z

Young Writers Society


12+

I am A Star with an Eternal Light

by Jcsmooth


The glow of autumn's moon upon her hair, a sight I will nary forget. Who cares if blood ran in pools at our feet. We'd be ok I promise, I am still happy we met. Then her eyes, then her eyes they faded.....she was gone, the love of my life was gone. All my memories, and thoughts we had created. Of us returning home gone, taken from me in an instant. The things I had planned to do for her. Letting her relax,making her comfortable enough to recover, cooking, tending the animals. I would have done it all! The love we will never share, the passion gone. Swept away in one rapid motion of her eyelids shutting...never to open again. My motherless children, o God! my children without their mother. How am I too raise them alone? I have no comforting touch, no soothing voice to help sleep them, no kiss to heal, all I have are these damned hands. They are for work...they are rugged; hers soft, they are large, hers small they are warm....hers cold. In this world I am now alone.The reason the very sun rises has been taken from me. The reason I wake,my hope, my carry on, all is now gone. What is a man too do without a love so strong? Strong; weak now I am weak. A mind clouded by an endless sky. A warriors sword without an edge. A body with no limbs. A heart that cannot love. I am a star with an eternal light but alas, my shine has been taken from me.

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User avatar
25 Reviews

Points: 222
Reviews: 25

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Fri Jan 17, 2014 2:45 am
vetas wrote a review...



ok first of all I want you to know I am no professional here. I wont be mentioning anything to do with spelling or structure and all that kind of stuff. I just want to give you my opinion on the whole thing.

When I was reading this, I was trying to picture the whole thing and feel what he is feeling. To me one of the saddest things is having the closest person to you pass away. My mother died when I was 3 so I don't remember her at all. I am now 18 and I found a tape of the funeral. As I watched it I was crying and trying to imagine what my dad was feeling. I want to get married to my girlfriend that I have now and a couple times I have thought about what if she were to pass away early. I cry at those thoughts. Reading this piece is very touching and made me think about those things again. The part that I loved the most was about the hands. I tried to imagine how her hands felt. soft, small, once warm but now cold. I'm glad you wrote this piece. Thank You very much. Goodluck with your future writings.




Jcsmooth says...


Thanks man I appreciate you taking the time to tell me this



vetas says...


:)



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476 Reviews

Points: 561
Reviews: 476

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Thu Jan 16, 2014 7:00 am
Apricity wrote a review...



Well, Hullo there, Jcsmooth. Nice username by the way, Subtle here to review on this fine day!

Woow....by the time I finished reading it. I guess I was reeling a bit from the raw intimacy of it all. Your language wasn't exactly flouncy and it just seems like you've written down what came to your mind. Which is why I think makes this piece so raw and filled with passion and sadness at the same time. However, I think this piece can probably benefit from some paragraphing to make it more dynamic and easier to read.

The glow of autumn's moon upon her hair, a sight I will nary forget.
I absolutely adore the first sentence, that's beautiful description there. But I don't think you need that apostrophe in autumn's. Autumn moon will work just fine. Also for nary, if I'm not mistaken. It is the informal form of not, are you sure you want to use that here?

We'd be ok I promise,
This sounds a bit awkward, maybe rephrase it into, I promised we'd be ok?

I truly enjoyed the comparison between your hands and hers, it shows in a way how much she is needed and means to you.

no soothing voice to help sleep them
I believe you meant, 'help them sleep'.

What is a man too do without a love so strong?
You misspelt too there, only one 'o'.

There is also minor punctuation mistakes, but I won't point them out as I'm sure you will find them if you look close enough. But, but! I truly love your ending, just simply stunning!

I am a star with an eternal light but alas, my shine has been taken from me.
Oh, this is probably the most amazing metaphor for broken heart......simply splendid!

Great work! Best of luck in your future writing, my friend! Hoped I helped!

-S.s




Jcsmooth says...


This is an old piece, I wish I could remember why I wrote this what the meaning was. Yes my writing generally is raw and I make mistakes. I'm glad you could see through them, I plan to re visit this and maybe build upon it



Apricity says...


Great idea! xD




No man or woman who tries to pursue an ideal in his or her own way is without enemies.
— Daisy Bates