Young Writers Society

Well... Oh. I was not expecting that. I was reading and thinking oh it could lead to something and then that. I think you did a good job, but you are right you could add more. I have a question that might seem kind of dumb. Why would she just pick up a gun after hearing a sound? I don't think I would, but I guess curiosity killed the cat haha. Anyways I want more, I really really do. More back ground. I want to know if the sound was real, or maybe just in her head? I need to know. I think you did a good job though, you got me hooked and that's not easy. Keep up the good work. I really hope to see more of this.

*hugs*

Hi there!

Short works are always fun to write. At least I think so. There's so much you can pack into so little words to create a lasting impression. You've definitely got the right pieces to make this successful. You've narrowed down the field so you're only focusing on this one moment, you have a character that's not worth taking the time to name, making us really focus on the surroundings and the narration in order to figure her out. You rationed the words well so we get the story in its most concise form. The story works. And by the end I realized it's a tale worth telling. That's something I always look for by the end of a short story, particularly the ones on the shorter side.

I only have two things I want to mention about this piece. One is more of a personal preference while the other is constructive. I think I'll start with the preference one.

The onomatopoeia gives the story that something extra. Personally I'm not much of a fan for it, but when I read it through the second time I realized the story wouldn't work without it. The sound is being described sure, but seeing the sounds spelled out adds to what we envision it to be. Or sound like. Whatever. Anyway. If the noises were separate from the narration I think they'd have more of an effect on the reader. For example:

It was a light tapping, like a fingernail softly tapping on a glass pitcher. And no matter where she went, it followed her. With each room she entered, it persisted.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

A steady, constant rhythm that drove itself deep within the recesses of her mind, until it overwhelmed and drove out every other sound.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

The noise grew louder inside her mind.

Heya Infinite,

Thanks for requesting a review! Critique sandwich time! Hope you find it tasty ^^

1. What did I like about this piece?
> You conveyed the sense of panic and desperation well in the three paragraphs written and it was an interesting exploration of sound.

> The description of the sound and what she likened it to was nicely written and helped the reader connect to the sounds.

2. What specific points need improvement?
> If you want to extend this piece (not sure if you were limiting yourself to a word count?), you could omit "middle of the night" and describe the hour through inferences. Like "her eyes adjusted to the darkness" etc.

> The pistol out of her nightstand at the sound of a noise is a little extreme. Obviously the pistol is necessary to advance the plot/end the story, but I feel as if resorting to a pistol straight away as soon as she awoke is too much.

> Searching the whole house in one sentence leaves a lot of build-up out. For example:

Tap. In the bathroom. Tap. In the kitchen. Tap. In the garage. The gentle tapping haunted her from room to room.

> "recesses of her mind" - "inside her mind" ... The repetition of "mind" here is a little jarring, perhaps you can think of something else.

> Think of how you can add even more description/feeling/vividness by replacing mundane words or actions. Instead of "drove out", what about "banished"? Instead of noise/sound, what about cacophony?

> "Driven mad" - this is obviously hyperbole here, but could you you heighten or lessen it to make it more impactful?

> Where did she find the earplugs? Was she fumbling in a drawer for them? Were they near some power tools?

> "until she felt her head would explode" ... how so? Like a pressure building up? Like a kettle whistling to boil? Show us, don't tell us!

> Try getting rid of "she" and "the" as sentence starters. You'll find the sentences will be more creative.

> Does she feel any pain at all during this?

3. What are my concluding thoughts?
> I thought this was a solid piece of work. I find it so difficult to write short stories and I want to elaborate, elaborate, elaborate! I liked the variation of sentence structure and length and overall, this was a good short read. It sort of seems too extreme to commit suicide over a sound, so I guess I wasn't given enough of an impression of how overpowering/terrifying/awful the sound was. Chinese water torture can render a person insane - I imagine this is much the same. But Chinese water torture occurs over a very extended period of time, whereas the build-up here was too short to realistically drive someone insane.

Hope this review helped somewhat! Please don't hesitate to request a rereview if you happen to update the piece

All the best,
Jai

Wow, gruesome! Keepwriting here. I liked this actually! It was a bit dark... maybe really dark but I liked it... don't ask me why. I'm not sure. Anyway, review time!

The tapping continued to grow louder. And louder. And louder, until she felt her head would explode.

The sound had evolved from tapping on glass to whacking a desk with a meter stick. Over. And over. And over.

And then silence. Silence at last.

Huh. Well, that wasn't dark at all. *Obvious sarcasm is obvious*
So, I saw that you said that this could use some improvement--but I feel that this is just fine as it is.
I myself have had an odd problem like this at night--I hear an incessant beeping. Though I haven't committed suicide over it--you can tell because I'm writing this review, happy, healthy and eating a cinnamon roll--but I will admit, it does terrify me at night. (I'm actually gaining a sense of paranoia.)
If you want to bulk it up, you could try making her find a source of the tapping during a second sweep of the house or show us more attempts at making the tapping stop.
You could also add another sound, a "thump thump thump" that she could realize is her frantic heartbeat.
Other than that? I can't really think of many things to improve this, as it's great the way it is. You don't really have grammatical errors, this isn't the kind of story where you need to describe her surroundings and it would ruin the feeling if you gave our protagonist a name. Good job!