: In before the English have already won, cuz it's written in English, I can translate it in French but even I would not know whats going on:
In a soft whisper, "she tells me goodbye my love". The time for a knight to honor his title has come. The English have gone too far, Paris must not fall. I travel from the citadel of Toulouse, one-thousand honest French-men under my command.
To purge the land from this English plague is my order, to return to my heart in Toulouse is my objective. How many must die for their flags.... I will protect my men, with them lays my safe return to my love, my Constance.
Diligently we prepare, across our beautiful land we travel. The magnificent mountains, near the Milanese border, always at our back. The great forests, near the blaspheming English settlement of Caen, will soon be into view. It's funny how the English claim no fault in war. The most disadvantageous peace, is better than the most just war. The parade the citadel has held, is a blast for the new militia. I know the horrors of war that will follow; Arrows replace the sun's rays, the smell of food replaced by death, horses run amuck with no masters trampling friend and foe. "Aaaaaah the glories of war".
I spend my last moments with my beloved, sadly soon I must depart. I embrace her gently I want to take her with me, it will not happen beauty has no place in war.
" Swirling yellow golden rays, above a stream-side that shines and plays.
Vast expanses of blue wonder, sparkling and twinkling as fishes dance.
As white as snow, when you smile they truly glow.
Small, yet elegant features you drive me wild.
Your hair surrounds my every thought
Your eyes trap me in disbelief
Your face an endless beautiful rhyme ".
I kiss her lips, and wipe the tears from her eyes. "My love not honor nor duty, could tear me away from you, but protecting us all from the English plague can. Who am I to deny us all a safe pious life. The English want to slay all our settlements , just to carve room for their own. My orders are to swell the ranks of the Paris garrison, I will be the front line. Closest to the danger, and furthest from your heart. If I shall fail, believe me when I say, the English will kill everyone like the murderous dogs they are. Shall I not return, flee to Scotland. There are many enemies of the English there........You are my heart".
With those last words, I depart from her arms; every part of me is denying what my legs are doing as I walk away. I leave my home, hopefully someday I will return. I mount my steed, a slow cantor through the streets, yelling at the men. "The time is nye, rally at the barracks outside of town by midday"! I know I must be the first prepared, this way we can travel as I see fit.
Arriving up on the outskirts, I see even the low peasantry helping with our move. This is something I love about the French people, no matter what we are one in times of need. My lord! the amount of supplies it takes for one-thousand men to travel! It seems our travel team is two hundred fifty men strong. Hopefully we will not have to levy them......hopefully.
Beer, bread, cereals, cheese, vegetables, and various meats; too bad the latter would spoil in a few days march. If only the meat will stay ripe, until we reach Bordeaux castle. Here we will meet up with one-thousand more honest French-men. After Bordeaux, the march to Angers very close to Caen; England's only stronghold on French soil. Here my orders may change, we may strike from Angers or swell my sweet Paris.
Two-thousand men under my command, I know that confusion breeds cowards. I must remain confident and stone faced. Hearing only rumors of the siege equipment that Angers holds, if only the tales ring true then Caen may fall swiftly. When the time comes I will be forced into a ruthless, merciless killer. Killing for my flag, my honor, and most of all my Constance.
My armies have assembled, travel preparations complete. I feel the wind telling me to press onward. " Men, most honorable Frenchmen! I SirJoshoftheLight, Knight of mighty Toulouse order of the Wolf, servant of King Louis the Crusader. My only master is GOD! Today is a glorious day, today is the day we begin out defense of our beautiful rich country. The English have started something they cannot finish, they have invaded us for the last time. Rennes was a thriving port city, they slew them like pigs....women...child...everyone who could not flee....They wanted a secure line to supply Caen, Nay! does that justify the mass slaughter! WE BEGIN OUR JOURNEY TO KICK THEIR ARSES BACK TO LONDON AND MORE! NO MORE ENGLISH ON FRENCH SOIL AGAIN! WE FIGHT FOR OUR CHILDREN, WE FIGHT FOR US, AND MOST OF ALL WE FIGHT FOR FRANCE"! (And returning to my heart) "HONORABLE FRENCHMEN, ONWARD TO VICTORY!"
End of chapter
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hi There! I'm here as part of the Green Lanterns Team to review your chapter for this fine review day! I saw that you asked for it to be reviewed in the Black Plague's forum.
I will review as I read so I can get all my ideas out as I go! Hopefully it will make perfect sense to you...
Here we go!
“To purge the land from this English plague is my order, to return to my heart in Toulouse is my objective. How many must die for their flags.... I will protect my men, with them lays my safe return to my love, my Constance.” - I love this part. It's different and sweet! It also conveys the time zone of this piece of work really well.
“The parade the citadel has held, is a blast for the new militia. I know the horrors of war that will follow; Arrows replace the sun's rays, the smell of food replaced by death, horses run amuck with no masters trampling friend and foe. "Aaaaaah the glories of war".” - Your description is exquisite!
Is the part where he says goodbye to Constance a flash back? I thought he was at the war! I'm confuzzled but maybe I'm just being stupid.
Good luck! I look forward to reading more! I loved this.
Olive <3
Your chapter did do its job and made me promise to come back for the next chapter, but it also left me with a bitter taste in my mouth as my desire to know more of the campaign, more of Constance, of the French army was not fulfilled. You have parts when you start describing a bit, opening a door for more details to enthrall your readers with ...aaaaand then you just cut it short.
The part where your character says goodbye to his love make for a great opportunity to describe her, her beauty, her delicate appearance and make a comparison with the "face" of war. Her image can become, along with the duty towards France, something to lean on when his will starts to shake.
War gives an unique pallet of images which you can exploit. From his eyes you can give us the description of his army, of the camp. Also as a commander, he knows the state of his men. Give us an insight on what he thinks, on a larger scale, of the French soldiers, of his brethren.
Also try building up his character, his history a bit. We only know his name and titles.
Loved the ending, but needs a bit of polishing. A speech should, from my point of view, have a crescendo feel to it. Start low and slowly built up power. Yours gets to a high point then abruptly comes down and so on.
All in all, I'm up for more.
--Dante--
There are definitely things I can do to improve on. It was actually my first take on writing a story, i'm gonna take a little time gather my thoughts and really try to describe things in ch.2
Looking forward to it!
Hearken to me, scribe!
Within these pages, I will elucidate and expound some secrets of this craft. If you do not listen closely, they will not take root within your quill.
The art of writing a story that flows like ripples across a lake, is, almost paradoxically, identical to the still-life with a clear reflection. When the water is muddy, stirring it makes your river a murky swamp. Allowing the mud to settle on the other hand, can leave the water remarkably clear.
And so, scribe, as you write, you should not being muddying up your water. You should be letting the water flow, but without the disturbances that obscure your reader's vision...
Who is the hero we hear about? Is he simply another soul leaving his belove to fight for his land? I cannot yet picture him as anything more than an exaggerated cliche preying off your imagination. He cannot be a caricature if I am to truly know him. Melodrama is but a distraction in the grander scheme of things.
There are more secrets to divulge, but the idea of subtlety with clarity is one that takes years to learn, so I will leave you to your devices for now.
Thus sayeth Yoda, Jedi Master.
You made your style very clear here, and you didn't compromise it (not that I'm saying you would, I'm just pointing that out.)
Although, I couldn't really understand why you punctuated the lines the way that you did:
I wasn't sure why you used quotation marks here, since there was no indication of anyone speaking. If it was a new way to draw the readers attention to what you were saying, lt me say that you definitely succeeded.
I know your style, so that's all I'm going to say about the punctuation.
The plot was very good, and I would love to read more of this in the future.
Just one question,
What was with all the italics?
BTW, loved the ending.
Peace,
HT
The italics represented his inner thoughts, I wasn't sure how to make that clear with out dumbing it down with 5000 he thought.....or pondered sirjosh. "she tells me goodbye my love" she said it outloud to him and she never spoke alot so i thought id give her the marks and yes I was drawing attention to the him say aaaahh the glories of war you're absolutely correct
Wonderful. I enjoy the style, the story, and at every step the longing. Being that I have a militaristic background myself, I feel the longing for both things. To uphold your honor, and to make happy your love.
I would say this makes a brilliant first story, it gives your style quite a bit more depth. There are many ways I like to see writings' writers grow and this is definitely one of them. The imagery used is wonderful and the story it tells is riveting.
One of my favorite parts was this: " I spend my last moments with my beloved, sadly soon I must depart. I embrace her gently I want to take her with me, it will not happen beauty has no place in war. Swirling yellow golden rays, above a stream-side that shines and plays.." This back and forth, the mixing of emotions convoluting the already scattered mind of the knight is a beautiful portrayal of the chaos that comes before you must mentally be prepared for battle, or for war.
"Diligently we prepare, across our beautiful land we travel. The magnificent mountains, near the Milanese border, always at our back. The great forests, near the blaspheming English settlement of Caen, will soon be into view" I think this stanza really speaks volumes of beauty that you find on the battlefield, or in war itself. There are many times when you step into a war-zone and before you see the mayhem, the destruction, and death brought upon by this war, that you see the beauty of what had(could have) been if not marred by war.
This story has great meaning to me, and I very much enjoy it. Hope to see more of this and other works soon!