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by James565611

The sound of my heart beat

Echoes down the street

Where nightmares and fears meet.

My wounded soul in the dark,

By the corner of the street

Where I sat all alone, I cried.

I held my head with both hands

As it chimed like the sound of the London bell.

My eyes shook badly.

My nose ran, petrified of the gory lady in my nightmare.

My closed eyes could see her clearly.

Blood ran down her eyes and from her nose.

She stretched her chopped off fingers to me

For help, I was scared

I closed my ears but I could hear her scream in agony.

Her gown was tore and covered in blood

In agony she screamed and screamed

But I stood behind the lines shaking.  

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109 Reviews

Points: 11267
Reviews: 109

Mon Aug 26, 2019 9:30 am
silvermoon17 wrote a review...

Hello hello
Up first.. in what way is someone crying with his head in his hands have any ressemblance with a LONDON BELL
The metaphor is nice though, it really fits with the whole Victorian ages setting style I felt your poem had. If only it made sense..
So then there is this gory lady in your nightmare. A gory lady, I remind you; is not an adjective. You can’t say, oh he is a very gory person. Gory is a genre if you’re talking about cinema or stories- not an a d j e c t I v e.
Otherwise the rest conveyed the feeling of nightmares pretty well. Although you never really insist on who and why and what is the lady. Which could’ve been a nice twist.
I am not inventing that, it’s perfectly true.
That is why your poem could mean so much more. The lady might represent someone. I was half expecting you to say the lady was you or something. But you didn’t. So cool. The repetition of you c r y I n g all throughout the poem and the way you employed words such as “agony” or “screamed” or “shivers” gives this poem a very stark felling. Stark meaning cold, bare, dark, naked and glum and yet empty. Oh I dunno. Just look it up.
Oh also
Another dream fact
WHEN YOU DIE IN YOUR DREAMS IT IS A WAY OF SAYING THAT YOU’VE STARTED A NEW LIFE. That you are reborn really. That you are someone different.

James565611 says...

thank you so much silvermoon, i appreciate you reviewing my work. i will adjust to your suggestions thank you again

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23 Reviews

Points: 63
Reviews: 23

Fri Aug 23, 2019 5:28 pm
kaceymackwriter wrote a review...

This is absolutely amazingly written! Your details allow for the reader to really visualize the nightmare, to engage with the story as they read. Your rhyming scheme was also well done.

I'd only suggest revisions on lines such as "For help, I was scared" and "My eyes shook badly" as they both read a bit different from the rest of the poem. There are also a few grammar issues with them that could be fixed by switching the words around a little bit.

All in all, well done and I hope to see more of your poetry in the future!

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264 Reviews

Points: 2924
Reviews: 264

Fri Aug 23, 2019 12:48 am
Horisun wrote a review...

I would wake up crying if I had that dream... (Shivers)
So, I didn't really expect a poem, but I think surprise poems are the best poems. I really liked the descriptions, and the London Bell Metaphor, (Or whichever type of figurative language it is) And the rhyming was good!
I saw a few things I'd like to point out.
First, "My eyes shook badly" Felt very blunt, and out of place. Maybe play with the wording a bit. Same with "I was scared"
Second, there are a few missing comma's here and there, like the second to last line.
Other than that, pat yourself on the back for a job well done! Keep on writing, and have a great day or night!

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338 Reviews

Points: 27230
Reviews: 338

Thu Aug 22, 2019 9:16 pm
EditorAndPerks wrote a review...

Hey there! I figured I would pop by and give a review on this poem of yours. I'll be using the YWS Critique Sandwich form, as it's a simple and easy way to really get a review done and give good feedback on works.

The first step is what I liked about this poem. I am a little curious about what the woman represents here and do appreciate the attempt at making this a "horror" kind of poem. I don't see that happen too often on this site, so this is certainly a little apart from the typical categories of poetry. From there, a couple of lines do seem a bit interesting as in "chimed like ... the Londen bell" and "behind the lines." These two ideas stand out to me as I think there are plenty of ways to develop these images and get into the meaning of this poem as a whole. We definitely get a look into the narrator's head which is always fun to read, and a curious way to draw the reader along with what's happening in the poem.

The next step is what I think could be improved about this poem. As stated previously, let's go over a few things that could use a little work. Initially, I really would recommend creating stanzas to break this story up. Perhaps by going with every three or four lines when the thought seems complete this can then read a lot smoother and give little breaks for your readers. In addition, I think adding to ideas such as "chimed" since that's such a specific idea to really envision in one's mind, and comparing to how the narrator appears to be away from the fictional idea of the screaming woman. In addition, the use of punctuation kind of splinters this into a poor reading as there are so many abrupt stops scattered through because of the periods.

The last step is a summary of the poem itself and of my review. This appears to be of someone "seeing" this nightmarish image of a woman who had had apparently died/been killed that feels quite too real for the narrator. This only exasperates the issue because the person is currently walking along a street captivated by the horrible idea before them. My review mostly consisted of pointing out that the tone is decently on the fearful/scared side of things, but that there are a few places to modify figurative language instead of something simply more "telling."

Good luck with your future writing! ^^

Doing that kind of work, you really get to know if you like animals. If you can somehow enjoy cleaning out their cages, then you know you genuinely love animals.
— Jack Hanna