Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
It was only mere minutes into the conversation, and it already felt like it ran its time.
I sighed, “Well, Ms. Scarlett, I appreciate your concern over your cousin, but I don’t exactly know if I can do anything now. He’s already being sent here, and I cannot do much with everything already being planned out for him.”
“I get it, doctor, thank you anyways.”
“Alright, you're welcome, Ms. Scarlett,” I stood up from my desk, giving her a small nod. She stood as well, and we made our way to the door.
“And if you have any more questions or concerns, simply feel free to ask me.” All she did was give a small ‘mhm’ in response. She kept her head low and glanced around in her usual nervous manner; occasionally fiddling with her shirt. I reached out for the handle, about to open it, but then I felt it. A sharp, twisting pain in my stomach, felt by another, and another. I was shoved backwards into the wall, and I saw it. She had a knife on her; and my blood was already on it. Again, and again, and again, a sharp searing pain, then a punch to the ground. I tried to grab at the knife, toss her off, but it wound seep deeper into my torso.
Every little stake, I felt it’s burning response. Again, and again, and again. I could feel my clothes stick to me as blood seeped out, and the burn, the sting. My vision blurred as she poked and prodded. But then she slowed, then she stopped. A bliss before a pain filled reminder. She stood, looking down at me with satisfaction. That was it, that was her job, wasn’t it? I glimpsed at her cleaning the knife with a cloth, then slamming the door shut. All I heard was her distant footsteps.
I felt everything. I groaned before holding my breath and rolling over onto my stomach.
Searing, sharpened pain shot all throughout my body. My head. My hands. My legs. My eyes. I shrieked without a thought; it was too much to bear. But I tried to crawl closer to the door. My vision worsened. My pain screaming with each desperate crawl.
I can make it.
I thought. I can feel my breathing slow.
I can make it.
I thought. I can feel my heart slow.
I can make it.
I thought. I can feel my blood pour around me.
I can make it.
I thought. I can see my crimson hand. I can see the crimson floor.
I can make it.
I thought. I can see everything darken…
I can make it.
I thought. I felt my breathing stop.
I felt my eyes drop.
I felt my body go limp.
I felt my heart stop.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
this is another fairly old short story i did teehee
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the possessed S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Clyde has to take in a patient, but in Ms. Scarlett’s anger, she stabs Clyde to death, for she wanted her cousin to be let out. Unfortunately, that meant Clyde’s end…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I’m not sure if “it’s” is supposed to be “its’”, but if you’re fine with it, then ignore this.
Chocolate Bar - I love how sudden Clyde’s death was. He didn’t expect her to stab him, and yet, she did. He’s feebly hoping that he will be able to escape from his impending death, but all too soon, the darkness closes in on him and he is no more.
Closing Graham Cracker - Clyde, a man who wanted to help people, taken away from his life, haunting the asylum forevermore, never to ever rest again.
I wish you a hauntingly good day/night! ^v^
Hello! Ley here, once again, to review this awesome piece for you! I'm using my fantasy themed review method today. I hope this review helps in more ways than one. Let's get into it!
A Journey Begins:
So we're getting some background here. Love to see a good old fashioned lore drop. I had to go back and reread a couple parts to get some premise, and now that I have, I'm back to review! Let's get into the nitty gritty stuff :3
Glimmers in The Gloom:
Major parts I adored about this part:
This story and it's suspense is amazing! I found myself on the edge of my seat! I really loved how you wrote this rather conversationally, it added to the personal theme you were going for. The first person point of view really helps, too. I especially loved the line where Clyde thinks: "That was it, that was her job, wasn't it?" Usually, when people die, they almost have a panic attack xD at least in the stories I've read. But here, he seems rather calm. It was a nice switch up compared to what I'm normally used to!
Magic Upgrades:
So, with these last sentences (I'm not going to quote everything, but you get the gist), you just suddenly switched to first person for some reason, and I feel like that kind of disrupted the flow of this work. The words in italics are fine, because they're his internal thoughts, but it seems like the majority of your story is in past tense, and the other "I can"s were switched to present tense. So, maybe change those to "I could see my crimson hand..."
The Final Enchantment:
Overall, this was a super suspenseful story! It had me captivated from the very first sentence. I hope to read more works from you in the future!
Thank you for taking time to read this review! I hope you have a lovely day <3
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression
Well this was another rather terrifying work here I think a little bit less tragic and more sudden I think than the previous one, just this horrifying POV if it all just falling apart.
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Well looks like an interesting place to start right there, someone a little concerned about what might be happening in this doctor's place but the doctor saying not a lot can be done. It feels just a little bit suspicious right now.
Oh my goodness. I was not expecting that in the slightest there. Really came right out of nowhere and no there's just a full on stabbing going down there about to cause a lot of horror I'm sure from the way that things are going down at the moment.
Ahh loving the description there, really goes into the power of just how badly he's been injured in this moment and how he's just not even mad at the person, just confused and in a lot of pain and realizing that maybe this person was somehow ordered to do this.
Ahh this is such a powerful little moment here, really barreling into just this sense of utter collapse and giving up there. Looks like its really going about as downhill as something like that can go here.
Ahh that on really sank right down into the depths there. I really like the way that the hope slowly dies out there, just moment by moment as things just gently collapse away into ruin and there's nothing left until it all just ends there.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
Overall
Overall I think it makes for quite a lovely tale there. Really taps into the emotion there of being murdered in such a horrible and quick fashion, the confusion, the hope and desperation and then the horrible realization, acceptance and the end. Quite nicely done!
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Hello friend!! Oooh, look at you, posting another fantastic work
This is a nice opening phrase to this story. It helps set the scene of how our speaker is feeling right from the start. Nice work!
WOW... OKAY. So a lot happens here! Our character is suddenly STABBED ahhhh! You did a wonderful job describing it and leading up to it with some dialogue and thoughts amongst characters. I would love to see more vivid details that show the panic your character feels. perhaps thoughts like "I never realized blood was so red" or something about the volume of blood exiting the body, or the look of the knife or the way she looked him in the eye during the stabbing.
OKAY I LOVED the ending so much! I love how you went line by line and started to mention the bodily functions slowing one after the other, until...
...the heart stops. My only nitpick is that (in my opinion) from a stab wound, a person would probably have these things happen in a slightly different order than you described. They would probably go unconsciou (limp) from loss of blood, then stop breathing, then have their heart stop. And the would not feel their heart stop. They would feel themselves grow dizzy and perhaps drift in and out of consciousness and grow weaker until they fully go unconscious. So her-gaps instead of saying "I felt my heart stop." you would say "My heart stopped".
Either way, LOVE IT! Keep writing and I hope to read more soon.
Your friend,
Ellie