Sorry I commented the same thing twice. There was an error...
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Chad lounged at the lonely barstool, occasionally swiveling from side to side. These barstools always fascinated him for some odd reason. Though they were stuck in place, often bolted to the floor, they could still turn side-to-side. Was that real movement or only an illusion? Whenever he was here, which was often, he often thought about that odd question.
As he thought about this, he looked into the drink in front of him. The clear brownish liquid reflected his face, distorting it with every tremor of the cup. He had startling green eyes, a strong nose, and a mouth too often hung up in a frown. He was handsome once, but four years of drinking had taken that away from him. His brown hair was slicked back and hung almost to his shoulders. He hadn’t gotten it cut in a while. He didn’t have the money too.
He sighed and stretched. He glanced at the cracked clock on the far wall. 10:54 p.m. He had been here for about five hours now. He briefly wondered how Emily was doing. She’s probably fine.
His burden suddenly returned, pouring sadness on his shoulders and heart. He had almost forgotten why he comes here.
His drink reflected his shining green eyes. It seemed to sympathize with him. He knew that it would hurt him to drink it, but there was no other way to live. He convinced himself that there was no other way to escape. His burdens were too great and he could not get through it alone. He decided, had decided long ago, that this drink would be his companion through these dark times.
That was four years ago.
Now he slouched at the lonely barstool, alone at the counter. The drink stared up at him, feeling abandoned. It made him feel abandoned too. His tongue longed for the drink but Chad hesitated for a brief moment. Was this right?
Does that matter? the drink responded back. You came to me four years ago, ready to bury your burdens. I’ve done that. You didn’t ask if it was right back then, so don’t ask if it’s right now.
He nodded slowly. It might not be right but it certainly took the sorrows away, at least until the next drink.
He took the cup and put it to his lips.
A picture of Emily surfaced in front of his eyes. Was this good for her?
Don’t stop now.
He tipped the cup and drank the contents.
Liquid fire drained down his throat, scorching him all the way down. By no stretch of the imagination did it taste good, but it did its job. His mind became numb and his bright green eyes clouded. He dropped the cup on the counter again and bent over the counter.
A bell rang, signifying that someone had entered the bar. Chad languidly glanced over and observed the new customer.
He was a businessman, or so it seemed. The dark gray suit he wore was newly-made and complemented the scarlet red tie that he wore. He was tall, handsome, and strongly built. His shoulders swayed with confidence and he seemed right at home here. He had black hair, neatly cropped and styled perfectly. He strode through the bar, greeting people as he walked by.
When Chad realized that it was the man’s intention to come to him, he turned away and focused on his empty glass. He called the bartender over and asked for another drink, trying to look anywhere except at the new man that entered the bar.
His dignity compelled him to look elsewhere.
The businessman continued to make his way slowly through the bar, indirectly walking to Chad. Chad made sure that no eye contact was made. He thought that this man was someone from the bank, and Chad definitely didn’t have a good relationship with the bank.
The businessman tapped him lightly on the shoulder.
“Chad Dunham?” he asked.
Chad slowly circled to him, trying to recognize him now that he was closer. He didn’t seem like anyone from the bank, although he certainly looked professional. As much as he knew the regulars of the bar, Chad knew that this man wasn’t a regular himself. He was sure that he hadn’t seen the man before, but he looked familiar somehow. No matter who he was, he didn’t trust this man. He resolved not to tell him anything.
“Depends on who’s askin’,'' Chad gruffly answered. “You someone from the bank?”
He laughed jauntily. “No, I’m not someone from the bank. Does the bank usually send someone into bars?”
Chad’s numbed mind considered that. “If they want money enough, people’d go anywhere.”
“I suppose.” He sat on the barstool next to Chad. “But I’m not from the bank. I’ve heard of you, Chad Dunham.”
Chad’s eyes widened. “How? I’m not important- to anyone.”
The businessman’s eyes smiled but his mouth kept its cool. “You’re important to me, Chad Dunham. I want to make a bargain with you.”
Chad guffawed. “I don’t fall for no scams. Who even are you?”
The businessman nodded knowingly. “That’s a good question. My name is Lucien Wilkes.”
“Mhm.” Chad wasn’t reassured yet. “What’s yer job?”
Lucien seemed to expect this question too. “I’m a stock broker and investor. And I’m rather good at it.” He smiled at Chad, a peculiar smile that tried its best to placate him. It didn’t quite work. “Any other questions for me?”
His darkened mind tried to come up with other questions. None surfaced so he shook his head. Lucien nodded and got more comfortable in the barstool as he ordered a couple drinks.
“Let’s talk business then, Chad Dunham,” Lucien said. “As I said, I’ve heard of you. I’ve asked around, figured out your situation. I want to help.”
“You don’t know my situation,” Chad retorted under his breath. “You’re just tryin’ to scam me outta what little money I have. Get on outta here.” He swiveled the barstool with his back to Lucien.
Lucien got up and walked to face Chad, hiding his dark grimace. “Chad, I’m serious. I know, and I understand. Let me help you. Give me a chance.”
“No,” came the quick reply.
The bartender came and set two full shot glasses in front of Lucien. He took one and set it in front of Chad. “I get it, you don’t trust me. But Chad, believe it or not, I’m an honest man. I’m not here for your money, or your house, or your car, or anything you own. I’m here for you. Let me help. Please.”
His mind furiously tried to figure out this man. Too many things were playing out at once, too much for his disabled mind to handle. “You- you’re not here for my money?”
Lucien shook his head solemnly. “No sir, I’m not. I just heard about your predicament and want to help.”
After several more moments of crippled contemplation, Chad nodded slowly. “How you gonna help me?”
Lucien got into another barstool. “You sure that you want to make a bargain with me?”
Although he was agreeable at this point, Chad still had not lost all sense of reason. “Depends on what the ‘bargain’ is. And I better not have to sign nothin’.”
“Nope, this is a verbal agreement. Are you in?” Chad nodded. “Good.”
Lucien’s manner shifted. He no longer wore his friendly, appealing man-of-the-people persona. He became, although still handsome and appealing, the businessman that he outwardly was. He became more formal and seemed to demand that respect, if not fear, accompany him wherever he went.
“The terms of the bargain are this,” Lucien explained. “Occasionally, you do favors for me. There will be no illegal activity, so don’t worry about getting caught doing something bad. In return, I’ll help you take care of your problems, whatever they may be. It’s a beneficial situation for both of us. Do you agree?”
“I think so,” Chad replied after a few seconds. He didn’t have much of a job at the moment, so the favors shouldn’t be too hard for him to do. He was curious to see how this Lucien would help him. “I accept your offer,” he said with mock solemnity. He offered his hand for a handshake to seal the matter.
Lucien laughed, once again the warm and friendly man he had appeared to be. “No, we’re not going to shake hands. We’re in a bar! There’s only one way to finalize this.” He seized his shot glass and raised it up in the air, gesturing at Chad to do the same. “To seal this deal, just drink that. I’ll consider that official.”
Chad gazed deep into the liquid. For an instance, it fogged up into a dark black, with two scarlet red dots pinpointing the middle. Eyes? His drunk mind questioned. It had looked like the black silhouette of a wolf. Before his mind could answer his own question, the vision disappeared. Shrugging, he lifted up the glass and gazed into Lucien's eyes. He nodded encouragingly.
Chad raised his glass and clinked it against Lucien’s. “Cheers!” the businessman cried and downed the drink.
Chad rested the glass on his lips. The drink splashed against his mouth, feeling abandoned once again.
Don’t stop now.
He tipped the cup and drank the contents.
Lucien clapped his shoulder jovially. “Thank you, my friend! You won’t regret this.” Chad muttered something in reply. He felt funny. Small specks of light skipped across his vision, and his mind hammered his skull in three different places.
Lucien rose from his stool and walked away. “Bye, Chad Dunham. I’ll see you soon!” He walked out of the bar, leaving Chad alone again.
Chad’s headache got worse very fast. Trying to get up, trying to walk out of the bar, he staggered and swooped dangerously close to the floor. It was mean of the world to spin like that. All he was trying to do was get.. Somewhere. His house, right? Yeah. His house. Man, these lights were bright. They should-
He collapsed in the parking lot, and the world slowly gave way to darkness.
Glancing over the comments tells me that fellow readers do not like that you did not give a lot of detail about Emily. I, however, like that you kept those details hidden. I feel like it leaves the reader (like me) questioning who she is and wanting to read more so we can figure out who she is.
I also want to point out, your descriptions are amazing. Especially that detail when Chad looks into the cup and wonders if those red dots are eyes. Loved that detail! You've clearly been writing for a while to get that good at description. The drink really comes to life and seems to have its own personality. How cool!
I would say, though, that perhaps using a bit more description of the characters' physical appearance would be useful.
And one more thought...Good choice with naming Lucien. I saw your comment down there about that. I love when writers are careful to select for just the right names for their characters. I try to do the same
I really enjoyed this chapter, and I really want to read more! The first paragraph is pretty fun and random, which I think is perfect for someone that is drunk (not that I really know much about it).
At first I thought that it was weird that Chad would just accept a deal with a shady random dude, but then I realized that he was drunk, and usually people don't really make good decisions when you're drunk. Maybe you could explore that a little more, and make that more apparent.
I also really want to learn who Emily is. For some reason this reminds me of the Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Meyer, because there is a character named Wolf, and another called Emilie, but I'm pretty sure that's just because I'm obsessed with it.
Was it also intentional for Lucien to sound so much like Lucifer?
Anyways, I look forward to reading more!
Number one tag me on the next chapter it's a must. Wo I really liked this. There is not one critique I can give you at all, well maybe one.
"Somewhere. His house, right? Yeah. His house. Man, these lights were bright. They should-
He collapsed in the parking lot, and the world slowly gave way to darkness."
I know he passed out, so it's abrupt, but something about the way you stopped with should, it just seems wrong. Correct me if I am wrong. The flow is perfect, and the dialogue is stunning. I love the descriptive imagery. This is my favorite thing I have read today, no cap. I like this chapter a lot. Keep up the good work.
*Irish accent*
AND RIP IT APART WE SHALL!
Hello there, Ilium. We're here to be critical, nitpicky, boring, and slightly insulting to this work of literature you've clearly put lots of time and effort into. Ready? HERE WE GO!
First of all, the bit in the beginning with Chad's thoughts about barstools is brilliant. It's exactly the kind of thing you'd expect a drunk to think about.
Now, the bit about Emily. How intriguing. Who is she? Where's she from? How does Chad know her? What's her favorite sport? So many questions come to mind when you refer to her and you do an excellent job of only hinting at the fact that she is some ex- (be it girlfriend or wife) of Chad.
And then this man, Lucien. Something about him doesn't sit right with us. If that was your intention, spot on. He seems to friendly, too perfect, too helpful. It doesn't feel right that the good Samaritan he claims to be would be specifically seeking out Chad, especially in a grungy bar.
Finally, overall, you do a good job of describing Chad's relationship with drinking. It's quite clear he has a problem with it and that it's all that really occupies his time. Knowing you probably don't have any personal experience with it, we'd like to commend you for writing it so well.
Well, normally we'd have stuff we'd like to criticize, but we can't think of anything. We wish you well on the continuation of the series.
Sláinte,
The Cidrian Writer's Guild
Hey! MapleWay here with a review!
Wow. I really liked this chapter! The start was ok but as the story went on I got even more hooked! I liked the mysterious element in it too. "What does Lucien want? Is he really trying to help?" These are just a few of the many questions I asked myself during this chapter. If I'm being honest I didn't want to read it at first due to the length but once I read it I feel much different. I honestly wouldn't have minded it being longer!
Does that matter? the drink responded back. You came to me four years ago, ready to bury your burdens. I’ve done that. You didn’t ask if it was right back then, so don’t ask if it’s right now.
He nodded slowly.
Chad gazed deep into the liquid. For an instance, it fogged up into a dark black, with two scarlet red dots pinpointing the middle. Eyes? His drunk mind questioned. It had looked like the black silhouette of a wolf. Before his mind could answer his own question, the vision disappeared. Shrugging, he lifted up the glass and gazed into Lucien's eyes. He nodded encouragingly.
Chad’s headache got worse very fast. Trying to get up, trying to walk out of the bar, he staggered and swooped dangerously close to the floor. It was mean of the world to spin like that. All he was trying to do was get.. Somewhere. His house, right? Yeah. His house. Man, these lights were bright. They should-
He collapsed in the parking lot, and the world slowly gave way to darkness.
Well, it didn't really hook me at first but i kept reading anyway because I can't find anything interesting enough to review so here I am now.
Diving deeper into the story, it seems that our protagonist here is a jobless man, with no goals nor direction to what he wants to do with his life (that kind of reminds me of myself right now. Well, I'm a student so we can cross jobless out lol).
So it also seems that something had happened in the protagonist's past. 4 years ago, huh? That totally hooked me. I'm curious to know what happened 4 years ago.
But then at the end of the chapter, I can't help but to feel like this is about to be a werewolf type story hahaha. But anyway good job mate. I'm curious to see where this is going.
Hi Ilium417,
Mailice here with a short review!
I didn't really get the impression while reading that the story was too long. It was the right size for a first chapter, where all the necessary information was gathered and provided to set up the action of the story. Most importantly, I also thought the story had a very fluid style. I liked your descriptions and how you connected them with various devices so that it didn't seem too ordinary. (For example, the description of Chad using the glass). You also described Chad's personality in several facets, including his past. One can get a clear picture of his situation. Character personalisation has been successful here.
The story itself has an exciting background and leaves the reader with questions until the end. I think that is very important for the first chapter, that the reader is given a lot of information that he finds out bit by bit. (E.g.: what made him drink in the first place; who is Emily, his daughter, his wife etc...).
What I also like very much is the way you do the dialogues. They seem real and like you're in a typical bar. The plot might seem a bit simplistic since it is after all about a pact between him and the devil (a pretty often used theme), but in the end, it is more about what is the result of that and how far Chad develops during that time than now just the beginning.
What I also really like is the structure of your story. Just because you have many small sections, the story doesn't seem so mighty and long now.
He decided, had decided long ago, that this drink would be his companion through these dark times.
He collapsed in the parking lot, and the world slowly gave way to darkness.
I just realized this is really big, sorry, this is my first thing on YWS!
Don't feel like you need to be nice! Rip it apart!
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Reviews: 190
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