Miss Weatherly was trying to comfort her, but it didn’t help. Micah was so focused on her that he didn’t hear the laughing that spread like a wild fire throughout the room. They were laughing at her!
Micah’s fists clenched and unclenched as the laughter got louder. This is wrong! he thought to himself. Without thinking he told Miss Weatherly that he would take Valerie to the nurse. Seeing the anger and determination in his eyes, she let him take Valerie out of the room.
Her bright emerald eyes were now a dark green, as the sadness invaded them. Micah wanted to do nothing more than to give her a long hug. She walked with him down the hallway, her eyes staring at the ground. Micah felt her pain, maybe not as much, but enough.
He pushed open the door to the nurse’s office and went inside with Valerie behind him. The nurse smiled sweetly at the both of them, her dark brown hair resting in a bun on the back of her head. Micah started telling her about what happened and the nurse’s smile disappeared. After he finished telling her what happened she shook her head with disgust.
She looked to Valerie and held her hand saying that she could take as much time as she needed and went into the back room to finish whatever she had been working on. Gently, he took Valerie’s hand and set her down upon the bed. Her now solemn eyes met his, and Micah felt his heart drop. She seemed so... Defeated. As if she had just lost the most important thing in the world to her. He sat down next to her, took her hands into his, and looked her in the eyes.
“I’m always going to be here for you. Whether you want to believe it or not is up to you, but I promise you that I’ll always be here.” Her cheeks had turned a rosy red, and she quickly looked off to the side. Micah let go of her hands, feeling the burning within his own cheeks. He looked away, not wanting Valerie to see how red his own cheeks had become.
They stayed that way for a few minutes, then Micah felt a small tap upon his shoulder. He turned to look at her and was caught in her slender arms. He could feel her heartbeat as she buried her head into his shoulder, silently crying. Gently he brought his arms up and hugged her back. Moving his hands up and down her back, he let her know that everything would be alright.
She had stopped crying and broke away from him. Her eyes had regained their brilliant emerald green color, but they still had tears on the brim that threatened to escape. He put his hand against her cheek and wiped away one of them that fell with his thumb. She smiled and made a face like she was laughing. He couldn’t help but laugh with her.
Things are going to get better. He thought to himself as Valerie stood up and held her hand out to him.
End Of Chapter 3
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I couldn't find anything particularly wrong with this. It was nice, smooth writing. More on the "telling" side of writing instead of "showing"; you brush upon things occurring around the scene, the bell etc, what about other things people notice when they're distressed? Things like what song is playing over the PA, the contents of a random open locker, maybe a particular person.
Some nitpicks:
Generally speaking, thoughts are in italics:
Generally speaking, thoughts are kept to ourselves
Should be:
In this case, the ellipse is not ending a sentence, but hanging it on.
Realism: Don't make this story too wishy-washy:
People do blush in embarrassment, but not over such things as this.
I know it isn't much, but hope this helps
Hey there! Reviewing this from my phone XD
It's also way of developing a good form of communication between them.
So I have read the previous chapter and I think this continuation is very well done. Micah's character comes out much more here and I can see the relationship between both of them deepen. In this, it's a little hard to understand Valaries thoughts because you dont write from her point of view. The only thing I see from her is sadness. One advice her e would be to have her write something on a piece of paper. Just a tip!
However I do think more description could be used here. This was a little too fast paced for my liking and I didn't feel the emotions building up. Focus more on developing the emotions felt my Micah, and maybe even his feelings towards Valarie.
As I said before, I dont think dialogue will play much of a major role in this so you will have to find another way to convey the message across. Given that your narration is pretty good I think you could use that.
Overall a great chapter to read! I really like how the relationshil is developing between Micah and Valarie and I'm actually wondering if they'll end up in love...?
Hope my review helped!
Heyo Jalmoc
Miss Weatherly
Without thinking, he told...
... she let him
Afterwords
...Defeated, As...
Things are going to get better. He thought...
I'm here to critique this piece of yours.
And I'd like to apologize in advance. I haven't read the previous chapters, so if I happen to say anything unnecessary or something mention before, please
hunt me down and make me say I'm sorryforgive me.So right on to the review.
In the first sentence, you don't normally hear of someones cheeks flushing with frustration, do you? This is a major nitpick, but I felt I had to mention it
In the second paragraph;
Spoiler
wastried to comfort her...You write most of the passage in past tense, so you should keep it that way, and if you were going to keep it this way, the next sentence should say it doesn't help, not it didn't help.
And in the next paragraph;
Spoiler
Missing a comma. Nothing major.
Then the final sentence of this paragraph;
Spoiler
take Valerie out of the room.This sounds redundant after the last sentence, and should really only be used if you're trying to make your audience seem dumber than they are.
You make the same mistake in the last sentence of the fifth paragraph;
Spoiler
he finished telling her what happened...You sound redundant again.
This is small, but in the sixth paragraph;
Spoiler
A comma would work much better.
In the seventh paragraph, remember you should always separate dialogue from other paragraphs.
You do good for a while until the last paragraph;
Spoiler
Always italicize thought. Well that's probably a personal preference, but it looks neat.
And don't write End of Chapter 3, it kills the whole mood.
You've got a great story that just needed a few kinks worked out.
Hopefully I was able to help you with that.
I'm glad to see you're still writing this series, I'll be looking forward to more