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False Alarm

by Jashael


I need more thoughts on the second stanza because I feel like I didn't justify the images I evoked in the first. I will highlight the lines I'm particularly a little unsure of.

*EDIT* Please, listen to the draft demo while reviewing as it will be CRITICAL to your review. You may listen to the song  here.

I.

Are we both too empty
To tell if we're just lonely
Or if this is what we both have been waiting for?

Are we both too broken
To repeat what has been spoken
To regret what we thought were only words?

We've seen too many sunsets
Bridges burnt down to ashes
But have we kept the faith despite?

CHORUS:

Could you, could you
Could you be the one
Or just another false alarm?
I'm tired of all these games
Still I'm willing to wait all the same

Would you, would you
Would you mind the scars
That they left on my heart?
Oh, would you walk away?
Or are you the last to stay?

II.

Do we finally understand
Fear needs to stay in the past?
We've made the same mistakes
Who couldn't tell?

If we both have moved on
And learnt our lessons
The real question is:
Have we learnt them well?

Can we still believe in promises (my alternative word is "miracles")
That the bells can be honest
That we can be brave again?

CHORUS

BRIDGE:

Will you let me see past down your guard?
Will I let you touch my soul's littlest parts?
Can we push back all these monsters
Whispering at the back of our minds
That it ain't worth it?
Oh, but baby, tell me it's worth it

'Coz it's time
'Coz it's right

Would you, would you
Would you mind the scars
That he left on my heart?
Oh, would you walk away?
Or are you the last to stay?

Could you, could you
Could you be the

Could you, could you
Could you be

Could you, could you
Could you be the one?

Or just another sad false alarm?


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Sat Dec 16, 2017 11:22 pm
Jenthura wrote a review...



Ok, now that I've listened to it, I'm prepared to leave a review. I'm going to be reviewing the words mostly, but with the thought of how it sounds also, mostly because I don't know how to critique music, but I'm alright with the written word.

We've seen too many sunsets
Bridges burnt down to ashes
But have we kept the faith despite?


I feel like 'despite' needs another word after it, if not grammatically, then at least to make the sentence make sense. Like "Despite it all," or something along those lines. Listening to that part in the song, I'm confident you could add those two syllables without changing the flow.


I see that Stormcloud already said that. lol

Would you, would you
Would you mind the scars
That they left on my heart?
Oh, would you walk away?
Or are you the last to stay?


First of all, a nitpick, you write 'would you' three times but only sing it twice.

Also, I like that you're varying between he/they in this song. I think the greatest impact would be to say 'they' until the last mention, then switch to 'he', as you've written in. Although, you could get just as powerful of an impact be being consistent to either one of them, but it would change the meaning of the song ever so slightly. In one way the song could be about many people, but another way it's about one person. If you have it as 'they' then switch to 'he' then that could mean something else entirely. It could even feel as though you're getting more comfortable with the listening audience and telling them a more personal secret towards the end of the song.

As for how the song itself sounds, I think the music is great and has good flow. Your vocals are also good, but a bit...hmmm...I don't know any technical terms to describe voice, but in some places it's harder to hear the words when you're at the end of a sentence. Almost as though the words don't matter as much as the sound of your voice. The trills? I don't know, and I won't pretend to know how to fix that either.

I can see this getting polished to quite a nice level!

And also, this review brings me to my first blue star. Thanks for the honor!




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Sun Oct 29, 2017 4:10 pm
inktopus wrote a review...



Hey, Jashael! Storm here for a review this fine Review Day, so let's get right into this review!

We've seen too many sunsets
Bridges burnt down to ashes
But have we kept the faith despite?

That last line doesn't make sense grammatically. Just because you're writing a song doesn't allow you to ignore the laws of writing sentences that make sense.

Do we finally understand
Fear needs to stay in the past?
We've made the same mistakes
Who couldn't tell?

I don't understand what's going on here and how it relates to the rest of the song. In a song, you generally need to stay on the same sort of topic, and if the development of that topic isn't obvious, then people aren't going to see the connection.

That the bells can be honest
That we can be brave again?

You haven't mentioned bells before this instance, so it can't be a metaphor or personification of some kind. And bells can't talk to be honest, so I have no idea what you're trying to say here.

Will you let me see past down your guard?
Will I let you touch my soul's littlest parts?

First, the first sentence does not make any sense as a sentence. It needs to be reworded. Second, that second line brings to mind child molesting. I just want to really drive home that this line is weird and should probably not be included in the final song.

'Coz it's right

What's right? The time? The relationship? Songs can be vague, but not quite this vague. Listeners need to know what it is you're referring to in instances like this.

Overall, I felt like this was just another generic pop song about being hurt in a relationship and wondering if you're going to be hurt again. It's nothing that hasn't been done before, and while I can say you succeeded in sounding like all of the rest, it's nothing special or incredibly original. I could picture this playing on the radio, but I feel like it would blend in and not be anything special or noteworthy.

Feel free to reply to this review or to pm me if you have any questions.

~Storm




Jashael says...


Hi, Storm!

I did mention that I highlighted the parts I needed help with so your saying that this line and that line "doesn't make sense" don't help at all. If you mentioned how to improve those lines rather than lecturing me on my field, maybe I could've gathered something that would help me revise those lines. Yet here I am waiting...

But thanks for mentioning the "touch littlest" part. Now that little comment did help and I'm trying to think of how to fix that line! I wonder now how to revise that part.

AND YAY! I need lyrics that are very generic!

Thank you for your time!

Jash x



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Sun Oct 29, 2017 3:58 pm
deleted21 wrote a review...



Hello there!

Mialy here with a quick review! (Or more like, compliment note :3)

I was listening to your recording while reading the lyrics here and honestly, I love it! (And now listening again :3)

First thing first! The first stanza, neat starting. I like the picture you tried showing there and the metaphors you used (i/e: Bridges burnt down to ashes. But have we kept the faith despite?)
And as for the second stanza, great too! But, I don't get why the bold lines are there for? Anyway, and as for the chorus, it hit me like a train, these lyrics especially:

Can we push back all these monsters
Whispering at the back of our minds
That it ain't worth it?


Anyway, totally loved your work! :] Hope to see (and hear) more of your lyrics in the future!




Jashael says...


Hi, Eccedentesiast!

Those parts I put in bold are the ones I thought were prolly confusing but I have no idea how to fix. But seeing that only one person/beta out of six has been actually confused (and that person is the youngest so far - and taking note the song has a bit of an older audience), maybe I can conclude that those lines don't need to undergo as much revision as I'd thought? T_T Now I'm confused! Haha.

Thanks for your time!

Jash x



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Sat Oct 21, 2017 8:35 pm
Jenthura says...



Is there somewhere we can listen to the song? :D




Jashael says...


Just click the link in the note! :D Haha.



Jenthura says...


Oops! ><



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Tue Oct 17, 2017 6:48 pm
Ashley602338 says...



Overall the song is good but maybe make the chorus more structured. I'm more of a novel writer than a song writer but I try my best




Jashael says...


Hmm... I wonder what you mean by "structured." :O



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Tue Oct 17, 2017 5:50 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hello Jash! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at lyrics but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
I.
Are we both too empty
To tell if we're just lonely
Or if this is what we both have been waiting for?

Are we both too broken
To repeat what has been spoken
To regret what we thought were only words?

We've seen too many sunsets
Bridges burnt down to ashes {Sunsets and ashes don't rhyme}
But have we kept the faith despite?

CHORUS:

Could you, could you
Could you be the one
Or just another false alarm?
I'm tired of all these games
Still{,} I'm willing to wait all the same

Would you, would you
Would you mind the scars
That they left on my heart?
Oh, would you walk away?
Or are you the last to stay?

II.

Do we finally understand
{That f}ear needs to stay in the past?
We've made the same mistakes
Who couldn't tell?

Now we both claimed {that} we've moved on
That we've both learnt our lessons
But the real question is:
Have we learnt them well?

Can we still believe in promises (my alternative word is "miracles") {"miracles" works better}
That the bells can be honest
That we can be brave again?

{ { }CHORUS{ } }

BRIDGE:

Will you let me see past down your guard?
Will I let you touch my soul's littlest parts?
Can we push back all these monsters
Whispering at the back of our minds
That it ain't worth it?
Oh, but baby, tell me it's worth it{.} {**inhales** BABY I'M WORTH IT}

'Coz it's time
'Coz it's right

Would you, would you
Would you mind the scars
That he left on my heart?
Oh, would you walk away?
Or are you the last to stay?

Could you, could you
Could you be the

Could you, could you
Could you be

Could you, could you
Could you be the one?

Or just another sad false alarm?


This is a very good song I couldn't listen to the song, sorry and I reviewed it from a poet's standpoint. Great job with that. A few flow issues, sure, but otherwise it's very good. Keep up the good work.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

Image


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Image




Jashael says...


Hi, Kara! Thank you for your thoughts! :)



Jashael says...


LOL at the "BABY I'M WORTH IT."



zaminami says...


you're welcome

I hate that song too




The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
— Groucho Marx