It wasn't like any other day, and yet it seemed normal. Mom and Dad got up; early as usual. Dad made tea, his favorite drink. Mom made scrambled eggs and pancakes. I woke not long after. I had breakfast, and brushed my teeth. Mom made my lunch. The bus was on its way to pick me up. I'm already running late. I grab my lunch and run out the door. The bus always smelled gross; I hate taking it to school. When I arrived at school, I met up with my two best friends, Marcus and Mary. Every morning, we buy a candy bar and split it three ways. The sun was shining, the air was warm, so we all layed under a tree at recess and shared our candy. Life was good. Until big bad bully, Alfanzo, comes and snatches my share of the bar. How dare he come into my fiesta and steal my food! I run after him like an enraged cheetah hunting my prey. I tackle him to the ground, shove my hand down his throat and voila! My chocolate bar! Not even chewed. Sick, sick boy. I sat back down with my friends to eat my share and it slipped down my throat because it was wet and slimey. It turns out the chocolate wouldn't fit my throat. The next moment, I was choking and Marcus was stuffing his hand down my thoat trying to retrieve the slimey ball of chocolate. But his hand got stuck too. Now the chocolate bar is starting to slip down into my stomach, taking Marcus's arm with it. His arm tastes like toothpaste and rubbing alcohol...It's burning my throat. I get the feeling that someone is pouring it down my throat, but it is going straight to my lungs. My insides are drowning with spit, or rubbing alcohol, or what ever it is. I don't know how we all survived. I don't know where the chocolate bar ended up. (I don't even want to find out.) I don't know why no body else noticed the bizzare incident.
We are forlorn like children, and experienced like old men, we are crude and sorrowful and superficial - I believe we are lost. And don't tell me how our hands fit down out throats!
The End!
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Ok. This work seems a little bit rushed for some reason.
Especially when you finish reading and it just says: The End! XD
Ummm... you have this HUGE chunk of text and then just a little bit at the end which doesn't ready very well. You need to break the text up and make it a more digestible read.
As for the story itself I really liked it. The title drew me in and I want a chocolate bar now.
Lulz.
No seriously... good job. Just break that huge chunk of text up and you're there.
Well done.
Yeah. I don't normally write like this, and it would have been more broken up if it had been completely my work but having been passed around between 6 people who, despite being in high school, don't know how to break up two paragraphs, it ended up being one huge block. I guess I could have broken it up but I didn't want to mess up the work in any way. For some reason, special things like this are more special when they haven't been altered in any way. Thanks for your review!
PeanutPhoebe, would you like a review? Wow, you guys did great. And you're right, it makes no sense at all;) But I do agree with Silverlock, this flows amazingly for six people. It was so funny. I think the formatting could use a little work, it just seems like one big block. I really don't know what else to say. There's not really anything to critique!! Tell the people you worked with that they did a great job!! (And so did you;) Keep writing!!
Lady Celestia, the Glorious Knight
Thanks! I will do that.
Hey Jibber!! Silver here!!
I really liked this a lot!! For a piece done by six people it flows amazingly well. There's no grammar or spelling problems. I felt that your structure added to the story for some reason, maybe that's just me. You're right though that this is a story to be enjoyed. I love the randomness of it and the disgust of having a hand shoved down a throat. I just really liked this without really knowing why. Great job. Happy writing!!
Silverlock
Wow.
I didn't think the story would take that twist at all!
It's an intriguing story here and makes the reader want to know exactly where it's going.
I'd suggest breaking it up a bit more, so it's not a chunk of writing to read. But that could have been deliberate to sort of... capture the narrator's voice? If so, you did a great job of doing that.
Your writing style is good, as in no grammar issues, or spelling mistakes that I saw, you story engrosses the reader for sure, so that's a good thing.
I like your writing style and story here, keep it up!
-CFG
Yeah. Normally that's what I would do. Break it up. But since there were six people writing it and no one knew what any one else was writing (we wrote a bit passed it to the next person, they wrote a bit... etc). It is just meant for laughs. Not to make sense. Not to explain much. Not even meant to be very descriptive. But thanks for your review!
Ahh, I see!