(Note: I wrote this a long time ago, so anything you say about it is probably true :)
Even as I fall,
I know you will catch me.
The gates of hell release,
And I descend to answer their call,
But your hand in mine
Sets me free.
-
Looking through a mirror,
Made of shattered glass,
Distorts my life,
The songs that I could not hear,
Break away my skin,
And the moments pass.
-
Cold is the night,
And dreary is the way,
And long is the road,
And through it all, I fight,
To win my place,
At the end of day.
-
And so I raise,
This glorious melody,
Towards heaven above,
To shine through the misty haze,
And your hand in mine,
Sets me free.
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140,482 Literary Works • 673,249 Reviews
This was a wonderful poem. I love how it wa religious. I really like it. But I caught a few mistakes.
one: You need for lines to a stanza. If you know what a stanza is which u probley do.!
That is the only mistakes if round so of this it was a awesome poem. I love the sound of it. I like how it is so religious. It sounds like like I cant explain it but I totally get it. You know what I mean.
If you like to read you should totally try my books lost magic. Not saying you have to but its just a sugjestion.
WEll I will talk to you later. Bye
Hey there, JayeCShore!
So obviously, this is a religious poem. I didn't really understand that it was until the last stanza, but yep. This is a religious poem.
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
First, I'm going to get the formatting out of my system. It's very rare these days to find a poem that works well center aligned. I'm pretty sure it would work better left aligned. Also, poems should be single spaced. On YWS, you have to hold shift when you press enter in order for the lines to remain single spaced.
I found this poem a bit confusing. First, the narrator is descending into Hell, but with the protection of God. Okay. A bit Dante-esque, but okay.
Suddenly! The narrator is looking into a mirror? His skin is breaking away? Um, okay. Could be in Hell still, right? Let's accept that belief and move on to the next stanza.
Now the narrator is on a road. I don't think this is Hell anymore... How did the narrator get out of Hell? If this is a narrative poem, as you put it into, this poem should tell a story, but it doesn't really. It skips around and gives different places the narrator is in. I suggest you put an actual story line in in order to avoid confusion.
You have a really interesting rhyme scheme going on. I didn't even notice it the first time I read the poem! And that's the best type of rhyme scheme. Good job on that.
Since I didn't get that it was a religious poem earlier, I think you should give clues to the reader earlier in the poem. I kind of thought it was one, but I noticed that you didn't capitalize any of the things normally capitalized in this type of poem, including capitalizing "You" when the narrator is speaking with God, and also "Hell." So, while capitalization is not something I usually talk about, I think it would add something to this poem, and really, it's your choice whether to capitalize or not.
If the narrator isn't talking about the Christian religion, please ignore the following paragraph.
In Christian doctrine, it's generally accepted that God will accept anyone, as long as they believe that he died on the cross for them, and will repent of all their sins. In the poem, you mention winning a place, which doesn't really fit with this doctrine. If the poem is about the Christian religion, I suggest you change that line to reflect what is more in keeping with Christianity. If I'm totally off base, I apologize, but that means that you might need to differentiate the religion a little more. ^_^
Some lines have commas after them that actually disrupt the meter, rather than augment it.
So cool it with the commas a bit, my friend.
To whom does the call belong? If you use a pronoun, make sure you have something to connect it to. Who is "they"?
I didn't understand the significance of the songs that were breaking away the narrator's skin. Make sure you clarify that a bit in the poem.
In the last stanza, I suggest you say "a glorious melody" instead of what you have now. "This" implies that you've mentioned the melody in the poem already, but I don't think you have.
Anyway, nice rhyme scheme. Keep up the writing! I hope this review proves useful to you. Have a great day!
I found myself laughing while reading your review. Most of what you said is true and sound advice. Had I written this today I would probably put it all in, but I just found this lurking in a forgotten folder. That's why I was laughing. I probably thought this was 'sooper deeep' when I first wrote it. And thanks for the review
Yep, I saw that you found it lurking in the note, but in case you wanted to revise it and turn it into a better poem, I gave it my all
I surely will consider that. Thanks again.
Beautiful. Your wording is straight and nicely chosen. You have some great lines in there. It was sweet and sad and hit me emotionally. You have lovely flow to your lines and wording. It's a dark and tomantic and saddening poem. It's amazing. I hope to read more of your work soon!!!!