Matt sat on a hard bench, his blood covered hands clasped in front of him. His eyes were closed, his head lifted skyward. He had blood stains on his shirt and pants. His lips moved silently, as though praying...perhaps he was. He had just arrived at the hospital, unable to ride along in the ambulance, and he had never thought he could feel such pain.
Dear God, he prayed. Please, please, please keep her safe.
He didn't know how he would survive.
It had been like any other night. They often went on dates every Friday, when they could. The night had been perfect. The stars above them had shone more brightly than any other night. The ocean had gently carressed them as they stood in the frigid water. She had always loved the ocean. She had told Matt on their third date. And that was when he had fallen so deeply in love with her.
Their arms were wrapped around each other, her head resting on his shoulder. The wind picked up the salty water, spraying it playfully into their already wet faces. The night was terribly romantic. Even the forces of nature seemed to want to make this night the best they had ever had. And most certainly it was.
After a long time of simply standing in the cold water, Matt turned to her. He kissed her on the forehead and, as though they could talk telepathically, nodded and turned back to the beach, regretfully. Every night had an end, but there was always the promise of another date...
...but not this time.
Vividly, Matt could remember the events that led up to the accident. They had been holding hands in their blue mini-van just after leaving the beach. He had looked over at her for no more than a second, simply to smile at her. He remembered squeezing her hand and telling her he loved her to the world's end.
And then, when he looked back to the road, he couldn't believe the light. He didn't remember much after that besides his wife screaming, the sound like an explosion, the bright light, and the pain.
He didn't know how long he had been out, but when he woke up, speaking his wife's name and looking over to her, oh he wished he hadn't, he screamed. Her perfect face was drenched in blood, her head rested on her shoulder, her lips were slightly parted. And the glass. Glass everywhere, sparkling in the bright lights of the vehicle that now sat half atop them.
Oh, her beautiful blue eyes, constantly sparkling, never judging. Would he ever see them again?
"Daddy?" came a small voice from across the room. He looked over to see their only child, Renne. Her perfect blond curls, barely shoulder length, her blue eyes, looking too much like her mother. He couldn't bare it. He looked away and buried his face in his hands.
"Daddy?" came the persistent call. He ignored it. How could he answer it? Every time the girl spoke, he heard his beautiful wife calling him from afar. A call he could never answer. A call he would never hear again except for in this beautiful child, so innocent and pure, too much like Crys.
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140,172 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
That was incredible! Although this is terrible to admit, I love that it didn't have the happy ending most stories do! The love between the two was obvious, incredible, and ever lasting! When you described his despair, it reminds me of how strong love truly is! I cant decide if his wife died in the end or not though.. But keep writing! And I cant wait to see if you add more to this story! Im curious to see what you make of the situation!
I really like this story. It was gripping and very emotional. And for it being so short, I do feel as if the plot was reached successfully. Keep on writing ^^
Thanks!
Hey! It's review day!
I liked this. Nice, clear motive, and well rounded, since you answered all the questions that you brought up.
My favorite part was this:
Probably because I like the way you handled the description of her mutilation, since it adds more diversity than simply laboring over the images of blood and gore that can make it sound dull. It also makes the image beautiful, in a sad way. You can really see how he so deeply remembers the scene. I refer to this bit again later on. Keep reading
However, something plot-related you might have overlooked is the main part of a 'flashback'. The way you structured your story was a long introductory flashback, followed by a second flashback, detailing the incident. This is rather major, because it relates heavily to the overall structure of what you are trying to say, and can hence make reading this rather laborious.
In that same point, the part in italics is too long winded to actually make a point in the story. For this story to be emotional and soul-grabbing like you might have intended it to be, you need to add more gravity. A way you could do this, is to weave the flashback with the description of the car accident (in alternate paragraphs). It's a common technique, but it will certainly make this stand out a lot more if you do it up well.
Sorry, I tried looking for examples but I couldn't seem to find one. I'll see if I come across one and tell you then. XD
Lastly, and this is about your style. Have you notice that the part I mentioned I liked before was me liking it because of the gravity that you put into the scene? I don't know if there's an official word for it, but I personally call it pace. A story will have varying paces throughout it's length, and it is important to slow down in some areas, but speed through others. What happens here is that you seem to rush through a lot of the main plot. Remember what's important in the story, and keep it relevant
Furthermore, I think you tend to use a lot of gender-specific pronouns when writing, making your piece sound very narrative. You could try to vary your sentence structure, or even Change it entirely to a different style of description.
Here:
You see that? Over-repetition can sometimes distract readers from what they should be looking at, which is basically your description. Fundamentally, you should try to elaborate further on the 5 senses when you describe, and not simply state what the protagonist is feeling. Try to go that one step further.
The ending would also probably work a lot better with something more dramatic, like the paralyzing one-line finisher, something that you don't explicitly state to be the case, but instead show the reader that it hurts so much because of the child's similarity to your (I use 'your' to refer to the protagonist) child.
On the whole, I still pretty much liked it
Well, that's my penny's worth. If you need any more help, don't hesitate to PM me!
Keep Writing!
-Binder
And you just came up with this while you were bored? I loved this, and I like how the car crash was ddescribed. I perosnally like to feel like I am in the moment when reading something, to be able to visualize myself in the charachters perspective.I am a very visual person, so being able to pocture myself there is always great. I especially liked when you said
"And then, when he looked back to the road, he couldn't believe the light. He didn't remember much after that besides his wife screaming, the sound like an explosion, the bright light, and the pain. "
I could just see it. The only constructive criticism I have is to take off the word date when you say the promise of another date. Instead, just leave it at another. Other than this, I thouroughly enjoyed it. Nicely done
Hello!
Amazing work on this short story. I have to say, I loved it. The desperate, sad, and depressed state in which the man finds himself is portrayed beautifully. Well done, Jibber! 
BiancaLU
Hey, there!
Great job on this. I loved the first paragraph; the building details intrigued me to continue.
I didn't see any blatant issues, so I'm just telling you some stylistic things you might consider.
A quick note:
"Every night had an end, but there was always the promise of another date..."
I liked this line, but I would remove the "date" at the end. I think it's implied, and the sentence would flow better if it wasn't there.
A general thought: I would like some more variation in detail and abstract. I think this would complete the layers of this story. What I mean is that, sometimes, try playing around with not adding all of the details. I was thinking this especially in the line about what Matt remembers about the car crash... people have a good idea of what happens in a car crash, so you are free to write it in a less specific way. Again, this is just my personal preference, so it's just something you might think about trying:)
Hope this helped, and wonderful job on this piece!
Fiona
Hey, Jibber! It's Storm here (on this rather stormy evening) reviewing for ya!
Can't wait to read more, so as always: Write on!
First off, I personally believe that you set the tone well right off the bat. The reader knew that something tragic had occurred, and you do a decent job of unraveling what happened in the accident. However, you can do better; I know you can! Reveal more to the reader about Crys and Matt during/after the accident with bolder descriptions, and elaborate on Matt's feelings. Since this short story does not rely on action, or mystery, or suspense, or anything of the sorts, you need to bring out the emotion more. Losing a loved one is an awful theme a majority of people can relate to. Use that to your advantage! Make the reader feel Matt's pain to sympathize with him. You have a great idea for a conclusion because it pulls at the reader's heartstrings more than anywhere else, so continue building off of that.
Also, I did not find any bright red technical errors that are honking at my face, so great job in that regard. I have one itsy bitsy nitpick, but that's all: "...and looking over to her, oh he wished he hadn't, he screamed." Because this is a powerful break in the sentence, I would advise you to use stronger punctuation, like a dash: "...and looking over to her -- oh, he wished he hadn't -- he screamed." Other than that tiny opinion, solid work.
So. Jibber, you definitely have a great foundation with "Why". Try building upwards with that foundation, delving further into Matt's thoughts and grief. I hope this helped, dearie!
---Stormsie
Okay. Thanks! I'll definitely take that into consideration.