In the dark shadow of the night, I sit.
All alone I felt hollow with fear.
No sound in my heart, I sing,
No joy, but pains of the dark I bear.
When the door above my head opens
And I see the smiles of the light,
My heart will brighten like the heavens
With the great smiles from the light.
Until then my eyes remain hollow.
My heart, heavy as if death calls,
With a little hope I won’t follow,
Oh be quick, I call
Because weaker and weaker
I become in the dark shadow of the night.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey James565611!
Liberty500 is here for a review!
I really liked your poem. You expressed your/somebody else's fear, really really well.
The ending line: "I become in the dark shadow of the night." is really nice, except I'd like to recommend that you could maybe change it to: "I disappear in the dark shadow of the night." Because "become" doesn't fit in very well in the sentence.
Keep on writing!
~Liberty500
thank you so much Liberty500. I will adopt ur suggestion
Hey James565611!
Liberty500 is here for a review!
I really liked your poem. You expressed your/somebody else's fear, really really well.
The ending line: "I become in the dark shadow of the night." is really nice, except I'd like to recommend that you could maybe change it to: "I disappear in the dark shadow of the night." Because "become" doesn't fit in very well in the sentence.
Keep on writing!
~Liberty500
Hey there, James!!
This is Eros here with a review for this sweet and beautiful little poem of yours!!
This is a beautiful poem with great imagery and I loved it very much. The style of writing was very beautiful. It was unique and the words used are easy to understand and really suits the poem.
The poem is very deep and the meaning behind it is also awesome. It deserves a like from me.
The presentation of the poem was also very good.
Oh! I forgot to comment on the title. Actually I always start my review by commenting on the title ... But since I haven't done any reviews since a long time maybe I forgot.
Well, let's come back to point,
The title of the poem is very catchy and attractive. Well that's why I am here writing a review for this poem. XD a title should be apt short and sweet and most importantly related to the content. I am glad that the title of your poem has fulfilled all the criterias of a good title.
I didn't see any grammatical mistakes or any nit pics.
Great job!! keep writing such awesome poetries and stuff and we will keep reading and reviewing them...!!
Have a great day/ night!
With love,
From Eros.
thank you so much Eros, your words are very encouraging. thanks
Welcome!!
This is a very interesting and cool poem. I like the rhythm, and sometimes the rhythm goes off beat a little, such as in the line "When the door above my head opens". There is one line where the present tense theme changes to past tense and it seems like it should be present tense. This is the line that says "All alone I felt hollow with fear". Should it be "feel"? One more thing - the last line "I become in the dark shadow of the night", I feel like the word "in" doesn't fit as well as it should in terms of definition.
There isn't anything else to review about this. Good job and happy writing!
thanks i will do a recheck