Death's Warrior Chapter 2 (Part 2)

~*****~

Something was wrong.

He had felt a part of energy go out from him; an energy he hadn’t realized he had had or had needed until now.

Something was wrong. The blank existence he had usually felt in the back of his mind had vanished and left him feeling partly empty.

“Riderrrr” The wind spoke into his ears, impossibly stirring up the water-logged leaves at his hooves.

Rider. He repeated and nodded to himself. That was a word he hadn’t heard in over three hundred years. But a rider who was now nonexistent? Something was wrong.

“Gooooo to her,” the wind persisted, pushing his mane and tail forward with its frigid air.

So it is a she, he thought. However, he could do nothing for he was forbidden to interfere before he was called. The wind kept on.

“He says to gooooo,” it said, and when the black pegasus took a step backwards an impossibly strong gust of wind shoved him forward and out of the shelter of the trees on the edge of the castle grounds where he was once again standing.

He snorted, showing his dislike to the wind, but proceeded to walk his way down the long and winding hill that led to the valley below. He didn’t worry about the people because none could see him unless he deemed it so. No, he worried only momentarily about the wind’s instructions. If He had indeed told him to go then there must be something underfoot. However, if the wind was only lying to him- No, he thought. The wind would never lie.

When he reached the messengers’ cave and saw there was no one awake, he spread his great wings and took flight, covering the distance to the forest in a mere few minutes.

He could not tell where he was supposed to go, except that the forest called to him in a different manner than the last. There was a small lake ahead to his left with a wayfarer’s cabin and a small stables. He snorted again at the latter. Peasant horses, he thought disgustedly.

However, as superior as he may have felt, he was unprepared for what he might find inside his beloved forestry home.

~*****~

Something small and cold dropped onto Kastia’s forehead. She wiped it off and realized that her hand was now wet. When she went to roll to her side she heard a sudden loud crunch and froze, her eyes flying open.

She was lying on a leafy ground inside of the forest. Looking above her, she noticed an opening in the leafy green through which the sky was still letting loose raindrops. Before she could wonder about how she had gotten here, she heard something approaching from her left. Kastia quickly moved to get up, but the world turned and she fell to her side, knocking the breath out of her lungs.

Someone’s hands grabbed her shoulders from behind and before she could scream a hand clamped over her mouth. She saw the outline of another’s boots to her left. They must have been the ones tramping around, but then who was behind her? Her vision went blurry and she could barely make out three other pairs of boots and legs to her right. One of them moved in front of her as her world spun even faster. Kastia struggled against her captor’s hands, but to no avail, and then panic began to overtake her.

“No. No. No. Princess look at me. Look at me.” It was the man in front of her, wearing one of the royal guard uniforms and kneeling to her level. “Breath in and breath out. No, not like that. We need deep breaths. Come on.”

The hands that had held Kastia had released her and she had fallen onto her back, vision blurry, world spinning, and unable to breathe. Suddenly she felt her stomach notify her that something was going to happen and so she rolled to her side and retched. Unable to hold herself up anymore she lay down again on her back and tried to calm her breathing and to get her body to quit shaking. Someone pushed her up and put a blanket around her shoulders and handed her a wine flask filled with water which her hand promptly dropped to the ground, unable to hold anything.

She felt her mind go black again only to awaken as she was being carried by someone. Too weak to do much, she did her best to hold her head up as she was placed on a bedroll beside a small fire. She couldn’t process anything that went on around her and so she just closed her eyes and waited for the earth to stop moving. At some point, she fell asleep or unconscious, unable to tell the difference as they both covered up minds in darkness.

It was the sudden realization somewhere in the back of her mind that she could be in danger that woke her up. Kastia bolted straight up and flung the blankets off of her. The world was still for now and her sight seemed as perfect as it had always been, but she had caused all of the eyes of the men to fly to her and now she had been spotted. Looking around her, she noticed a pack of horses tied to a tree on her far left. She bolted and they all ran after her, but her intention was not to leave, for surely she’d be caught. No, her attention was something else.

Kastia easily reached the horses before they did and she grabbed the nearest weapon she could find. Yanking the sword out of its saddle sheath, she swung it around to face her captors who now faced her back in a semicircle.

They all wore the royal guard uniforms of black everything except for dark grey boots and sword sheaths. They all had somewhat short brown hair, except for the last man on the right whose hair was black. They all stood open handed, showing that they meant no harm. The man in the middle with a thin line of beard on his bottom jaw and up to his temples, outlining his face, suddenly spoke. “Do you not recognize us Princess?” He asked, taking a small step towards her while still holding his hands out to his sides, almost questioningly.

Kastia steadied her hands on the sword, still pointing it at them, but it shook none the less. She said nothing, only gave a small imperceptible shake of her head. The man spoke again. “Here, perhaps this will help,” he said, striking a pose very much like the way the guards would stand in the shadows. A smile spread across her face as something clicked in the back of Kastia’s mind. She recalled seeing him guarding the throne room doors.

“Damian,” she whispered, very much relieved. However, she dropped the sword and unexpectedly felt her knees weaken and her vision unfocus again. As she began to sag to the ground his arms caught her and held her up while another guard picked her up and carried her back over to the fire where they placed her on a tree stump and wrapped a blanket around her shoulders again.

Kastia gratefully stared into the ever changing and twisting flames as she felt the warmth slowly push its way through her clothes and into her body. The other four guards all settled back into their spots on their own logs and stared into the flames as well while Damian fetched something from his saddlebag and brought it back.

He shoved a wine flask into Kastia’s hands and sat back down across from her, in the middle of his compatriots, again. “Drink,” he said, pointing to what he had given her. “It will make you feel better.” Kastia did as she was told. The liquid felt like freezing ice going down her throat and burning coals in her stomach, but her world seemed to center and her vision become sharper and her body finished thawing out. The tremors that had shook her before were nonexistent now and she gratefully wrapped her hands tighter around the flask.

No one spoke at all and Kastia’s mind had cleared, therefore too many questions waited to be asked, but the guards did not seem inclined to talk at the moment and so she mastered herself and remained silent as she had been taught so long ago.

“Princess,” Damian said, finally breaking the silence and immediately capturing Kastia’s attention. “Do not play the bureaucracy here. We well know that there are many questions you want to ask and here, we expect you to ask them.” He inclined his head towards her and picked up a long stick, stoking the fire.

Kastia shook the hair out of her eyes and leaned forward, still staring into the flames, unsure of what to ask first. “Very well,” she said. “Where are we?”

“Spoken like a true diplomat,” Damian responded. “Not only concerned for herself, but perfectly aware of others as well. We are in the Spiral Forest of the Aged Soldier, the forest which so indolently surrounds our whole country and whose center lies somewhere in the lands of the unknown. We are residing in the very tip of one such tendril that we so gratefully take shelter inside, the one that is looked down upon by the people it protects.”

Kastia blinked a few times while taking in his well educated response before asking another question. “How did I come to be here? I only remember the flash of lightning in the storm and-” she suddenly gasped. Before she could get the word out Damian interrupted.

“Pax is tied with the other horses. We found you where you had fallen off, lying in the mud and pouring rain. We brought you as far into the forest as possible where we stopped to make camp. We did not want you any closer to us or the fire for fear you would have injured yourself if you woke without our notice. We did not want to stay at the lake in case our unusual company be spotted.”

“What time is it now?” She asked, looking up above her at the heavy white sky.

“Not yet noon,” Damian replied.

“Then what are you doing down here?” Kastia questioned

“Now there is the question that I have been waiting for,” Damian said as he stretched his arms behind his head. “We came to warn you.”

“All five of you followed me down here to warn me of something? You couldn’t have just given me a message in the corridors or something?” kastia stammered out in disbelief.

“Princess, you are widely unaware of our world in the castle. There are too many spies and too many things to hear or see what we might have told you then. Also, yes, all five of us had to come down here to warn you of something. One is pathetic, two cannot defend against three, three are suspicious, four cannot defend against five, and five can do almost anything in a small and precise manner,” he said almost indignantly. “Secondly, we did not simply, on a whim, follow you down here. Every action that has happened in the past day and a half was carefully and thoughtfully planned out.”

Kastia was perplexed. “What do you mean by that?” She asked, finally looking Damian in the eyes across the dimming fire. He only met her stare for a second before returning it to the stick in his hand with which he so deftly pushed logs and embers back into their original blazing grace.

“There is never a good place to start with these things, but I shall do my best,” he said, sighing. “To begin, the letter from the Brink Wall yesterday was forged and absolutely fake. The conspirators knew that by presenting the king with that kind of catastrophe that he would send you away and that you would become upset and run off to here like you usually do. Thus, this gives way for the king to declare war on Incardia-”

“Declare war! Why would he do that? We’ve had peace in this land for over three-hundred years and he is choosing to break that?” Kastia exclaimed.

“As I said,” Damian continued. “The letter was forged, the messenger given a hefty bribe, and the plans drawn out carefully. He believes that the Brink Wall was breached and that we have been invaded by Incardia. He sends you out and now you are out of the way. The king is in danger and I can tell you that by midnight tonight he will be dead and the queen will sit on his throne. We had heard of this plan many months ago and finally managed to correlate our duty schedules to allow us to be on break on the same day to warn you. Albeit, we are late and not all things are going as planned, we still may have saved you a bit of time.”

“A bit of time!” Kastia nearly shouted, abruptly standing up in shock. “Someone is going to kill my father and you're saving me ‘a bit of time.’”

“She will kill you if you go back today. She expected you to die in that storm last night.” Damian tried to reason.

“Who is she?” Kastia nearly shouted at him. Damian refused to look her in the eyes, he simply continued to stare down at his own hands and rolled the half burnt stoking stick between his palms. “Answer me,” Kastia demanded, glaring at him while he continued to hold out the oppressive silence.

“It will not do for you to be upset, Kastia,” he said, all manners dropping when he had used her name. “You have fairly asked me a question and I will justly answer it, but if you choose to run from your troubles now, your life will not be the only one put at risk. There are not many ‘shes’ in the government, If you cannot draw those conclusions yourself then I don’t know why we are here.”

Kastia sat down as the realization washed over her. Although her world had stopped spinning, the inner workings of her whole thoughts seemed to come to a halt as it all crashed and burned about her. “Say it,” Kastia demanded of Damian, not wanting to do so herself, unable to accept it. Damian sighed and his fellow guards looked up at him expectantly before he spoke.

“The first and foremost, closest person to the king,” he began, speaking slowly and drawing out every word so that they could not be missed by anyone. “The person that no king can live without,” he continued, throwing his stick into the fire and standing up while Kastia waited, now patiently, for his final words.

Words which were whispered by all five men together, seemingly echoing back and forth within the campsite.

“The queen.”

Comments & reviews · 5
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Let me just start by saying that I completely disagree with everything that RacheDrache said. The "blubber" as she calls it, I feel like complements the story. Without it, reading can be very dry. Really, it's all a matter of opinion, and my opinion is simply different than hers. For a story set in an older time, your style of writing suits it. For modern stories I can see why it may seem a bit much.
Okay moving on.

He had felt a part of energy go out from him; an energy he hadn’t realized he had had or had needed until now.
Something was wrong. The blank existence he had usually felt in the back of his mind had vanished and left him feeling partly empty.

The repetition of the word "had" is very distracting.

“Riderrrr” The wind spoke into his ears,

I think there should be a coma after rider, and lowercase the "t" in "the."

I agree with Sunshine about the repetition of "he" in
However, he could do nothing for he was forbidden to interfere before he was called.


and when the black pegasus took a step backwards an impossibly strong gust of wind shoved him forward and out of the shelter of the trees on the edge of the castle grounds where he was once again standing.

This is a run-on sentence.

When you mention the wayfarer's cabin again, you use the exact same words as the first time it's mentioned. I think it might sound a little better if you used a different word. Because it's an important location without an actual name, it's pretty noticeable and sounds sort of novice, in a way. (that's just my opinion) The readers can figure out that it's the same place.

In the second paragraph of the second section, you repeat the word "leafy."

In the third paragraph of the second section, you say "They must have been the ones tramping around" almost as if you had talked about them before, but you didn't. It's a bit misleading. I went back and reread just to make sure I hadn't missed anything, but it kind of comes out of nowhere, really.

unable to tell the difference as they both covered up minds in darkness. It was the sudden realization somewhere in the back of her mind that she could be in danger

You repeat "mind" here.

Just after that you write "her attention was something else." I think you mean "intention".

As she began to sag to the ground his arms caught her and held her up while another guard picked her up and carried her back over to the fire where they placed her on a tree stump and wrapped a blanket around her shoulders again.

Run-on sentence and you repeat "her" often.

Kastia gratefully stared into the ever changing and twisting flames

You say gratefully here, then again in the next paragraph, and one more time a few paragraphs later. You also repeat the word "inclined" twice right in this same section.

No one spoke at all and Kastia’s mind had cleared, therefore too many questions waited to be asked, but the guards did not seem inclined to talk at the moment and so she mastered herself and remained silent as she had been taught so long ago.

This is really, really long, especially for a stand alone paragraph.

That's most of the nitpicky stuff I found. Now for everything else.

This was a great chapter! Loving the pegasus <3 It's super cool that the wind talks to him, and I'm curious about this "He" that gives him orders, and why they're concerned about Kastia going into the forest. Also, it might just be coincidence but I noticed that the pegasus said something about waiting 300 years in chapter two, and Kastia mentions a peaceful rule of 300 years. I wonder if they have anything to do with each other?
The section concerning Kastia... AMAZING. The way you explain why the men chose to come in a group of five was different, I liked it. And I liked how Kastia feels helpless to save her father.
Okay, and the queen?! Whoa. Plot twist! Lovin it. Totally NOT what I expected. Can't wait to see what that's all about! Alrighty, I'll try to get to your next chapters shortly!
:D
-Hawk out.

Wow okay, totally failed at my job as a writer in cleanliness in this chapter. Dang I needed that. Thank you for nitpicking! I will not be so foolish as I go further XD I can see that it would be distracting and overall sloppy and that I was trying to get grips on how to write what I was thinking of writing. I also, as you could probably tell, have issues with run-on sentences. It's just the way my thoughts work and keep going on, but I will certainly be taking all of your nitpicks and perfecting them.

Thank you for your review again and I am glad you are liking it :)

User avatar
Sunshine1113
Review

Um I wrote this review awhile back and totally forgot to submit it >.> Sorry!

Hello there! Sunshine is here to review! I'm a bit rusty at reviewing but I will try my best to review this. I haven't been following this all along so please bare with me as I attempt to critique.

This was really interesting. There's just a few things that need to be fixed.

You have a tendency to have very long sentences that loose the reader's attention and a few run on sentences. No worries! It's an easy fix!

The blank existence he had usually felt in the back of his mind had vanished and left him feeling partly empty.


left him feeling partly empty is a bit wordy. Maybe leaving an empty feeling.

Rider.


If the character is repeating this to their self then I would put this in italics. It would have a better effect and it seems that this word holds some importance and the italics would emphasize that.

However, he could do nothing for he was forbidden to interfere before he was called.


There are too many "he's" in this sentence. It makes the sentence boring and the reader's eye's glaze over. The rule of thumb is to use no more than 1-2 pronouns in the same sentence. Also this is long and wordy Maybe:

However, he could do nothing. He was forbidden to interfere before being called.

it said, and when the black pegasus took a step backwards an impossibly strong gust of wind shoved him forward and out of the shelter of the trees on the edge of the castle grounds where he was once again standing.


This is a very long sentence that should be broken up into smaller ones. Maybe:

it said. and When the black pegasus took a step backwards. an impossibly strong gust of wind shoved him forward and out of the shelter of the trees on the edge of the castle grounds. Where he was once again standing.

He didn’t worry about the people because none could see him...


"none" should be "no one"

No, he worried only momentarily about the wind’s instructions.


"no" should be italicized if it's a thought.

If He had indeed told him to go then there must be something underfoot.


If He had indeed told him to go, then there must be something underfoot.

No, he thought. The wind would never lie.


"No" should be in italics. "The wind would never lie." should also be in italics if it's a character's thought.

Just an idea, the wind seems to be like a person so maybe make wind a proper noun?

When he reached the messengers’ cave and saw there was no one awake, he spread his great wings and took flight, covering the distance to the forest in a mere few minutes.


When he reached the messengers’ cave and saw there was no one awake, he spread his great wings and took flight. Covering the distance to the forest in a mere few minutes.

and a small stables.


"a small stable" or "and small stables"?

When she went to roll to her side she heard a sudden loud crunch and froze, her eyes flying open.


I think it would be "her eyes flew open."

Kastia struggled against her captor’s hands, but to no avail, and then panic began to overtake her.


I think you could break up this sentence a bit. Maybe "Kastia struggled against her captor’s hands, but to no avail. and then Panic began to overtake her."

“No. No. No.


Those periods should be commas and there should be an exclamation at the end. "No, no, no!"



Unable to hold herself up anymore she lay down again on her back and tried to calm her breathing and to get her body to quit shaking.


This needs a comma. "Unable to hold herself up anymore, she lay down again on her back and tried to calm her breathing and to get her body to quit shaking.

Someone pushed her up and put a blanket around her shoulders and handed her a wine flask filled with water which her hand promptly dropped to the ground, unable to hold anything.


This is really long. You need to break it up. Maybe "Someone pushed her up and put a blanket around her shoulders and handed her a wine flask filled with water. Which her hand promptly dropped to the ground, unable to hold anything.

Kastia easily reached the horses before they did and she grabbed the nearest weapon she could find.


Eliminate that "she". We already know you are referring to Kastia.

The other four guards all settled back into their spots on their own logs and stared into the flames as well while Damian fetched something from his saddlebag and brought it back.


This is a very long sentence. Try to shorten this.

No one spoke at all and Kastia’s mind had cleared, therefore too many questions waited to be asked, but the guards did not seem inclined to talk at the moment and so she mastered herself and remained silent as she had been taught so long ago.


This is long, break it up.

Well thats all I saw for critiques. :) I found this chapter to be very interesting. I liked your plot development. :) You tend to stretch things out longer than they have to be, but it is an easy fix ;)

Keep on writing!

~Sunny

User avatar
Collideascope
Review

Hey,

This is a really fun story, I think you did a great job with it. Of course there is always room for improvement in any story. The first thing I noticed is that you didn't indent any of your paragraphs. It's important to have a well formatted story so it's easier to read. Moving on.

her vision unfocus again.


Here it should be unfocused.

his well educated


A - can be added between well and educated.

kastia stammered out in

The k in kastia's name should be capitalized.

That's all I found. I think you did a really nice job with detail on this story and hope to read more of your work in the future. It's been a pleasure to review this have a nice day.
Sincerely,
Collideascope.

Thank you so much for the wonderful nitpicks! They can be hard to catch... I'm glad you enjoyed it, thanks for stopping by *tips hat*

Happy Writing!

User avatar
RacheDrache
Review

Hey there,

I'm Rachael, a.k.a the Rache Drache, grammar nerd and fantasy buff. I don't review in any typical fashion. Essentially, I am going to ramble at you for the next several minutes of your life. My goal is to help you learn something! (The success, alas, less guaranteed.)

So. The first thing I want to bring up is that your writing itself--all story stuff aside, just looking at straight up word-sentence mechanics--is packing a lot of empty calories. By which I mean your prose is a junk word addict. A very understandable addiction because, let's face it, Cheetos are delicious and soda is wonderful and an extra cube of sugar in your coffee just makes it all the much better.

But, nutritionally speaking, verbal Cheetos and soda and other sources of empty calories do absolutely nothing for the prose except give it blubber and love handles and make it self conscious in a bathing suit. Self-conscious prose avoids pool parties and other social gatherings and otherwise alienates the reader. Not because your reader is a judgmental jerk but because prose that's too busy worrying about its image is not letting loose and having fun.

Trim the excess of your writing. Go right ahead! You don't need to impress anyone. Using fancy schmancy structures and words may seem like the way to write well, especially replicating older-style speech and such, but you don't need to. Stories impress, not overburdened sentences stuffed with fluff.

Examples.

However, he could do nothing for he was forbidden to interfere before he was called.


The tremors that had shook her before were nonexistent now


but she had caused all of the eyes of the men to fly to her and now she had been spotted


I'm not going to tell you how to rewrite these sentences--that's not my MO--but what I recommend is look at the difference between what you've written and what you mean. If she stopped trembling, you can just say that she, you know, "stopped trembling." ;-)

A similar thing goes for your description. More is less. The key to creating clear images for your readers is to pick your details with a discerning attention--or, "Show, don't tell." That's a thing for another day.

Now onto more story-like things. First up, your dialogue. You use your dialogue for exposition, largely, especially once she's awake and talking to the guards. And while that's preferable to bulky paragraphs of prose explaining things, it's a little... convenient. It's more like the character is talking to the reader than talking to another character.

It's okay--good, even--for a reader to have to work to piece things together. They don't need to know everything. Sometimes they don't even need to know anything. Leave pieces of info out that don't make sense for the characters to be talking about. In fact, listening to characters sit around and talk and explain anything isn't exactly riveting for a reader. You can solve that by explaining less and finding a more natural way to get the info the reader.

I'm getting interrupted and so I'll have to leave it here. Let me know if you have any questions!

Rache

Thank for the review! I understand what you are saying about cutting things out. Since this is more of a rough draft at the moment, I feel like throwing more in there is preferable than having to write more in later. As for the "fancy sentences" I enjoy writing in that kind of style (for this novel anyways) but I can definitely see how it can be overwhelming. Thank you so much for pointing this stuff out to me!

Happy Writing!

Thank for the review! I understand what you are saying about cutting things out. Since this is more of a rough draft at the moment, I feel like throwing more in there is preferable than having to write more in later. As for the "fancy sentences" I enjoy writing in that kind of style (for this novel anyways) but I can definitely see how it can be overwhelming. Thank you so much for pointing this stuff out to me!

Happy Writing!



Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
— Ann Landers