I’ve got ice in my veins
I’ve been bitten,
By a psychedelic frost.
A crystal fire
Searing the twisted paths
Of my mind.
I’ve gotten lost,
I’ve been treading
Down harbinger roads.
A fallen devil
Broken and betrayed by
My own heart.
I’ve got a testimonial
I’ve been drowning
In this retrograding world.
A stolen tragedy
Forgetting the strains
Of my soul.
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140,481 Literary Works • 673,248 Reviews
Hi, JayeCShore. This is Pinkie here for a review.
This is a excellent poem. It has good descriptions on here. It gave me a image of this poem. I also love the ideas on this poem. It got this poem very interesting! I enjoyed this poem very much. I love this poem a lot! However, there is one screw-up on this poem. It is the same like Aurora99 said. Anyway, I love to read more from you. So have a nice day and Happy Fourth of July!
Awesome Job and keep on writing!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
This is fantastic. I love the idea, the formatting, the imagery, everything. I like how there's a classic poem-esque rhythm even though its written in prose. It feels like it rhymes anyway. That's good, because a lot of free-form poems can't capture that, and it's much more enjoyable to read. The only nitpick I have is 'fallen devil', because devils aren't fallen in themselves, but they are fallen angels. But I may have been taking that in a completely different route than was intended. Keep up the great writing!
Hello, love! Aurora here with a quick review for you!
May I say that I absolutely love the formatting you have here? Wonderful! Mind, heart, and soul, eh? I'd just suggest changing the order of there to heart, mind, and then soul. It just seems more fitting, somehow.
I’ve been bitten,
By a psychedelic frost.
I know you use bitten to convey frostbite, but for some reason, it doesn't work here. Maybe frozen? Taken?
Keep writing, love.
Aurora