Twilight City.
Prologue.
“They call him Shadow Walker. One of the Old Powers humanity never managed to purge from this world, even by the graces of the Source that fuels our Order. He is extremely dangerous, shunned even by his own kind and never to be approached; in the Old Quarter, our powers are as nothing. It is why we maintain the barriers …”
The boy gasped, holding his side in pain. He was dizzy, wavering as the voice of his one time tutor Theodor drifted into his head, breaking his concentration. His breathing rasped shallow and quick, as he peered furtively around the corner, scanning for guards. But no grey robed figure loomed in the deceptively clear street; small pools of light cast by lantern posts shone on the cobblestones and empty sidewalks. The apparently normal street seemed to be a dead end; the road ended abruptly just beyond the light. To one schooled in the Sight such illusion was ripped away and the roaring, crackling power of the barriers was revealed. Thousands of runes and sigils bound together in an Art long since lost were tied in a binding that hurt the eyes to perceive. Robin paused. He was unsure but instinctively mistrustful. He was so close but he couldn’t abandon the caution that had seen him so far. While he wrung his hands in worry, fate conspired to make the choice for him. A chorus of clicking, overshadowed by sibilant whispers of malice, announced the arrival of his pursuit.
Cursing, he slowly stepped out of cover, emerging into the light tensed and ready for flight. After days of subterfuge and secrecy, he felt naked and exposed in the open. His dimpled smile and tousle haired boyishness were gone, lost in the back alleys of the City he had threaded to get here. His sunken blue green eyes had the haunted look of the fugitive as he checked again for visible signs of pursuit. The very absence of it was suspicious; his leaked blood should’ve instantly been tagged by the guard, even one with a low level scrying ability. And by the echoing sounds drifting down, he could determine that as yet his location was still secure.
Still unsure, Robin reached beneath his black tunic, lifting clear his necklace with its sealed bundle. Black cloth, covered in gleaming sigils and cloaking runes, was undone and lifted away. His personal quartz crystal swung free, its signature cry immediately dampened by fierce concentration. He blanketed his thoughts and roiling emotions; the fear, anger and horror of what he had uncovered, the terror inspired by his flight. He left nothing but a pool of stillness, just as he’d been taught; he inscribed the rune of mastery and obedience, trying to access the crystal’s latent power.
Nothing.
The dissonance and sheer crackling power of the barrier must be overriding the power of any active crystals, he calculated swiftly. Robin fought the insane urge to whoop and dance in relief: his pursuers were blind! Not wasting any more time, he swiftly wrapped his quartz in the spelled cloth and bolted down the street, toward the barriers and freedom. As he did, the street burst into activity; tall, stooping figures in grey ran out of hiding to form up in front of the Wall and behind, the scurried, clicking sound of motion betrayed the presence of still more guards. He was trapped. He should have known his destination would have been divined and secured before hand! He looked back, desperate, but saw nothing but the approaching forms of grey, menacing in their co-ordinated approach. Panic gripped him. Days of being hunted had left him on edge, honing his instincts and skills to a fearful clarity, which was why he caught the small movement from the side alley he had emerged from.
Robin watched as the small shard bomb soared through the air. Time seemed to slow as it landed directly between him and the oncoming guards. Then an explosion of light ripped through the night; throwing all figures backward like toys in a gale. Robin landed sharply on the cobblestone, causing the wound on his side to flare sharply in protest. He got up gingerly, wincing in preparation of the cold, sharp hands that were about to descend on him. But none came. He looked up in surprise, to see all the guards felled. Nor was their any sign of his mysterious benefactor. Blessing his luck, he pelted for the barriers, voice ringing out, he bellowed three names:
“Shadow Walker!
Night’s Bane!
Alt Al Alielieu!”
A line of white fire ripped through the Wall, causing a breach. Robin shouted, overjoyed but whatever he said was lost in roar of raised power and flame. His consciousness and being, was scoured and picked through as the Powers he had summoned examined his worthiness. Whether he passed or not was moot; he was a dead man either way. His last trailing thought was snuffed out and darkness fell.
End of chapter
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140,890 Literary Works • 673,702 Reviews
Really? Never heard the RPG thing before, but I'll take that into consideration and indeed all of the above suggestions. Thanks a million. Hahaha, always wanted to say that.
Hello
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‘To one schooled in the Sight such illusion was ripped away and the roaring, crackling power of the barriers was revealed.’
- I think it could do with a comma after ‘Sight’.
- The word ‘such’ doesn’t work well. If you were saying, ‘such illusions were’, it would, however, be justified. The word ‘the’ would work better
- The word ‘was’ after ‘barriers’ is not needed.
- (‘To one schooled in the Sight, the illusion was ripped away and the roaring, crackling power of the barriers revealed’).
‘He was so close but he couldn’t abandon the caution that had seen him so far.’
- I suspect you are missing a word from here.
‘announced the arrival of his pursuit.’
- Do you mean his ‘pursuers’?
‘even one with a low level scrying ability’
- The term ‘low level’ makes it sound like a RPG, breaking the sense of realism.
‘secured before hand!’
- ‘before hand’ = ‘beforehand’.
For the most part, this all reads really well, and I feel the above things detract from the over-all awesomness of the story.
Keep on writing
A weakness I have as a writer is trying to get way too much out in the first swing. You do not have that weakness; you keep enough story elements in the background so that the reader doesn't feel overwhelmed, yet at the same time you are able to suggest at plot elements that give one the feeling that everything is hanging together for a well-thought out reason. One phrase felt a little artificial: "he calculated quickly." Calculated seems a little cold and inorganic for prose, especially fantasy. An alternative, perhaps? Also, it seems a comma might be nice when your protagonist "shouts, overjoyed but . . ." The word overjoyed and the word but could be separated by another comma; I think it would sharpen the meaning of the statement and heighten the aesthetic pleasure of reading the sentence. Otherwise, nigh flawless, insofar as prose can be. I liked it a lot.
Not much changes since I last visited, but I did find something.
I don't imagine Robin would be struggling to sit up after he had been battered like that, and considering the situation...
I don't know. However you like it.
I loved the mystery and suspence that you create in the story. Also, I think that you did a good job when you jumped out with sudden information that helped the story. The only thing was the typical ending. Couldn't you find a different ending? Other than that, good job
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Hahaha, thats all well and good. There were 5, last time I checked but suggestion noted. Chapter 1 coming soon; I plan for it to start before the prologue, in the sense that it will explain the lead up. Is that a good or bad idea, ppl?
I enjoyed reading it. The beggining springs at me; so I liked it.
A lot of Capital-ized Words makes It seem something Special is going on With those words. You Use a lot of those throughout The story, so the Reader is overwhelmed with new concepts. Even though I read a lot of fantasy, I barely caught on with the new concepts that you introduced.
Woo!! Awesome crit jack thanks, as I explained, the 'juts' thing is a typo, meant to be 'just'. Hehe, I'll fix that up, very very helpful crit so thank you very much. As it is, I'm not tryin to focus on the editing but yeah, uber excited now.
I thought this was really well-written: the pace, the action, the mystery. The thing I love about prologues like this is that I have no idea what is going on, and that's good in this case. It's just supposed to thrust me into the story, and you can reveal the world at a later date in the story. What this did was throw the reader straight in, and I thought you did it really well.
I'm a sucker for cool quotes too, and I loved that one at the start.
Now, for critical analysis (italics usually indicate a change):
I'm not sure delirious is quite the right word, since it is usually used and understood as being ecstatic or overjoyed. Considering he is in pain, I don't think you should use it. I think saying "He was dizzy" stands well enough on its own without "almost delirious" next to it.
I think there's a little confusion in the last clause of this sentence: either it should be (in my understanding) "the road ended abruptly, jutting beyond the light" or "the road ending abruptly jutted beyond the light". If that makes sense.
I think you should split this sentence: "Robin paused. He was unsure because of his mistrustful nature." Or something akin to that. I think the first part has a better effect on its own rather than being pulled down by the second clause.
Comma splice: "He was so close but he couldn't abandon the caution that seen him so far." I don't think the comma is needed because it can be read in one breath and flows well without it.
I'd just like to say I loved this sentence. The turn of phrase in "fate conspired" is brilliant.
Bit nitpicky, but you need a comma after malice for the clause to be seperated properly.
Hyphenate! = blue-green.
The last comma isn't needed. I'm scratching for things to say now, aren't I?
Just a suggestion for this paragraph. Since it's something the reader is not at all familiar with, I stumbled over quite a lot of your words trying to work out what was going on. Sometimes simple verbs say things better than "blanketed" et al. If you could make some of the longer words shorter it might be easier to read. I think that was one real problem I had with it.
A slight change here might make it read better, something like: Robing fought the insane urge to whoop and dance in relief: his pursuers were blind! I think using italics would be good here.
Same paragraph. You repeat swiftly in quick succession. Should change one of them for variety.
The second part doesn't quite make sense. This needs a little reheaval. In fact I would suggest keeping it simple and leaving it at just "Panic gripped him." It sounds better and more succinct: the verb "gripped" is enough to get across what you were trying to say, w/o the adjectives.
"His consciousness and being were scoured and picked through as the Powers he had summoned examined his worthiness."
About the ending: people going into darkness *is* used an awful lot, however, it seems to work every time for me. There's no real other way you can end the prologue -- it's left us with something to wonder about, a cliffhanger, and that's good for the start of a story.
In all, I really did think it was good. Obviously there's a lot of strange sentences formats and such, but you'll iron those out eventually with editing, and you did say you did it NaNo-style, so I can excuse you. I'm very impressed! Last time I read some of your writing it was nowhere near as good as this, obviously smaur and Snoink had helped you a lot! (I seem to remember them critting one of your stories quite harshly XD)
But yeah, great for mystery and cliffhangerness. Hope to see the next part soon!
Why thank you. This particular scene may be reshuffled later, in the sense that it may no longer be the prologue, lol. I dont know yet. But yes, Chapter 1 is soon to follow, hopefully more to my liking.
Well done, your work flows very well.
The ending was maybe a bit predictable in that he passed out. It just seems a bit cliche. Nonetheless, it was well executed.
I look forward to future chapters!