Good day, Jigsy! June here!
As far as first impressions go, I could appreciate this piece. The first thought that came to my mind was, "Yay, morbidity" but as I read on -- even though I'm aware that's intentionally a short piece-- there seemed to be something lacking.
I'm not sure how old your old man is, but your illustration of his actions seem a bit opposite of what I would imagine. The teetering on toes-- that seems a bit like a lot of labor for someone of old age. His monologue also doesn't seem right-- like, it's decent, but it's a little empty; it's not really giving us much emotion, dear.
Also! I don't really like the "shaky expression". The adverbs you use are a little on the weak side, not really delivering as much bang as they could. Like here:
Her chest was split through the middle, steaming a little. Maury licked his fingers thoughtfully.
I'd prefer you telling us that the body was lightly steaming, or whatever, but the 'steaming a little' sounds a bit heavily unsure, and I think you should kind of reinforce that. Aaand, thoughtfully sounds a little blase-- I'd prefer him licking them in thought or whatnot.
The ending seems a bit of rush. When he exits the room, it seems a little like he's given up with little effort, but I think he should have persisted a moment longer in trying to convince her, you know? It seems a little light, and for all that work, I think a heavier impression could easily be brought into play, dear.
Other than that, good work, Jigsy. Nice, easy language here; keep it up.
- June