Death's Warrior Chapter 3 (Part 1)

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*Rough draft after NaNoWriMo, I still haven't read the whole thing through for editing, but it needs to be posted*

CHAPTER THREE

He paced, his great hoofs thudding against the moist earth, crushing leaves and jarring shallowly buried roots. Was he to interfere? Was he to be the one to break the great laws that had been so pretentiously written long ago?

The black pegasus swerved around a thick tree and bent himself around a small sapling, returning to the direction in which he originally came, continuing the rut he was making in the forest floor. He snorted, now angered by his predicament and turned back around again, swishing his tail as he did so, and snapped the sapling in half by pounding it with one of his hooves.

How could he be so close and yet so far away? Three hundred years he had had to wait, and now even these few precious seconds seemed too long to hold out.

This was different, however, this was wrong. The worlds seemed to be tearing apart, stretching and testing their boundaries against one another, allowing for something to happen that shouldn’t.

Shouldn’t. What a word. For who should decide what should and should not be? The pegasus thought. And yet, there was something that should not be. Something was wrong and he was determined to find out.

He shifted his folded wings tighter against his body as a gust of wind made its ways through the trees. This time he placed his hooves with care, softening their blows upon the earth and doing his best to avoid the areas filled with leaves. If there was one thing he intended to learn from his existence on earth it was how to walk quietly.

His ears pricked forward at the sound of voices and his nostrils flared wider as they took in the scent of smoke. Suddenly something was rammed into his head, inside his mind, causing him to arch his next and halt in pain. In a flash it was over, but the empty cavern had been filled and a powerful energy surged through him that he hadn’t known he had been missing.

As if a string attached him to his target, he finished winding his ways through the trees and found himself on the edge of a small campsite. His attention was immediately captured by a young woman. She lay with her long, dark, curling hair sprawled around her shoulders, a dress of evergreen cloaked her and she appeared to be peacefully asleep. There were five men dressed like soldiers, but not entirely in protective armor, surrounding her. They seemed more like decorative pieces with weapons attached to their sides, free to move with less weight on them, serving no purpose, but they wore the royal insignia. Guards then? Perhaps.

The girl suddenly gasped and sat up. She rolled to her side and the men suddenly reached for her and scrambled into action. Should he interfere? He was certainly worried, for this did not seem like normal behavior for a mortal being. Did his worry give reasonable cause for his actions? Would he ever be able to plead his case against the gods? The pegasus pawed at the ground, unsure and nervous. What if something were to go wrong with the mortal?

No, it was all surely in the gods’ hands. They would not bring him this close to a new Rider only for him to be yanked away in the last minute. Trust was something he lacked, but patience was in abundance and so the great black warrior locked his legs and stood, imperceptible to the mortals’ eyes, on the edge of their temporary civilization watching as they reacted to every action the young woman made.

One man picked her up and carried her over to a piece of padded cloth on the ground which looked as though they had used it to sleep on the night before. The girl lay peacefully once more and the men went back to their seats by the fire. Suddenly there was a flurry of movement and the young woman sprinted for the horses. Grabbing a sword, she threatened them.

Ah, so she is a fighter, he thought, but he watched as her hands shook on the sword and her stance wavered. The men said something to her and she responded by dropping the sword and nearly falling to her knees again. She is weak, he added, but that was how they all had come to him. It felt true to his soul, though, as after three hundred years of waiting he had grown weak too.

He continued to study the mortals’ actions. The young woman was led to the fire and given something to hold while they placed a blanket on her shoulders again. All five men sat back down in their respective places as words were spoken between the leader and the girl.

The pegasus watched as she unexpectedly stood up from her seat and glared at the men. They seemed to not want to divulge something, but soon enough two distinct words struck her heart and she stood in a long silence while a gust of wind brought words that only the black warrior could hear.

Now,” it said.

~*****~

Kastia stood in shocked silence. Only Damian would meet her eyes, and even then his stare wavered under the weight of hers.

“This cannot be real,” Kastia said, her hands clenching and unclenching, fingering the air for something they didn’t know of. A sudden gust of wind laid her hair across her eyes, blocking her vision before she deftly tucked it all back behind her ears as leaves, only partially dry, turned over, while others skidded across the ground end over end. The wind felt unnatural, curling, whispering. The trees and brush were too thick to allow this strong of air movement. It was definitely unnatural.

Kastia turned around when she heard something larger than a twig snap behind her. She heard thuds against the ground and saw a shadow moving among the darkness of the forest. Suddenly there was no movement at all, as if the very air held its breath. Then there was a very decisive snort and a large, dark, feathered hoof in the edge of the light.

It was a hoof that brought forth a great black, magnificently shining warrior of the heavens. His body towered in height, rippled in strength, and exuded a power that Kastia had never seen before. His black coat was darker than the heavens. His wings, although folded, rippled with black feathers tipped with silver and indigo violet shades. His mane flowed long and free and his thick tail only barely brushed the ground in an elegance of freedom and gentleness.

He studied her with one eye, the unmoving Kastia, as he slowly advanced towards her. His head was only a breath’s space from hers and she unsteadily raised her hand towards his face.

Riderrr,” the wind crooned, curling a strand of her hair in its fingers and allowing it to drift, once again, into her eyes, but she didn’t notice. All she felt were her fingers as they touched the powerful steed before her, but soon all of her senses were lost as she felt a power surging forth.

She felt every emotion coursing through his body; the angst, the peace, and he everything in hers. They became inextricably connected, each mind invading the other, unable to be stopped. They felt nothing of themselves and everything of the other, yet everything of themselves and nothing of the other. Suddenly the energy forced Kastia to step back, breaking their connection.

The world seemed brighter now. Colors were more defined, their clarity stunning to Kastia’s eyes. She heard cries of alarm from behind her but she did not want to turn around and take her eyes off of the great black pegasus.

He suddenly nudged her hand off of his nose and went to stand beside her, who followed his movements in a trance. He faced the wide-eyed men who were all standing and unsure of what to do, speaking to them with his mind.

I am Onyx, he said. Kastia felt her whole body tremble, as if he had spoken into the air and not into their minds. I am the last of all of the gods’ Warriors and I am the protector of the peace on this earth. My Rider has been chosen, fated by the gods, and therefore she is mine and I am hers. I will protect her with my life as she will protect me. You bear witness, for the first time in the history of this universe, to the coming of a Rider. However, the queen mustn't know until the time is right. You may tell her that the gods have spoken with the wind and that you found no trace of my Rider in your terror. A war is coming and we will be at the head. At this he turned to go, leaving a stunned silence in his wake. Even the fire did not make a sound. Kastia walked in the silence as well, almost exuding it herself, as if her very consciousness squashed any other noise.

They together left the campsite behind, the dark of the forest closing in around them. It no longer felt oppressive or mysterious to Kastia. She felt its mood lighten, almost welcoming her now. In her trance-like state, she marveled at the leaves crunching beneath her feet, then at the still green ones above her head. A raindrop fell onto her nose and she smiled, wiping it off with her hand. It was all so beautifully and perfectly created.

Unexpectedly, the great pegasus, Onyx, stopped and knelt down beside her.

Mount, he commanded of her through his mind.

Partially returning to herself, she paused. “To where will you take me?” she asked.

Onyx said nothing in reply, only blinked once steadily at her. Kastia did not hesitate as she grabbed a section of his mane and slid her leg over his back, her skirts gracefully spreading out as she did so. He then stood up from underneath her and resumed walking, only it soon turned into a trot and then into a smooth and flawless canter. The great Warrior knew exactly where to place his feet as he headed for some unknown destination.

Never had Kastia been so comfortable on a creature’s back and never had she felt so alive and yet so unlike herself. She and Onyx breathed as one, their minds somehow immeasurably linked and their hearts with the same desires- those both known and unknown.

Their bodies moved together, as if they had been made for each other, specifically molded and shaped to bond perfectly. Kastia’s thoughts were Onyx’s and Onyx’s were Kastia’s. The beat of his canter was in time with the beat of her heart.

His wings were folded against his sides, her legs slightly underneath them as if latched in place. The silver tipped, dagger pointed feathers ruffled and shimmered of their own accord. His long and wavy mane was not tangled and no matter how hard Kastia studied it she could find not a single knot. It fell thick and long to the top of his right shoulder where powerful muscles rippled beneath the surface with his every move.

They could have been going for minutes or for hours, Kastia didn’t know for she lost track of time in the mental state of bliss that she was in. But then again, she wasn’t sure that she wanted to know, for to know would make it possible that all of this wasn’t real. However, it could ensure that it was real. Who knows? Perhaps she is asleep somewhere far away, in a place that even she doesn’t realize yet.

Suddenly Onyx jumped and Kastia was scrambling for something to hold onto. She squeezed her legs and held on tight until he landed with a thud, proceeding to canter along.

Wake up. He said to her in her mind. This is reality.

But Kastia was unsure. She was unsure of how to speak back to him, unsure that what she was feeling wasn’t just a dream, unsure that the kingdom from which she had come was about to fall in flames, its king dead and its queen an unknown tyrant.

No, surely a dream. It must be.

You still do not believe me. Onyx said, pulling to a stop in his tracks. Reach out and touch the branches of the pine. Are they not real? Smell the moistened dirt which is wetted from the water of the clouds- the rain which fell upon your face. Did you not feel the heat of the fire? The wind on your face? Wake up, my dear Rider, for this is real and you have been chosen.

Kastia gently nodded to herself, she still only half comprehended, but she reached out and took a small section of pine needles from a branch near her shoulder. They felt real in her hand. She held them to her nose. They smelled of the mountains, of the forest she was in- fresh and free. Real. She threw the bunch to the side and grabbed a section of Onyx’s mane, rubbing it in between her fingers. It too was real.

“Very well,” she said aloud. She did not know if she felt okay at all, but she felt nothing else. Onyx swished his tail in reply and turned to the left, picking up a canter for a while in that perpendicular direction. Kastia began to notice a thinning of the trees, thinner roots flowed out from them and less were above the ground.

Onyx slowed and then halted completely when they came upon a place where vines and brush lay thickly like a tapestry or curtain. It stretched forever in either direction from what Kastia could see. It appeared to be hiding something on the other side. She stared, intrigued for only a second or two when Onyx snorted and backed up.

I have waited three hundred years for Kestrion to send me another Rider, and he has been faithful. Now walk beside me, Onyx said as he once again knelt down. Kastia slung her leg behind her and dropped to the ground. Rearranging her skirts, she now stood stoically at his side, willing herself to not stare at him, but straight ahead.

Onyx walked forward as Kastia followed close to his side. He parted the wall of brush and vines, Kastia following suit. The bright sun hit her face but she did not need to squint. Her eyes quickly adjusted and took in a world of paradise.

Comments & reviews · 4
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BlackhawkUnder
Comment

Me again :)

Question: is the first paragraph meant to be mocking the "great laws" that were written? Your use of the word "pretentiously" almost makes me think so. If Onyx legitimately respects the laws, I would consider using a different word to make that more clear.

For who should decide what should and should not be?

I think this might sound better if you replaced the first "should" with "can". It avoids repetition, and since Onyx is questioning the "shoulds" and "should nots" it just makes a little bit more sense.

He shifted his folded wings tighter against his body as a gust of wind made its ways
You slipped in an extra "s" at the end of "way."

Suddenly something was rammed into his head, inside his mind, causing him to arch his next and halt in pain.

You wrote "next" instead of "neck."

There's a paragraph where Onyx talks about receiving a surge of energy he hadn't known he'd been missing. If I remember correctly, you use a similar phrase in an earlier chapter. I would probably change that to avoid redundancy.

on the edge of their temporary civilization

You use the word civilization incorrectly here. Civilization isn't a PLACE, it's a stage of human development and organization. Try "dwelling" or "sanctuary" instead.

In Kastia's description of Onyx, you repeat the words "heavens" and "rippled."

She felt every emotion coursing through his body; the angst, the peace, and he everything in hers.

The wording of the end of this sentence threw me a little bit, I had to reread it to understand what you were trying to convey. I might change it to something along the lines of: She felt every emotion coursing through his body: the angst, the peace, just as he felt everything in hers.

Who knows? Perhaps she is asleep somewhere far away, in a place that even she doesn’t realize yet.

You changed tenses here. I think the correct format would be: Who knew? Perhaps she was asleep somewhere far away, in a place that even she didn't realize yet.

Once again, a work of brilliance. We get to know Onyx a little better, so that's wonderful. Many questions got cleared up, and more were created, which keeps the story flowing, another plus. This chapter was fairly straightforward, so I don't have much to critique about your writing style, I suppose. Everything was splendidly written.
One thing that seemed a bit odd to me was that the guards didn't say or do anything when Kastia walked off with Onyx. Since Onyx was speaking into Kastia's mind, can the guards hear him too? Or are they just staring at this giant pegasus and suddenly their princess wanders off into the forest with him without explanation? Why wouldn't they yell after her or try to stop her or anything?

Other than that, job well done.

Thank you for another review! The first and only thing I disagree with here is my "should" statement. This is only because there are Gods to be described later and each of them has the full ability to do something, its just who should. And so, I may as well figure out a better way to completely rephrase the whole thing XD as for everything else you mentioned, I agree wholeheartedly and will work to change the nitpicks as I edit :D

Thanks again!

okay, the gods thing makes much more sense for the "should" situation now! I definitely felt the ethereal/godly/philosophical vibe going on there, but wasn't sure if it was actually supposed to be like that lol.

Me again :)

Question: is the first paragraph meant to be mocking the "great laws" that were written? Your use of the word "pretentiously" almost makes me think so. If Onyx legitimately respects the laws, I would consider using a different word to make that more clear.

For who should decide what should and should not be?

I think this might sound better if you replaced the first "should" with "can". It avoids repetition, and since Onyx is questioning the "shoulds" and "should nots" it just makes a little bit more sense.

He shifted his folded wings tighter against his body as a gust of wind made its ways
You slipped in an extra "s" at the end of "way."

Suddenly something was rammed into his head, inside his mind, causing him to arch his next and halt in pain.

You wrote "next" instead of "neck."

There's a paragraph where Onyx talks about receiving a surge of energy he hadn't known he'd been missing. If I remember correctly, you use a similar phrase in an earlier chapter. I would probably change that to avoid redundancy.

on the edge of their temporary civilization

You use the word civilization incorrectly here. Civilization isn't a PLACE, it's a stage of human development and organization. Try "dwelling" or "sanctuary" instead.

In Kastia's description of Onyx, you repeat the words "heavens" and "rippled."

She felt every emotion coursing through his body; the angst, the peace, and he everything in hers.

The wording of the end of this sentence threw me a little bit, I had to reread it to understand what you were trying to convey. I might change it to something along the lines of: She felt every emotion coursing through his body: the angst, the peace, just as he felt everything in hers.

Who knows? Perhaps she is asleep somewhere far away, in a place that even she doesn’t realize yet.

You changed tenses here. I think the correct format would be: Who knew? Perhaps she was asleep somewhere far away, in a place that even she didn't realize yet.

Once again, a work of brilliance. We get to know Onyx a little better, so that's wonderful. Many questions got cleared up, and more were created, which keeps the story flowing, another plus. This chapter was fairly straightforward, so I don't have much to critique about your writing style, I suppose. Everything was splendidly written.
One thing that seemed a bit odd to me was that the guards didn't say or do anything when Kastia walked off with Onyx. Since Onyx was speaking into Kastia's mind, can the guards hear him too? Or are they just staring at this giant pegasus and suddenly their princess wanders off into the forest with him without explanation? Why wouldn't they yell after her or try to stop her or anything?

Other than that, job well done.

User avatar
Holysocks
Review

Hey there fellow Night Fury! Let's get to it! :D

I haven't read chapter one or two, but hopefully you won't mind me reviewing this first ( I may just go back and read your other chapters! ). When you first switched the point of view, I kind of got all anxious and scared because I was just starting to understand what was happening and here you were taking that security from me! I think this was mostly a side effect of me jumping into the later chapter, but oh well.

and the young woman sprinted for the horses. Grabbing a sword, she threatened them.


I feel like you could have been a little more... descriptive? How did she threaten them? Did she swing the sword wildly, spitting out curse words? Did she walk up to them and demand insist they'd die soon if they didn't tell her where she was? It's just good to know. :D



as they touched the powerful steed before her,


This possibly not worth pointing out... but I don't really like the sound of the word 'steed' used to describe a Pegasus. I think it's just because I always think of the 'steed' as being a trusty old horse/mule, and a Pegasus seems more refined... too pure for a title like 'steed'. But that's just my thoughts.

Mount, he commanded of her through his mind.

Partially returning to herself, she paused.


I had to read this a few times to figure out what you were trying to say. Starting off with 'partially' is some how confusing. Maybe if you worded it slightly different... like: Returning from her daze, partially, she paused. Or something to that effect. Only a suggestion though.

Reach out and touch the branches of the pine. Are they not real? Smell the moistened dirt which is wetted from the water


I really like how Onyx speaks... it's almost like his speech was taken right out of a bible, or something, which really suits your story, I think. :D

I quite enjoyed this, and I think I'll go back and read your first two chapters sometime! Keep up the awesome writing!!!

-Socks

Thanks for the review! I really appreciate it. You should definitely read the other chapters *winks*

I will agree with you on the threatening that I could have described more, but I sometimes like to leave things up to the reader's imagination. I also appreciate you pointing out my "steed" problem. You see, a Pegasus does not have many pronouns that are interchangeable with its name and I don't want to over-use "Onyx" so that is what I have put in there for now. :-/ I will try to find something different, I guess *sigh*

Thank you so much for reviewing! Happy Writing!

User avatar
Pretzelstick
Review

I will do a review of grammar for you since you wrote that you didn't edit it.In the future though I would strongly advise for you to edit it at least two times before submitting it.
1.In this sentence and any sentence when you talk about Pegasus please capitalize it.
2.I really enjoy the fantasy and the world that you have created here.
3.The vivid descriptions of how Onyx and Kastia were like two perfect souls for each other are amazing! My favorite one is: (from the end of your story)
Their bodies moved together, as if they had been made for each other, specifically molded and shaped to bond perfectly. Kastia’s thoughts were Onyx’s and Onyx’s were Kastia’s. The beat of his canter was in time with the beat of her heart.
4.Since this is Part 1 as I see at the top you need to develop Kastia's character.I need to know her like on a personal level. I need to know her thoughts and character traits.Simply put the reader wants to and needs to learn more about her.
5.Questions were filtering my mind. Why was Kastia held captive by soldiers? How exactly did she escape? What paradise did they go to.
6.I am assuming that in your next part you will describe what the paradise was,how is looked like,where it was,etc.
7.I stress this to all young writers. You need to indent each new paragraph correctly.Before you submit your work to this website preview it's format and make sure that the indentation is correct.
8.I hope that this review helps and as always keep on writing,reviewing and editing.

Thank you for the review! The reason I have not edited it is because it was part of my NaNoWriMo work and I am still writing the story, therefore I will not revise or look back over anything until I have finished telling the story. It is a personal rule of mine, I just felt that it needed to be submitted and I had fixed a few things but not read over on the whole.

In response to the "Pegasus" the reason that I do not capitalize it is because I am using it like any other species such as a dog or a lion which you do not capitalize. Pegasus is not his name, Onyx is his name and to capitalize both, in my eyes, could be confusing, but if you can sway me the other way then I am willing to listen.

Also, on the indenting, I have tried to indent on YWS but it screws it up every single time. It is in perfect formatting on google docs but it does not transfer that way.

Thank you so much for your review- Happy Writing!



You're given the form, but you have to write the sonnet yourself. What you say is completely up to you.
— Madeleine L'Engle, A Wrinkle in Time