CHAPTER 1
“Your Majesty,” the soldier said, bowing breathless to the king. “Word has come from the Brink Wall.” Passing him a sealed letter, the man backed away and straightened his rumpled coat, brushing dust off of his shoulders no doubt collected there from a wild ride. His cropped light brown hair was unkempt and his countenance was strained, as if he wanted to say more but was afraid.
Afraid of what? I wonder. Thought Kastia. Being the heir to the throne she fidgeted in the seat next to the king, doing her best to keep a masked face. However, when her father’s expression darkened as he read the last words of the report, she couldn’t help but let the curiosity show plainly. The soldier fidgeted with the cuffs of his sleeves. One, Kastia noticed, was dripped with red. When the man noticed her stare he quickly crossed his arms, hiding whatever it may have been. She jumped when the king’s voice suddenly filled the throne room.
“Will everyone please excuse us for a moment? I need a private meeting with my advisors,” he said, gesturing towards the doors through which the soldier had only momentarily flown through. Courtiers, ladies, and servants filed through the doors, Only the king’s guards and the soldier remained. He then beckoned the soldier to him, who halted at the foot of the dias. Closer, the man was taller than Kastia had thought, taking away that boyish look she had seen from afar. His arms, forgotten at his sides, drew back Kastia’s attention. It was, in fact, blood on the cuff of his white shirt. Although whether his own or not she couldn’t tell. For his sake she hoped it had not been his. She looked to where his scabbard was and she saw no sword, nor any message satchel with which a dispatched soldier would have rode.
Her attention wandered over the man’s wild look until she realized she had missed part of the conversation that had started. “This,” the king said, lifting up the refolded letter and shaking it. “Could not have come from the Brink Wall.” He steepled his fingers together and looked at the young man with a ferocity Kastia had never seen before.
“Your Majesty, it did. I barely escaped with my life, I had no choice but to flee. When I looked back the wall had been taken and others left the group to pursue me.” The man took a breath, as if trying to steady himself. “My King, those were the last words of my captain written in that letter.” Kastia watched as the man’s hands began to tremble and she suddenly understood whose blood it was on his sleeve. She wanted to embrace him, to let him know that all would be okay in the end, but she could not break the royal bureaucracy and leave her chair, let alone in front of the other advisors, whom she had almost forgotten about.
She glanced down the line to the left of the king. The most elderly, Dhanabir, stared most intently at the man while leaning on his staff which was probably the same age as he. He opened his jaw as if to ask something, then promptly shut it again. He then handed the letter to the advisor next to him having read it already while Kastia was preoccupied in her wandering thoughts. The man who now looked upon the letter was none other than Captain Luke of the King’s Army. His eyes quickly scanned the paper before passing it back to the king who studied its folded edges, pinching it back and forth between his forefinger and thumb.
As the king opened his mouth to speak again, suddenly the throne room doors burst open. The brightness of the outside gardens stunned Kastia and she gripped the edges of her ornate chair.
“Your Highness,” the queen said, hastily bowing before her husband before taking in her surroundings. “I did not receive word of this meeting until now, unfortunately,” she said, the king nodding for her to take her place in Kastia’s chair, who hastily stood to give it over and took a new place slightly behind the king’s shoulder.
As if suddenly remembering she was still there he reached back and patted her hand which rested on his seat. “My dear, I think it best if you leave us for now. These issues should not concern you.”
“Father I--”
“No, do not protest. Please.” He looked up at her, his kingly mask still on, but his eyes told her more and she should have remained quiet but couldn't.
“You always--”
“Silence!” He said harshly. It was enough for her to drop her head in obedience, giving him a short curtsy.
“As you wish, my king,” she said curtly, hastily picking up her skirts and rushing down the aisle. It was as worst an insult as she could’ve said, she had never called him her king. He had never seemed as such to her. He was her father, but it was in these times of desperation that he had always sent her away.
“Kastia!” He called after her, but she simply ducked her head and ran underneath the archway from where guards had opened the doors for her. Blinking in the sudden bright sunlight of the afternoon, she rounded the corner and flew through the garden of roses, the branches reaching out for her skirts. One managed to snag a bit of lace at the fringe of her skirt, but she tugged the dress free and continued to run until she reached the last row of roses and unlocked the wrought iron gate that was even taller than she, connected to a fence that surrounded the gardens. It was more of a delicate wall than a fence in places where jasmine vines had wound themselves up the bars enough to block anyone’s prying gaze.
She shouldered her way through the creaking gate and didn't bother to close it behind her. She ran until the dress shoes she wore rubbed blisters into her feet and then she paused only momentarily to rip them off and tuck them in the roots of a nearby oak tree. She would’ve taken off again but her lungs were aching for air against the corset and so she placed a hand against the tree’s overly large trunk and looked out at the valley below.
There was the busy city, people who looked like ants milled about in the streets and the market as the bells by the sun-god chapel tolled the three-hour. Beyond the city there was the Spiral Forest. It went for leagues to the east, thinning out in the west. However, it was the cliffs just beyond the forest that were still covered in cloaking trees that caught her attention. One could not see what was on the other side, only that it led to a drop off. From Kastia’s vantage she thought she saw a large black horse standing on the very edge of the cliff, his mane possibly blowing in the wind, but she couldn't be sure.
If so, I wonder who’s he is. She thought as she tore her gaze away. Kastia then glanced behind her at the castle and the woods on its other side to ensure she hadn’t been pursued before she continued down the cobblestone walkway to the stables.
Her barefeet enjoyed the touch of the smooth and suntouched rocks and she almost missed the overgrown path that led to the stables and messenger barracks. They were located in a large alcove tucked inside the hill, sheltered from any rain and wind yet still having an amazing view of the valley. The sand and gravels met her toes in a cool embrace and she headed down the winding roadway, intent on her destination.
Rounding the last bend in the pathway that looped into the cave-like structure, Kastia’s ears were met with a loud business that she had not seen down here before. She stood in the mouth of the cave, unsure of what to do. The interesting barracks and stables, made out of the clay of the cave and melding as one to the floors, were no unusual site to Kastia, but the amount of people rushing back and forth inside were. She spotted the captain of this impressive battalion before he passed out several letters to the messengers surrounding him before stepping over to Kastia. “What can I help you with, my lady?” He asked, crossing his arms across his chest.
“A horse, if your please, and preferably one comfortable for bareback,” she said, then quickly added, “if you can spare one, of course. It is looking rather busy in here. Is everyone about to head out?” Over his shoulder were several others who appeared to be waiting on him and even more who rushed around either leading their horses or carrying parcels and tack.
“We are preparing for further instruction from the king. We heard about a messenger from the Brink wall, and those reports are usually never good. If something has happened, any and all messengers will be sent out to the units out on movements and to other messengers to pass along through the other cities as they travel. You can never be too careful these days,” he informed her.
Their conversation was cut short by a high pitched scream. As everyone stopped their work and turned to the source of the noise, a loud booming thunder shook the entire hill side. All at once the horses, following the first one to whom the scream had belonged, stuck their heads out of their stall windows, ears alert and forward. Several became anxious and scraped at the clay walls. The original one who had created the piercing sound paced in his stall, his tail swished out of the window before his face reappeared and he nickered. It was then that his eye caught Kastia’s and he appeared to look straight at her, telling her something, but whatever it was she knew not.
“I believe this storm will be a bad one, my lady,” the captain said, walking past her to the very lip of the cliff. A white flash illuminated the entire cave and the captain turned back to her. “I would advise you to stay, but I know your stubborness and so I will ready your horse,” he said, bowing his head and hurrying off to where the anxious and loud bay paced in his stall. A booming thunder as the one previous followed his footsteps and shook her to her core. She, in turn, shook her head, attempting to rid it of the buzzing but to no avail.
Oh Well. She thought. It is always a good day when one rides.
Stepping out to the lip of the cave she held out her hand and a large raindrop landed in her palm. Especially in the rain. She added, rubbing the pure water in between her fingertips.
At the sound of clip-clopping hooves she turned to find the bay being led to her as promised. “He might be a bit high strung, my lady!” The captain shouted over another clap of thunder at which the horse did a half rear, his eyes white, ears turning to hear the echoing off all of the cave’s crevices.
“I welcome the challenge,” Kastia said, the dryness of the air making her voice sound flat.
“Are you sure you won't be needing a saddle?” He asked apprehensively, handing the reins over. The horse put his head to her shoulder, breathing in the scent of her dress.
“As I said, I welcome the challenge,” she replied, stroking the horse behind the ears, his nervous energy fading away as her touch. “Name?” She asked, glancing at the captain who scratched at the back of his head.
“Tux,” he replied.“I will not be blamed for any injury or death that may occur out there,” he added, raising his voice for others to hear his statement and pointing to the great beyond. Kastia inclined her head to him and then gripped the bay’s neck and swung her leg up over his glossy back, sliding into the comfortable place just behind his withers. Of all of the other horses, he had the best back for riding, albeit, not the greatest energy for it.
“My lady you are wearing no shoes!” the captain exclaimed, wide eyed.
Kastia sighed in return.“Indeed, they grew rather uncomfortable,” she said, looking at and wiggling her freed toes as if for the first time. “However, would you happen to have an extra oilskin coat? I believe it will grow colder once the storm begins,” Kastia said, having had a thought that she might want to take something of protection with her, if it wouldn’t be her shoes. The captain blinked up at her, then shook his head and, with hands on his hips, mumbled something about “pigheaded and foolish” before fetching her a greatcoat with a fur trimmed hood and a leather satchel.
“May as well take some food with you,” he said, indicating the satchel which Kastia deftly swung over her shoulder as she had no saddle to attach it to. “Who knows how bad the storm may be.” He added, patting Tux on the neck before nodding his assent.
“My great appreciations,” Kastia said to him as she nudged the horse to the trail. She would take the one that led to the valley below. A great gust of wind blew her dark hair from her shoulders and she drew the great coat around her. Tux took a hesitant step back but Kastia kicked him forward.
“We are going,” she told him. His ears flicked back and forth, hearing her words, before he picked up her meaning and created a nervous trot down the trail. Kastia glanced back behind her at the shelter of the cave that she was leaving behind and watched as the captain began barking orders at his men once again. She then scratched Tux behind the ears again and fell into a peaceful lull, every so often hearing, more so than feeling, the tap of more and more large raindrops hitting her.
She looked up at the roiling clouds that now blanketed the sky above her. They seemed to boil within themselves and they stretched towards the forest and the mountains beyond. Nearer to the mountaintops, a few rays of sunlight still poked through.
As Kastia and Tux made their way down the last bit of the winding path, the large raindrops ended and a light drizzle began. Once she had angled Tux onto the main traveler’s road she let him have his head and he cantered easily past the many farm homes that lay between her and the city. His seat was smooth and she patted him on the neck.
If he wants me to leave, so I shall leave. Kastia thought, her mind wandering back to where her father sat on his throne. The look in his eyes when he had asked her to leave. Something about it had bothered her, but she did not feel like troubling her mind with it at the moment and so she further loosened her grip on the reins, giving Tux all of his head which he took with glee into a full gallop.
The rain fell harder, became sharper and colder against her face, but she welcomed the pain, the numbness that came with it. As if there were floodgates opening the river of emotions in her mind, the tears she quietly shed were quickly washed away by the rain. The pain of the king’s command, the pain of the merciless court entourage, the decorum, it all bled away with the numbing of the icy rain. Kastia dropped the reins onto Tux’s neck and stretched out her hands like an eagle, gripping hard with her legs and keeping her balance masterfully while embracing the chilling effect of the god-sent-storm. She envisioned that she was flying, high, and away, over the mountaintops and into the sunshine beyond the stormy clouds. But alas! She was not free, nor, she believed, would ever be.
When the horse’s gait began to flag she let him slide by himself into a slower canter and then to an even slower jog which he kept up until they reached the outskirts of the city. Kastia sighed and parted her curly, now wet hair to the front of her shoulders and then drew the hood up over her head. It wouldn’t do to be recognized as the princess and heir to the throne who was riding in the pouring rain.
Tux jogged through a few side streets before Kastia guided him to the main road and around the statue of her father in the center square. She watched as vendors began closing their shops, the fabric of their overhangings dripping water onto a few of their wares. At a fruit vendor, who was just about to pull her overhang down like the others, Kastia halted Tux and slid off of his back, suddenly all too aware of her bare feet as they touched the wet cobblestones.
“Pardon me Miss,” Kastia said, getting the young shopkeeper’s attention while lifting her sodden skirts so she could walk a bit closer. “May I buy a couple of apples?”
The young woman quickly nodded her head. “Take as many as you like,” she said. Then, eyeing Kastia’s bare feet she added. “No need to pay either. If you’re brave enough to be out in this storm then it is most likely no business of mine.” Her eyes trailed up Kastia’s dripping frame to her face, and then with a sharp intake of breath the woman repeated. “Certainly no business of mine,” and hurried to finish putting her other wares inside the building behind her venue while Kastia took three apples and put them in the satchel, noticing a small coin bag, wrapped dried meat and a small chunk of goat cheese within before closing the flap back.
“Thank you for your time. I must be on my way.” Kastia said as she stepped back out from underneath the shelter of the overhang and grabbed the reins of Tux and swung her leg back over his back, this time it was slightly harder with the added weight of the waterlogged dress, but she managed. The young lady waved her goodbye and Kastia turned away, facing into the streaming downpour where sheets of cold water pounded down.
Pulling the hood down further over her head she edged Tux into a soggy jog and kept down the main road for a long time until the cobblestones ended and a muddy wagon-rutted road began. Leading past farms to the Spiral Forest where it cut through the dense woods all the way to the hills and mountains beyond. Kastia had never followed it all of the way through, but she had enjoyed, in times of needing to get away, stopping at a wayfarer’s cabin about a third of the way in. It was easy to find and signs marked the way, but she didn’t feel that that was where her heart was leading her.
To Lake Agir perhaps, it was to the west, placed just where the trees of the Spiral Forest thinned out. It would be a long ride, but if Tux’s spirit was dampened by the downpour he didn’t show it. With a cluck of her tongue and a touch of her wrist, Kastia turned them down a road to the left and he picked up an enjoyable trot. If her memory was correct then it was about five leagues to the lake.
“What do you say Tux?” She asked him. “Think you can make five leagues before night hits?” He bobbed his head in answer and with a small crow hop, quickened his pace into an unflagging canter.
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I finally got around to reading your amazingly, well written book! Sorry for taking forever, especially since you have read pretty well every one of my chapters. I am starting to understand what you mean by show not tell. Whether I can learn to write it is another matter entirely. I honestly have no idea why you are jealous of my plot....this is way better and more interesting than mine. I like how she is so free spirited and stubborn. I wish I had her amazing talent on a horse...especially bareback! That was awesome!
I have absolutely no nit picks...because this is way beyond my talent to nit pick. Loving it!!!
Fire
Well thank you:) I am sure that you can learn to show, it just takes a slightly different thinking, in a way I guess. My work is far from perfect, but I do appreciate the feedback:)
Your welcome! Your work isn't very far from being perfect though. =)
Hey Kelly!
So I got my computer back and I decided to read over this and give you a review.
The first thing I would like to say is that I really liked this chapter. I found just a few mistakes and some run on sentences and a few awkward sounding parts but I enjoyed this. Description an are definitely your strength. I love your use of dialogue in the beginning and your tone is very unique. You use a lot of old language or at least an old proper style that you not only use in your style but also in dialogue. I like that it wasn't too much but that you tied your characters to the setting. Right off the bat, I would suggest splitting this chapter into two parts. When I first saw how long the chapter was, it was a little intimidating. I know that this is how long an actual book chapter should be but many authors on here do a "Chapter 1, part 1\2" and "chapter 2, part 2/2" and so forth.
On to the nitty gritty!
I know you're new to YWS so you wouldn't know how to put this in italics but I'll show you how. You type . Then put her thought after the bracket. Play around with the spacing but I don't know if it makes a difference. Then type after her thought so it does this:
Afraid of what? I wonder
There are a few instances of repetition in your chapter that sound just a bit awkward. This us the first I spotted. Maybe try this "...the branches reaching out for her skirts. One managed to snag a bit of lace at the fringe of her hem" or you could just use fringe. "One managed to snag a bit of lace at the fringe". See?
HAHAHAHA THIS MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD!
Anyway. There were run on sentences that I can't seem to pin point again, but you should be able to just by looking back over this. Here's a hint. If you ever find yourself using the word " and" or "that" more than once, or if you have more than 3 commas, its probably a run on.
Other than that I really enjoyed this and I can't wait for chapter 2! Happy Writing!
XOXO,
Gravity
I'm sorry. With the italics thing it messed up the formatting. You out your words between this thing:
I'm sorry. With the italics thing it messed up the formatting. You out your words between this thing:
kbmcgregor3, hello!!!!!! Welcome to this site, if you need any help ask me! Enjoy your life.
As soon as I looked at this, I was marveling over your description, overused but new, and over your almost unimaginable looks of experience. I loved it, even though I was 1 1/2 sentences into the book. One and one-half, if you can't understand that mixed number. Yet, I focused on one blemish located in a sentence. You need a comma after "shoulders".
"...brushing dust off of his shoulders no doubt collected there from a wild ride."
And this part was straight-out, smack in your face confusing. Put a comma in place of the period after "wonder". And lowercase the t in "thought".
"Afraid of what? I wonder. Thought Kastia."
In this monster, an abundance of "through"s blew my mind, and quite literally I thought of the song "Blow".
"...through which the soldier had only momentarily flown through."
I'm sure this was a definite mistake, but you capitalized something after a comma, which is a gruesome error evened out by joining the Hunger Games.
"...Only the king’s guards..."
Again, capitalization problems. The c in "Could" is lowercase, because in the word in quotation marks before it had a comma after it. Confusing, I know. Long story short, decapitalize it.
"“This,” the king said, lifting up the refolded letter and shaking it. “Could not have come from the Brink Wall.”"
Spacing issue. "Bare" and "feet" should be separated.
"Her barefeet enjoyed the touch..."
You'll know what's wrong here.
"...I wonder who’s he is."
This was an adoring, long piece, and I sorely appreciated it. If you have other mistakes, I apologize for being lazy, it was my doing. I felt fuzzy inside, and this piece was a grand one. Keep writing these amazing stories!
-wisegirl22
Thanks for the review, I copied this in from good drive and when I did all of the italics for thoughts and some of the spaces got messed up, but i had already read this peice too many times through and so, being the lazy person eating dinner on the sofa at the time, I didn't proof read it again. Thank you for the corrections and I will add them to my list.
You're welcome! I'll enjoy reading your works!
Heya! Stella here to review!
Now, to me, this story started out strong. I love an heir to the throne who takes an interest in the throne. I love politics. I loved how you began with this intrigue about what's happening at the Brink Wall - how fascinating!
The story suddenly changes though, with Kastia deciding to leave her father's chamber. At first I found the whole exchange very odd. The King asks all but his advisors to leave, but lets Kastia stay originally. She doesn't even consider going - which suggests that she is usually allowed to stay for such meetings. And then all of a sudden he asks her to leave. But it isn't in an unkind way. I found her reaction incredibly disproportionate to what he asked, but I guess she's a teenage girl and she's allowed to storm out. But then his reaction in return seemed even more inappropriate - kings don't do their family laundry in front of their advisors, his calling after her seemed extremely unlikely in that moment. And then she escalates it further by deciding to run away. And not just run away, but run away, in a storm, without any shoes.
Essentially I found the story more and more unlikely - and Kastia regrettably more and more unlikable - as we went on. I liked her at the beginning - how observant and thoughtful she seemed, and then all of a sudden things went downhill for me, I'm afraid. I think the main reason is that you're not giving us any reason to empathise with her. You immediately make her a little bit of a special snowflake - she's going to ride bareback for five leagues without shoes. No one sensible would do that - and if she survives without getting hypothermia and massive blisters all up and down her thighs, well, quite honestly I'd be a bit annoyed. (Also on another note - why doesn't she have her own horse? She's a princess!)
I think that really, if you want us to go along with what she's doing, you have to give us better reason, and you have to give us her thought process. "I'll show him!" is never really anybody's complete thoughts on a thought about vengeance or getting someone back for something. I just think it needs to be calculated a bit more, but most importantly, you need to put it down on the page, and you need the series of events to follow some sort of logic.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Yes, yes, I know, her stupidity is going to be deleted and rewritten. I've already replanned and everything, I just haven't had the time to revise it. I've also been trying desperately to better connect my characters and the empathy around them. It seems I have a lot of work to do, but thank you so much for the review, it has some very good views.
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
I just had to review!

XD I was scrolling through and saw the title, and BOOM. I.WAS.HOOKED!
Hmmm, I can definitely say that Kastia is now a favorite of mine, for female characters. She has so much dry humor to her, and seems to have a bit of personality, that is so becoming! She's seemed so witty, yet tough, at times, and I ALWAYS appreciate a good strong character like that. One thing, I really am curious about, is why her father sent her out of the room. I'm almost assuming this Brink Wall has something to do with her inheritance, but that's just me guessing cause I'm so bloody curious! XD
Oh, and speaking of which... this Brink Wall? What exactly is it? I'm thinking it's something bad, or at least something that is not generally spoken of, but I couldn't be completely sure, really. And it just had this level of mystery to it, that I just adore!
Alright, all the words in red, are the redundant ones. One thing about redundancy, is that you'll usually always have it when you first start writing. Usually. I mean, I did, and about everybody I know did. Grr, it's hard, I'll tell you that much! The best way to get rid of it, is to read the piece aloud to yourself and the redundancy will come out and you'll just HEAR IT. Also, experience helps a bit in getting rid of it. XD Which is why I still have problems with it, so you're doing pretty awesome in my opinion.
OK, would appreciate a little more character development with the King here. One thing I've always found a way to fall back on, is creating an example of what do I think my character's are like. In order to create a fully rounded character, you have to know what they will do in certain circumstances. For Kastia, I think you did a good job. But the King I'm not so sure really. He seems rather distant, and that can be easily fixed through more thought process towards his character, THROUGH Kastia.
For example: One of your characters finds a helpless starving infant on the side of the street, alone. What would this character do? Leave it, or take care of it?
Dumb example I know, but it's one of the ones that I fall back on, in times of necessity. So try and create different situations for your characters, and then try and imagine what each and every character would do in them. And make sure that in later chapters, you do some in-depth character development for the King. (I'm just rambling on and on about him, aren't I?)
OK, one of my pet peeves is paragraphing. And it's gotta be perfect, let me tell you that! Kay, so I put in bold where I thought you should split this paragraph, but I'm using this paragraph as an example. The rest of the work needs a look over in paragraphing, mostly.
So the way I've always heard it, is that one paragraph equals one idea!
If you want to draw attention to a certain word or phrase, then use italics. Quotation marks stick out too much, and aren't exactly grammatically correct.
Alright, one more thing before I go.
I thought there could be a little more referencing towards the people surrounding her, when she's talking to the guy who handed her the horse. I mean, you mentioned it a couple times in the beginning, but towards the end I was getting the feeling that they were both standing off in some little shed talking. So, just one or two sentences every now and then would be appreciated!
Thanks for the stunning read and keep writing!
~Cricket
Thanks for the wonderful review! I used to paragraph space a ton, but I've started combining a but more, your "one idea per paragraph" thing is a cool idea. I was planning on building up the king and his court in the coming chapters, but I can see I should allude a bit more.
Hi there!
Aw man, that title! You've got me hooked already! ^_^
I really appreciate the way that you describe the way the soldier said this line. However, you could've worded it a bit different in order to have it make just a bit more sense. Rearranging the words in the dialogue tag does the trick. You can say this instead: "the soldier said breathlessly, bowing to the king". It's just something small, but it makes the sentence so much easier to understand.
So I used to do the same thing when I first started out writing; I would just throw characters thoughts in there and not doing anything to them to really make them stick out. But once I joined this site, I learned a lot, and one of things I learned was that character's thoughts should be in italics. That way they stand out from the rest of the dialogue and the rest of the story. You want to make sure to keep the dialogue tag when you do this, of course. In this case here, italicize "Afraid of what? I wonder" and keep "Thought Kastia" the same. Speaking of that, I LOVE the name Kastia. It's so pretty!
I really like Kastia's character. We really haven't had much time to meet her and get to know her yet, since it's the first chapter, but I like the way you portray her in this chapter. Especially the way she feels compassion towards the guard. She's royalty; she doesn't have to feel bad for those underneath her. They are there to serve her. Yet she finds herself wishing that she could do something to make it all better. And she's so concerned about the blood on the cuff of that soldier. It definitely makes her a relatable character. I may not be royalty, but I can make sense out of the fact that she feels compassion towards the guard. I'd be the same way.
So, I'm not usually one to harp on grammar, but I'm going to mention this point here. You don't need the commas in this sentence. Those commas suggest something that doesn't really need to be there, but you thought you'd add it. The sentence would look awfully weird if it said "The most elderly stared most intently at the man", wouldn't it
Keeping with that same quote I pulled out, you use the word 'most' here twice. Repetition like that works sometimes, but other times it just becomes repetitive (wow, that was a great description of why there should be only one 'only' in that sentence *facepalm*). Make sure to stay away from that in the future. Sometimes it's tough though. I know that most people that review my writing tend to point that out, how I use the same words more than once in a sentence or over the course of a few sentences. Just try hard to stay away from it
You kind of let this idea just hang out there. What I mean by that is, you don't expand on it. This here is a golden opportunity to showcase the king's personality and the way he reacts in a time of crisis. How exactly does he know that the letter couldn't have come from the Brink Wall? Was there a clue hidden in the words of the letter or in the handwriting? Was there an absence of blood and soot on the letter that should've been there since it came from a war zone? I just feel that you could've done a bit more with this. Then again, maybe he doesn't want to say in front of his daughter, which is why he asks Kastia to leave the room. Either way, I'm very interested to know why he thought it didn't come from the Brink Wall.
While I appreciate this little bit of information about Kastia's personality, I would've rather liked to have figured it out by myself. What I mean by that is, I would've like to have seen a scene where she argued with the messenger, demanding that she get a horse. Then he could not argue back because he knew it was pointless. That would also be a good way to explain how stubborn Kastia is.
You have great imagery in here. I was impressed to see the descriptions fitting in so smoothly with the rest of the story. It's a seamless transition, moving from the events of the story to the description of the surrounding setting. As you know, descriptions and imagery is quite important. But it's even more important when you have a new world that you've created, which is what you have here. You've done a great job introducing this world to us.
I have to say, I really quite enjoyed reading this! I'm impressed with the strong voice that this chapter presents. It stayed very consistent throughout. There wasn't a time when the voice changed or when the flow broke. Overall it went along very smoothly.
Let me know when the next chapter is out! I'll be happy to come back and read more
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you so much for your review, I had actually paused in my writing for a while and was feeling very down on it. You've renewed my spirit and given me a few more ideas, thank you:) the only thing I should say is that I had the thoughts for Kastia in italics and when I pasted it in from google drive (where I usually write) it didn't copy over but I didn't check, and that was my mistake... Again, thank you, your insight has been so helpful!
Ah, I understand about the italics. That's happened to be before. I feel your pain.
Hey! Got both chapters 2 and 3 out now
Sorry, I know its been a long time...
The first sentence works pretty well, I think. It tells us what we need to know about setting—we’re talking to a king—and it has a sense of urgency from the breathless soldier and word coming from whatever the Brink Wall is. (And “Brink” is a good name for it, too, because on the brink of what?) However, the rest of the paragraph doesn’t really live up to the first sentence. It’s bogged down with physical descriptions that we don’t really need, and it seems to lack the emotion of the first sentence. Since he’s afraid, you could focus instead on how his hands shake when he hands over the letter, or how his glazed eyes revealed his terror, or something.
Kastia’s internal thoughts need to be better marked. That’s a formatting thing, really, but something as simple as italicizing them would make them read a lot better.
As with the first paragraph, Kastia’s observation of the soldier feels kind of flat to me. Like, I can get a sense of what she’s doing, but I don’t have a feel for what it’s like in her mind, or what she’s feeling—you’ve told me that she’s curious, but the narration feels more bored or vaguely interested than curious and on edge. This is a trend throughout the whole piece; your descriptive passages feel very dry and emotionless. The details are precise, and I can follow what’s going on physically, but I feel blocked out of the characters’ heads—and therefore disengaged from them.
So, infuse your prose with emotion. Third person doesn’t mean you have to be a fly on the wall—you can sit as close to your POV character’s thoughts as you want to. Instead of “One, Kastia noticed, was dripped with red. When the man noticed her stare he quickly crossed his arms, hiding whatever it may have been.” you could write “Blood stained the soldier’s sleeve. His? Another soldier’s? What could have driven him here from the Brink Wall in such haste that he didn’t even have time to change his shirt? Kastia’s stomach churned as he caught her looking and hid it by crossing his arms.”
Obviously, that’s not the best, but you get the idea—you can filter your third person prose through the lens of Kastia’s assumptions and feelings just like you can in first person.
“Will everyone please excuse us for a moment?” No. Dude is a king surrounded by his own court. He doesn’t have to ask nicely for them to do things. He doesn’t have to ask at all. He’s obviously just been handed some very bad news. If he wants to dismiss everyone, he shouldn’t ask—he should just dismiss him. They don’t need to know why. He’s the KING.
I’m curious about what the Brink Wall is, and why the king doesn’t believe that the message is real. From context, I’m guessing that it was meant to defend this kingdom from a neighboring country, but that doesn’t explain why the king rejects the possibility that it might have fallen out of hand, so I assume there’s something further going on here. I’m also wondering if the soldier who delivered the message is a spy or traitor or otherwise up to something.
Also, why did Kastia get kicked out? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a legit narrative choice, but I’m curious. Is she not the heir to the throne? How are women treated in general in this society—are they sheltered from the unpleasantries of war as a matter of course, or is this just a matter of the king coddling his daughter?
The passage in which Kastia goes to the barracks really suffers from flat prose. It was difficult for me to get through because it felt like Kastia was more like a camera roving around and recording her surroundings than an actual character. I want to see less of her surroundings and more of HER and how her surroundings influence her, if that makes sense.
Riding an unfamiliar, high-strung horse out into the middle of a brewing storm, bareback, sounds like a really, really stupid idea to me. And I have NO idea why Kastia is doing it, which makes me think she’s just an idiot. If you want to keep this part, I would strongly recommend you make her motivations clear and compelling. What she’s doing is super dangerous, especially considering there’s a war on and the enemy has apparently just made a huge and successful offensive strike, AND she’s been advised not to go out. Since she does it anyway, she’d better have a damn good reason for it, and as a reader I need to know what that reason is.
When you do tell us, the reason falls kind of flat. Like, really? Her father kicked her out of an important war meeting for unknown reasons, so she’s going to put her life seriously at risk by running away in the most dangerous way possible? That… does not give me a good opinion of her. At all. She seems like kind of a brat, honestly.
Now, if you found a way to make it clear that this is something she faces ALL THE TIME, like her father is constantly dismissing or ignoring her or treating her like so much dirt to be wiped off his shoes, and that this incident was the final straw so now she’s going to go out and do something USEFUL besides sitting around being a good demur little princess like the king wants, that would be another thing entirely. That would make her seem immensely sympathetic, at the end of her rope and desperate for her life to actually mean something. Infusing the narration with more emotion and more of Kastia’s thoughts and feelings would go a long way to getting that across.
And a final, nitpicky note: If Kastia wants to travel five leagues on horseback in a few hours, she’s really better off sticking to a trot. A canter is faster but not as sustainable; depending on the horse’s build and fitness, a horse will get fatigued after anywhere from one to three miles, whereas it can trot much, much longer without too much trouble. And that’s assuming ideal conditions, which these are not. So, if five leagues is about twenty miles, and we assume that this horse trots at the average speed of 8-9 mph, at a steady trot Kastia could get to the lake in two to three hours, maybe longer taking into consideration the storm and any rough terrain. With a canter and a small horse in top form, she might be able to get to the lake in less than two hours—but she’d be arriving with an exhausted horse, which is less than ideal.
You’ve got a good foundation here. I’m really curious about what the deal is with the Brink Wall, and even though I don’t like Kastia very much, I think she’s got the potential to be a great character with some more polish.
Thank you for your insight, it's nice to finally hear more critical thoughts for a change (really, it's refreshing). I'm sorry that you didn't connect with Kastia as much, but I can see how it would sound like a camera just roving around. I will do my best to tweek it.