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Young Writers Society



Butterfly

by JC


Okay, this is my second poem...which I wrote in a fret of, well....butterflies...
Feel free to tell me everything that is wrong about this...I'm not a poet by any standards =D hehe.

The butterflies are eating away at me.
They flutter around, sending my insides in circles.
Twisting,
Constricting,
Killing.

My heart beats faster and slower
At the same time.
Skips beats,
Tricks my mind.
Sends the butterflies spiraling.

Shaking hands that no longer work,
Try desperately to express
These not so calm emotions.
Mistype,
Spelling error,
Trying to kill the butterflies.

They won’t die.
Residing in my body and soul.
Taking away everything that was dear to me,
My life,
My future,
My family.

Butterflies tell me my mistakes,
Butterflies punish me for them.
Twisting,
Constricting,
Killing.

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Sun Jun 17, 2007 5:18 pm
Cade says...



Not to contradict her but simply give another opinion...

Quote:
Shaking hands that no longer work,


Yes, at first this line caught me off guard. You imagine someone shaking with hands that do not work, which is what Colly-dearest changed it to. But then I thought for a second, and I understood what you meant. The confusion comes from the dual meaning of "shaking hands" hands that are shaking, and the action/greeting of shaking hands. To fix this, change the word "shaking" to something else.

OMG Clau that makes so much more sense! Good catch...Yes, definitely change shaking to something else, or there will be people like me going, "Wha? People's hands no longer work when you shake them?"

I agree wholeheartedly with whence. Word choice can make or break a piece of writing. I believe he also expressed something I said before; give a particular situation in which this happens. It is rather vague.

-Colleen




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Sat Jun 16, 2007 7:50 pm
whence wrote a review...



try beefing up the vocab here. A line, and thus a poem, can mean so much more [or simply 'else'] if the perfect adjective/adverb/noun/etc. is chosen. You've got some vague ones here. for instance, you say your emotions aren't calm. Well, are they the unrest of nerves before going into the spotlight, dreading what's going to happen? Or are they the general un-comforts associated with simply being uncomfortable with someone? Perhaps a metaphor could help clarify, while also lending its poetic-device-induce wonderness.

Yeah... I'm rambling again.

I hope you got something out of that, 'cause looking back it makes no sense. :D




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Sat Jun 16, 2007 7:11 pm
Emerson wrote a review...



Colly covered some good topics.

Not to contradict her but simply give another opinion...

Shaking hands that no longer work,


Yes, at first this line caught me off guard. You imagine someone shaking with hands that do not work, which is what Colly-dearest changed it to. But then I thought for a second, and I understood what you meant. The confusion comes from the dual meaning of "shaking hands" hands that are shaking, and the action/greeting of shaking hands. To fix this, change the word "shaking" to something else.

I agree the lines are choppy, leaving for not much flow. I can relate to the topic, but how it is presented is a little...off. I think that over all could have done better.

Most emotional poems are victim to navel-gazing, and can be cleaned up by paying more attention to the reader, and word choice. Read over the poem and ask yourself, "Do I feel anything when I read this? Do the words I use, the metaphors, the descriptions give a good feeling of what I was explaining?" of course that may make no sense at all... xD I wrote an article on the subject that expands the key topics better, and may help you: Emotional Poetry.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me :-D




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Sat Jun 16, 2007 6:22 pm
Cade wrote a review...



I like the contrast created here, butterflies and...horrible things. I suppose you're talking about butterflies in one's stomach? I share your sentiments.

Meaning. It's a little too straightforward for my taste. The poem is well-constructed, but it leaves little to the imagination. I'm sure you know the idea of "show v. tell"? This does a little too much telling; why not show your reader a situation? A place? A specfic time the butterflies made the speaker feel what's being expressed here? Doing this makes it easier for the reader to connect with what's being expressed.

Structure/Phrasing. Everything sounds rather choppy, and no wonder! There are so many fragments!

Line breaks. I'm sure some of the line breaks here were meant to place emphasis on certain phrases or words, but sometimes it can make things a tad melodramatic.

Syntax. I'm not really sure what's going on with these sentences:

They flutter around, sending my insides in circles.
"sending my insides into circles"?
Shaking hands that no longer work,
I think you were trying to say that the speaker's hands no longer work? But if it's phrased this way, it makes it seems like the other peoples' hands don't work, which doesn't make much sense. Try "Shaking with hands that no longer work..." or something like that. Alternately, rephrase it entirely, because neither of them sounds very good.

Good work!
-Colleen





Irresponsibly-conceived assignments don't deserve responsibly-executed complies.
— Persistence