The boy awoke from his slumber. He solemnly raised up from his bed to glare at the passive sun staring at him. Off he rolled from the poorly constructed wooden bed. As his feet touched the surface he proceeded to follow the usual morning routine. Doubt, concern, uncertainty and prayer. The boy dragged his feet towards the vacant door, past the vacant door the next room became more and more visible, as he traveled closer he began to identify the strangers in the room. The strangers that he once knew. His mother continued her fascination with the square tiled floor, as she continued to stare at it. The boy's father, sat at the kitchen table, head into his arms surrounded by spoiled milk that had stayed out for so long that it turned crimson red. The milk continuously dripped from his father's face like a leaky faucet, out onto the stained table. It's not as bad as yesterday, thought the 12 year old boy. The boy continued to travel through the quiet kitchen, avoiding the pieces of glass waiting for him. The boy quickly made his way through the field of glass, past the smash counter-top, past the rusted sink, and finally past the door that led to the dusty lifeless landscape that laid out before him. As the boy stepped out, he grabbed the rag of clothing hanging from the roof, which was low enough for him to reach and wrap around his naked caramel colored body. The boy proceeded to walk towards the forest, but not before he grabbed the hidden machete under the thin layer of sand. The boy hid the rusted machete under his rags and clipped it to the make shift pocket he specifically created for it.
The boy looked ahead and made his way to the forest.
The boy had begun his hunt.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Heyo, Subtle here for a review! I'm no expert on novels or anything, so I will apologize for any mistakes I make during is review. I'm going to start off with a summary on the characters and plot, and then point out some minor spelling and grammar.
This is an interesting shirt story, granted. I think you can go a long way with this if you wanted to turn it into a novel, the boy I feel you have intentionally hidden his name from us and us creating suspense. So, the boy is simply the boy and nothing else. Your description are very simple and althought they are not overtly description,vthey do paint a very acute image in the reader's mind.
The style in which you have chosen to write this also interest me, is a very meticulous way to go about something, some might call this essay style but rather than that, I believe using this sort of style can achieve a different sort of atmosphere than the usual stories. In this chapter, everything seems to be happening in a robotic, strict and predicted manner, creating an austere and ominous atmosphere. But there is a disadvantage to this style, it limits your use of showing. To some readers, it will seem like as if you're just narrating the story the whole way through. I'm sure you know the golden rule of creative writing, show don't tell. So, I guess you can weave some more descriptions and figurative language to portrait emotions rather than narrating things out. Like where the boy is going, and what he is going to do.
So, I will give you what I know about telling and not showing. I noticed your use of 'to do something' which is definitely telling the readers. So try to avoid using sequential words, I can see that you know how to use metaphors, interesting metaphors. Like the part about the father's blood being milk, I assume, though I will say frankly it was a bit confusing.
So overall, look at the typos Birkhoff pointed out and try and show us what's going on instead of tee.ing. But overall, this story has great potential so please, keep writing!
-S.s
Hello, there! Here to review!
Birkhoff did a pretty thorough job of pointing out all the grammatical errors, so I'm going to focus on the content.
For a prologue, this doesn't seem to be leading up to any plot. The beginning of a story is so important. It's what draws readers in, but I just wasn't very drawn in by this. Maybe try to make it move a bit quicker. Spend less time describing his morning routine. As the previous reviewer said, paragraph breaks will make it much easier to read. Give us a little bit more information about what he's hunting. I'm not quite sure what the plot of this story is. I think a prologue should have a bit more information. You could definitely benefit from some proofreading.
Don't be discouraged by this review, though. Despite the need for editing, I am curious about what the hunt is, and what will become of the boy (will he ever get a name?). It's worth expanding, the prologue just needs to be more enticing. Keep it up!
Hey Imaginator!
I'll be doing a short review here. When you say short story, you really mean it. This is pretty short.
Well, while reading through this, it got pretty interesting and I definately got curious as to how this would conclude. And, I didn't really get any answers. Seeing as it's tagged as a short story I guess I'm a bit disappointed that it doesn't have any sort of satisfying conclusion.
I suppose you wrote this because you had a plot idea and wondered about turning it into a novel, as you asked opinions on. And well, I guess I would like to see more of it, at least to figure out what is going on. Because as of now, I have no idea. I'm not even sure what kind of story this is. It certainly doesn't help that you didn't tag this to any genre.
As far as I can tell, the story seems to revolve around this kid, who might have killed his parents? And he's not going out into the world...ready for his hunt?
I'd say it's something you should try to expand on. I'd be interested in reading more at least.
As for your writing itself in this short, it's decent. Even though this is almost just one scene you write, you convey it pretty well. There are a couple of good images in there and I found little to no typos. Good!
However, that doesn't mean I found no grammatical errors though. Because I did. What repeated throughout the entire piece was issues with commas, a few run on sentences and of course the fact that this is a giant wall of text. I'd break this up into a couple of paragraphs. Right now it looks like a mess.
Alright, I'll quickly go over a few:
Your opening lines are a bit stunted. Not too much, but they're still a bit short and choppy. I might have combined this line with another.
Repeated 'vacant' twice in a row here.
Edit
Replaced the comma with an 'and'.
Edit
Removed the comma. Unnecessary.
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Dropped the first comma.
I'm not sure I completely get the part about the spoiled milk. I get that the father's blood has mixed with it, causing it to turn crimson red. But milk is also dripping from his face? I'm not sure how to picture this scene. And if it's been like this for a while; 'It's not as bad as yesterday', then I don't think it would still be dripping.
Edit
Edit
Added a comma.
Edit
Edit
One word.
Alright, that's pretty much all I can say about this piece. I'm interested by it so far, so please, expand on it. I want to know more!
Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff