Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Levi, stood there, soaking in the confusion and loss. Barefooted, he walked over his fathers body, stepping on his warm blood which washed over his feet as he continued to make his way quietly to the entrance of the hut. Levi looked out to see men face down in the grass. Unmoving. He looked around to see his mother next to unknown face both laying on the ground. She was dead. Her eyes were open and mouth agape. Levi vomited and watched his parts of himself slipped and oozed down on the grass, letting it simmer in the hot sun and slowly disperse itself among its surroundings. He looked up to see one man staring at him. Heavily wrapped in strange clothing he hid himself behind a mask that had a grotesque facial expression, one side smiling and one side frowning. The man took a step forward. Levi stood there. Unmoving, not sure what emotion was strong enough to cripple his movement and sense except sight. He was paralyzed. Just the man’s presence caused great distress. The feeling of numbness reigned down like droplets of water and with each drop came the acknowledgement of impending death. Levi at the age of 7 felt true fear and hopelessness. Just from this one man standing a few feet away from him. The man took his step back and walked silently away, he retreated back into the forest. As he left the atmosphere of pure death followed him.
Levi dropped to his knees and breathed. And with the man’s exit, he was finally allowed to weep for his loss.
Levi’s eyes opened and felt immediate pain, everywhere. His skin felt as if it was pulled back and held sewed together to the lower part of his body, He moved and felt his own flesh rip as his blood rushed to escape from his body.
He screamed.
And screamed.
Until his voice had completely died
He screamed again,
but nothing came out.
He kept on screaming but not for pain.
He screamed as flashbacks of Leo raced through his mind.
Memories of their training,
memories of him living
memories of his death.
memories of the fire
memories of his death
memories of his death in the fire
memories of his shadow running around in the fire,
memories of seeing nothing in the fire.
memories of his death
memories of death
death.
With every memory there was a non existent scream.
After his memories had finished torturing him, he realized a woman sitting next to his bed side, staring intensely at him. Her eyes of ambiguity staring at his vulnerable state.
It irritated Levi.
“What?” Snapped Levi.
Her expression changed to one of happiness.
She smiled as she said
“Is that how you greet someone you’ve never met?” Her voice floated around the sultry hot atmosphere, dissolving into the hot air. Adding a soft cool breeze. To the intense heat of the sun.
Levi, sneered and spat back
“Is staring at someone you’ve never met the correct way to greet them?”
She laughed
“Well I would have greeted you more formally but I got well acquainted with you earlier on
“What do you mean by that?”
“How do you think you got in those bandages.”
Levi delved into his humiliation after he realized the weight of that statement. He revelled in his quiet embarrassment. And stayed silent as the woman continued to babble on about her unimportant desires.
“The names Lucy,” heard Levi, as she continued her onslaught of words. He stared at her with disinterested eyes, in aid of signaling her to stop talking. It was to no avail since she continued to talk about herself and part of the community and area he lived in.
Through the war of words he learned that the area he was in was a secret village, specifically made for avoiding bandits. It had no name, and was bountiful in resources as the founder of the village had found a hidden gem of land.
That was the only valuable information she had relayed out to him throughout their one sided conversation.
Through his shifty movements, she sensed the discomfort he had through hearing her voice.
Realizing his discomfort, she raised herself up, inducing the view through the small window, which allowed her to gaze into the furious sun as its intense sultry heat reflected into the room and exposed the sweat marks and stains suddenly expanding on Leo’s clothing. The sun’s fiery heat was strong enough to make the woman unconsciously gravitate towards the door. With every second, a small fiber of her clothes clung onto her skin. The fabric integrating and mingling with the sweat slathered on her skin. She quickly left as the majority of her skin was painted in sweat and he clothes began to open up to pour out the deeply planted up sweat.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi there! Happy Review Day!
First off, like the reviewer below me, I'm a bit confused at the first paragraph. There's not reason at all for it to be in italics, and it was just a bit confusing with the man. However, I loved the imagery you wrote in it - it was vivid and clear. There was imagery, but no emotion though. When I read it, I honestly did not much sadness and pity for Levi's loss at all. The emotion was conveyed properly, and I think it could've been done better. There was some, of course, but it didn't feel true, and well, young . Again, like the reviewer below me, young kids have such a different perception of the world, which means if you're writing with a little kid, you need to put in that kid oomph. They're still naive, they're not super smart, so you need to make sure your character is like that too.
Now that that's clear, nitpick/dialogue explanation.
Period at the end.
The s needs to be lowercase.
Why aren't these at the same line? There's no need for the line break. It just adds an unneccassary space in between writing. When writing dialogue, the only time you click that "enter" button is when a new person is talking. I think this article can help you with that: http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blo ... gue-part-i
Mostly, that's it for nitpicks, I think you could just improve greatly on writing dialogue.
Last thing I'm going to mention - the ending seems a bit too abrupt. It just... ends. Even in an action/thriller/mystery story, you need a smooth ending. Sure, it could be a cliffhanger, but it needs to be smooth and end in a good flowing manner.
I think that's it! Keep writing, this story has lots of potential, just a few tweaks and fixes and it could be awesome
~ EternalRain
Why is the first paragraph in italics?
The first paragraph is a little confusing. Who is the mysterious man at the end? Is it intended to be death, and is it all in his mind? You should probably clear that up.
Levi at the age of 7 felt true fear and hopelessness.
At the age of 7. 7 years old feel fear and terror in a different way. And when they live in it, something amazing happens. They shut it out. That's just from my own experiences. Kids manage to be ignorant of certain horrors for the sake of their own joy, and they do it effortlessly.
He screamed.
And screamed.
Until his voice had completely died
He screamed again,
but nothing came out.
He kept on screaming but not for pain.
He screamed as flashbacks of Leo raced through his mind.
Memories of their training,
memories of him living
memories of his death.
memories of the fire
memories of his death
memories of his death in the fire
memories of his shadow running around in the fire,
memories of seeing nothing in the fire.
memories of his death
memories of death
death.
This is cheating. You can't do that in a story, there are certain rules to writing. And I'd say that this is one of them. It's also a great example of telling and not showing. Bring us into the story, and when you do something like this a reader is going to make assumptions. They aren't going to stand in awe of this new form. They're going to feel out of it, because death is a certain way. And it's not like this.
After his memories had finished torturing him, he realized a woman sitting next to his bed side, staring intensely at him. Her eyes of ambiguity staring at his vulnerable state.
He just realized this woman out of the blue. You also say after his memories had finished torturing him. You didn't actually share any memories. Except maybe that first paragraph. Those lines were just lines, and it's hard to feel what he's feeling and then feel like they tortured him.
The woman is likable. And showing your character react badly to her is good. I really appreciated that. It was honest for the character. And it was enjoyable to read.
Realizing his discomfort, she raised herself up, inducing the view through the small window, which allowed her to gaze into the furious sun as its intense sultry heat reflected into the room and exposed the sweat marks and stains suddenly expanding on Leo’s clothing. The sun’s fiery heat was strong enough to make the woman unconsciously gravitate towards the door. With every second, a small fiber of her clothes clung onto her skin. The fabric integrating and mingling with the sweat slathered on her skin. She quickly left as the majority of her skin was painted in sweat and he clothes began to open up to pour out the deeply planted up sweat.
This whole paragraph is a cipher. And that's not a good thing. I know you want to to go into description and pour out your heart in these images. It's just too dramatic, and I had no idea what was going on. I just understood there was a lot of sweat. Someone was sweating, I think the woman or both of them. And a window. I thought they were in a tent for some reason.
I guess that means you should set the scene better. I didn't know where he was. And I still don't know but I know there's a window, and sweat.
What happened to the other stranger/villager. I liked him.