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16+ Mature Content

This is How the Note Read

by Jcsmooth


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

Authors Note: Let me state, this is a scrawled note of a person dying, I will for your sake add a slight more punctuation:

Dear Love,

Without you in my life, the sun has refused to shine. Birds have forgot to sing and plants no longer grow. Everythings a dark grey,in these my dying days all I feel is pain. I am just your 2nd choice,you only seek me out when i'm convenient to you. As the words leave my brain to page, I feel consciousness slipping away. No longer do I want to live without you, no longer I want to live! I've said everything I can to you. It's just never going to be,you and me. I can no longer take the way your smile pierces deep into my soul, the way your eyes melt my every wall, or the way your hairs smell when you'd let me near. I am no longer able to take you clouding my mind every thought every day.

You're a liar. We had our time. I just can no longer live with never being you're 1st choice. Never will I mean to you, what you do to me. With this note do I not only confess, my love,I also say goodbye. I'll let my blood stain the page to draw you away from the tears. I told you i'd die for you girl. I meant it, in some way.I'd die for you. I die because of you! What i'm trying to say, as the pain finally slips away.

I love you girl it's true


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Thu Aug 22, 2013 1:29 pm
Alpha wrote a review...



Hi there, Jcsmooth! Here to review your piece.

I see that you're new here, and already you have two shiny starts. Well done :)

Righty, so I'll start my review now. Fairly good title you have there. 'This is how the note Read'. It could be shortened to 'How The Note Read', but not bad. What I said just now is probably the only nice thing I'll say in this review.

To be honest, I don't know where the story is going. The Author's Note is more than a little insulting. Let me tell you: you either add the punctuation in all the right places, or you don't. Simple as that. You don't just insert them in random places and leave out others and claim it's how a desperate/dying man would write. Because then, we lose interest. We don't want to read on. We don't take you seriously, because you don't take your own writing seriously.

I'd wish that this was the only fault I found here, but alas, it is not. This piece, as a whole, is one big fail in my eyes. We learn nothing in here, other than that this dying person is dying, and he claims he's dying because of a woman we know not a blessed thing about. And then he claims he loves her, in a childish way. To me, this sounds like a douchepants kind of person I never want to read about. Sure, things might be clearer in the next chapters, but then what is the purpose of this chapter?

So, fix this mess. Rewrite the whole thing, if it comes to that. Give us more emotion than this. Less description of how her hair smells. Read it out loud, that will help loads- there's something about hearing your own voice say all these poorly-constructed sentences that turns on the inner editor in you. You suddenly pick up on everything wrong in your writing. Also, give us a real ending to this prologue. As the readers, we deserve at least that.

Please spend more than just five minutes on this, if you are serious about continuing it. Many bestsellers start with a letter, and it's wonderfully written and filled with brilliant sentences that makes you want to read on. They hook you. So far, this is anything but hooking. But with revision and changes, who knows.


Keep on writing! Cheers,
Alpha




Jcsmooth says...


This is nothing more than a note. It's not a chapter, story, or even a poem. It's categorized in other for a reason. "Let me state, this is a scrawled note of a person dying." I'm glad everyone else can read, that they can put together that this is just a note.



Jcsmooth says...


The only thing more, I would even fathom to make of this; would be a short introductory page for a book I may not even write. I appreciate your encouraging words at the end, but the whole review is completely unnecessary even. If in fact, you do want my first attempt at writing a book here it is Another Knight's Tale Chapter 1. I'd love real raw criticism on this...with the proper revision and changes, who knows.....



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Tue Aug 13, 2013 11:04 pm
SolitaryCanary says...



Out of all of this, the part I enjoyed most was: "convenient to you." I would expect convenient for you, in that whenever you have the time you come seeking me out. Convenient to seems so much more detached and selfish. It's painful, but in my own way I enjoy it.




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Tue Aug 13, 2013 10:02 pm
kelseyforgotss wrote a review...



My Dear Love,
Without you in my life, the sun has refused to shine, birds have forgotten to sing, and plants no longer bloom. Everythings a dark gray; in these, my dying days, all I feel is pain. I am just your second choice: you only seek me out at your convenience. As the words leave my brain to page, I feel consciousness slipping away. No longer do I want to live without you, no longer I want to live! I've said everything I can to you. It's just never going to be, you and I. I can no longer take the way your smile pierces deep into my soul, the way your eyes melt my every wall, or the way your hairs smell when you'd let me near. I am no longer able to take you clouding my mind: every thought, every day.
You're a liar. We had our time. I just can no longer live with never being you're first choice. Never will I mean to you, what you do to me. With this note do I not only confess my love, I also say my goodbyes. I'll let my blood stain the page, to draw you away from the tears. I told you i'd die for you, girl. I meant it, in some way; I would die for you. Rather, I die because of you! What i'm trying to say, as the pain finally slips away...
I love you, girl, it's true.

-------------Kelsey-------------------
1. Above is just how I would have changed the letter, in both punctuation and wordplay.
2. I love and hate the content of the story. I was in an abusive relationship when I was younger, and I have received this letter. It brought back a lot of memories, which is exactly what writing should do. Kudos, on that.




Jcsmooth says...


I'll just send all my poems to you to make them all purdyfull!





Fine by me! :)



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Tue Aug 13, 2013 9:55 pm
Jcsmooth says...



Everyone don't forget to like my poems

I'd like more people to see them

Thank you all!

JC




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Tue Aug 13, 2013 9:33 pm
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KnightTeen wrote a review...



I'm guessing (and I have been wrong before) that a guy committed suicide over a girl.

Once upon a time I would've said "God, why do people have to be so dramatic", but, having been in a situation like this, I can now say that I understand.

You definitely captured the emotion of the situation, and you wrote it very appropriately. I'm not going to critique you're grammar or spelling because frankly, this is the note of a person who obviously is dying and didn't have time to give a damn whether or not they wrote "first" or "1st", or if he capitalized his I's. So I don't really give a damn either.

There were however several typos that I noticed, and most of them were simply because you forgot to place a space between words or words and punctuation. I'm not going to point those out, only mention them, because truthfully they are few in number and not that important in the first place.

You got this. You really did. You got what you were trying to say across to the reader. Some people might tell you to fix your punctuation. Don't. Don't fix what isn't broken.

Peace,
HT




Jcsmooth says...


This is the cover page for my book, I am currently writing. It just came to my brain the other day. Most of my poems are flash poems done in 5 mins or less.



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Tue Aug 13, 2013 9:32 pm
KnightTeen says...







Go and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here.
— Neil Gaiman