In my arms
a child
was it so wise
by chance
to assume
the possiblity
so very crazed
by night
so sleepless crazed
by day
should I be saved
not lost
should I resume
my life
no, you don't
see it
know this life
is
in my arms
a child
________________________________
The lack of punctuation is purposeful.
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I understand the metaphor with the form, different ways of reading, and, in full, the effect of everything together. However, it's confusing and not as well-presented as it needs to be.
It's very difficult to pull off a poem like this. Very difficult.
Try again?
The purpose of the placing, was yes, specific.
There's more than one way to read this, and reading it in each way ties the meaning together. Or...it should.
Hm.
Why have you formatted in such a way? At first I thought it was to create a parralell effect - to have two streams of thought that said separate things while still combining coherently. On review, however, it didn't appear to quite fit. So I need to ask, was that your intention?
It could have been brilliant, were that the case but I'm going to assume it wasn't. However, I should hope there is a specific reason for the spacing of the words; some dramatic effect you wanted, perhaps? It can't be random, is all I'm saying and if there was a purpose beyond what I have already intimated, it was lost on me.
Twice-crazed? Once is enough, I think. I suggest finding another word there.
I believe I grasped the story here but I think you might want to consider making it more of a revelation at the end.
I would strike 'a child' and put something oblique here; just for an added air of mystery.
I enjoyed this though. Hope I helped,
Kudos,
Jigs
This is... interesting. But I'm not sure what the poem is about, so I can't critique it. Can you tell me?
OK that sounded rather bad - I understand it's about a child that was born out of a one night stand, or something. But I really don't understand how the words reflect that... see what I mean? The words don't 'fit' together, the phrases don't flow seamlessly, and we're left kinda wondering... well, what was that about? *laughs*
I'm sorry if this wasn't the critique you were after, but I honestly can't say any more. You can't comment on what you don't understand, and it would be hypocritical if I did... because I yell at people for doing that very same thing IRL.
Ja-!