A/N: I wrote this during English class because I was bored and felt the need to write something. I realize that it needs a lot of help and any would be appreciated 
Btw, the part in red, should I keep it or replace it with something else?
~*~
His smile is like the forest ground,
crisp and beautiful on top,
but deeper down,
rotten and dead.
She trusts him, loves him
with a feeling that makes her heart feel blown up and full,
still a tiny clover of doubt hides.
Fists stain her skin red, purple, blue, green, yellow,
an artist's palet dyed into her flesh-
and he smiles, preaches with a delicate voice
about pride and shame and what is right and what is wrong.
Her heart begins to deflate,
confused, worried thoughts spin dizzily through her head
and she tries, tries so hard to
make it better, fix it again.
He's God and the Devil all wrapped into one.
A pretty-faced demon in disguise,
hiding something vile, ugly, dark
behind shiny black hair and flawless skin
Bruises flower up her arms and legs,
tattoos of "What's right for you, you know I love you"
but she slides on a mask of
tight closed lipped smiles and glazed eyes.
He doesn't discriminate,
hits armslegschestfaceback, everything
till it's branded with his touch, proof that's it's his
and she loses herself.
She;s a good student,
because she learns,
soft-spoken lies make their way out of her mouth,
unwilling
And the teacher is gifted at deception too,
beautiful blue eyes wide and caring,
his lips pepper her
in sweet nothings and half-hearted apologies.
He seems sincere, truly worried,
and her heart beats in hope
but she blinks
and it must have been a trick of the light.
Out comes that smile, those dimples,
and out comes those clenched, angry fists
and she remembers her first lesson,
Hate the lovely.
What do you think? I don't know if I like the title. I always figure out the title of a poem after I finish it but I'm not sure if I like it...thoughts?
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Hey, Jas.
You've gotten some good advice so far so I'm going to be brief. I like your concept here. It's interesting and creative, and I like how you play around with the personalities of the two main characters in this, and how you show that the guy is both is good and bad. I'm tired of one-dimensional characters, and you make it clear that guy has different sides to him -- much like a real person.
However, like Snoink said, you don't really seem to have a clear focus to this, and makes it hard to follow and understand. For now, I would strip this down to the bare core of the story you want to tell without, like Snoink said, resorting to gimmicks. Think of your characters; what are they like? You seem to use flat descriptions for them; instead of telling us that the guy is both and bad, show instances of how he acts like God and how he acts like the devil. Try to develop more of a clear narrative structure to your poem; I would show us how your characters meet and interact instead of just jumping to various instances of their time together.
Your imagery is also somewhat bare and doesn't really paint an image for the reader as to what is going on. Take your line where you have all of the colors -- instead of simply listing them all, I would describe their shades in more detail, or compact that and make reference to a color palette or rainbow or something similar. That way, we get a sense that you want us to think of a lot of colors without bogging down the flow of the story.
Hope this helps! Good luck with your revisions, and feel free to PM me for anything.
~ Elinor
SO dare accepted and if I finish it there had better be like a freaking Hope shrine at the end of it xD
I really love this metaphor, but I feel like it's really to short to be it's own stanza, try expanding on it.Lets do this yo!
I don't like the description here really, blown up and full does not bring to mind romance.
This is probably my favorite part of the whole poem (artist bias.)
I'm not really sure what this part is about, him trying to guilt trip her or something?
Again I really don't like the description, I don't feel any emotion from it, which is really the whole point of a poem, isn't it?
The ending of this stanza I think is just sort of repeating the first part and really isn't needed.
This is kind of the reverse of what I just said, I like the end, but I'm not really feeling the beginning.
Bleh I really don't like any of this stuff to be frank. xD
You've got a few good lines in here, but really I must say the rest is kind of bland and not too great. It's not horrible, but defiantly not your best love, needs a lot of work if you want to make it good.
BUT I'm off to go review more of your shtuff. <3
~Hope
I'll try.
I've never actually done that before...I sort of just write. xD
Thanks!
~Jas
Haha, I figured as much! But see, what you do first is a free write where you just puke out your emotions on paper. Then you start to construct the poem. And the way you do this is you look for patterns or particularly strong images, etc., and then you construct your poem around them. That way, your poem seems super duper strong.
Africa = Thanks so much for the review! I really used it to help me, because as Snoink said, I really don't what I'm trying to point out with this poem. xD About the 'Hate the Lovely' thing, I was going to put 'Don't Trust the Lovely' but that sounded awkward. You got the girl's emotions down pat and I really am happy I was able to give you that.
Thanks again!
Snoink = xD I really don't know where I'm going with this. The problem is, I don't know how to find out where I'm going with this. It's like a roadtrip and instead of misreading the map, I never had one to begin with. Thanks for the review!
~Jas
Right now, you need to figure out what is important about this poem and what isn't. You're throwing all these visual cues toward us as a somewhat hodgepodge of information, but it looks like you didn't really go through and determine (a) what you wanted to say in the first place, and (b) how you want to say it. So it appears to be very random.
Slow down and start over. What do you want to say? What are the key images and ideas that will help you say what you want to say? Focus on these first.
Don't try gimmicks until you have the main concept down. It's a quick way to make the poem look poetic, but if it doesn't have a core, the gimmicks make it look tacky. First, concentrate on substance.
Best of luck!
Right now, you need to figure out what is important about this poem and what isn't. You're throwing all these visual cues toward us as a somewhat hodgepodge of information, but it looks like you didn't really go through and determine (a) what you wanted to say in the first place, and (b) how you want to say it. So it appears to be very random.
Slow down and start over. What do you want to say? What are the key images and ideas that will help you say what you want to say? Focus on these first.
Don't try gimmicks until you have the main concept down. It's a quick way to make the poem look poetic, but if it doesn't have a core, the gimmicks make it look tacky. First, concentrate on substance.
Best of luck!
Hi there!
I assume "stsin" is supposed to be "stain". Also, "skin" used twice in two lines feels too repetitive, so you may want to change one of those. Oh, and "artists" should be "artist's".Okay, so overall I thought this was good. I personally think you should keep the part in red. I think you did a great job capturing this sort of thing - how the girl always thinks she's screwed up and deserves it, how she thinks the guy really does love her and doesn't see that if he reeeeeally loved her or was a good person, he wouldn't do this.
I did find a couple typos, and there are a few things that bug me, so let me point those out:
This stanza just kind of bugs me, mostly the second line. You mostly have great imagery and diction, but that line...it just doesn't measure up to the rest.
Should probably be a comma between "lips" and "smiles" but I'll leave that to you as an artistic decision.
I love "armslegschestfaceback".
This last line doesn't do anything for me. I understand that this is what they do, but...I don't know. It's unnecessary. I think the stanza can stand without it.
Love the last two lines, but "apologizes" should be "apologies," otherwise "half-hearted" should be "half-heartedly".
Just slightly confused at the end here: hate the lovely because...when he seems lovely, that's when he's actually being a bastard? Hate the lovely as opposed to...loving him when he hits her? I don't mind the stanza itself, but I'm left feeling a bit confused.
Overall, this was very good, and of course you saw above that there are some parts that I thought were great
~Blue