Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Sunrise After the Rain

by Ichthys


A yellow sun rose leisurely into the heavens, illuminating the previously dark skies filled only with a handful of stars and a sliver of moon tossed mindlessly into the air. It painted space with warm tones and shades, brightly emphasized in the morning sky. The light it radiated spread gradually across each subject in its path; it lit the earth for all to see. It showed the flowers in all their colour and revealed gems of dew on vibrantly green grass blades. It shimmered on water caught in a web and it woke the weaver from peaceful sleep.

Slowly the world rose, awakened from its slumber to a brilliant morning. A cloud gray rabbit twitched its ears in wary search for predators and victuals both. A beetle climbed silently over a leaf, knocking off dew and rain to the muddy floor. From treetop the tapped racket of a woodpecker rang out over the scene, dominating the crescendo of music composed by resident avians. Sound slowly penetrated through where the light had not entered and woke the remaining dozers from rest.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
3779 Reviews


Points: 4173
Reviews: 3779

Donate
Sat Aug 14, 2021 7:33 am
View Likes
Snoink wrote a review...



Hi again!

Okay, so the first paragraph, you use the word "it" very generously to the point where I am starting to long for an actual noun. Especially here:

The light it radiated spread gradually across each subject in its path; it lit the earth for all to see. It showed the flowers in all their colour and revealed gems of dew on vibrantly green grass blades. It shimmered on water caught in a web and it woke the weaver from peaceful sleep.


There are five "it" words that refer to either the sun or light (though the words "sun" and "light" seem to be used almost interchangeably). I would probably play around with the sentences more and see if you could find some other way to reorganize the sentences so that you don't have to use the same vague sentence structure.

It showed the flowers in all their colour and revealed gems of dew on vibrantly green grass blades.


This doesn't seem as lyrical as some of your other lines! It seems weirdly passive. I would probably go for bold here. For example, just muddling about on a conpute,,,,

The soft sunlight brushed the flowers so that they sprang up, their colors blazing, to meet the dawn. The green grass blades held the dew just right so that when the sunlight struck it, the dewdrops shone and sparkled like a diamond.

(Or something like that? I DO NOT KNOW. Play around with it though! :))

A cloud gray rabbit twitched its ears in wary search for predators and victuals both.


For some reason, it almost reads as if the rabbit is going to eat the predators, since you pair predators and victuals together, lol. Anyway, I would probably separate the ideas further from each other

From treetop the tapped racket of a woodpecker rang out over the scene, dominating the crescendo of music composed by resident avians.


I am sort of sad you didn't describe the tapping noise that a woodpecker makes. It is a neat and unique sound!

Sound slowly penetrated through where the light had not entered and woke the remaining dozers from rest.


Instead of saying "slowly penetrated" I am almost tempted to say that you chose the wrong word... maybe something like "crept" since it kind of implies a penetration of sorts in a slow way.

...okay. I probably need to go to bed at this point. I shall review the third installment... soon!




User avatar
25 Reviews


Points: 154
Reviews: 25

Donate
Tue Apr 13, 2021 12:23 pm
Ducklinstories wrote a review...



hey hey, Ducklin here for a brief review!! let's get started, shall we?

I have to start off by saying that your talent of describing things in a way that makes the reader feel something is amazing?! If that makes any sense to you.

Although I don't see this as a novel, more like something lyric so u may want to change the range u put your work in.

"A beetle climbed silently over a leaf, knocking off dew and rain to the muddy floor." You may consider changing floor to ground since I think that we are outside.

For the rest I really don't have anything to say, it was amazing!!
Keep on the good work and keep writing,

greetings
-Ducklin




Ichthys says...


It makes sense to me, don't worry!

I put this in the Novel category for the "/ Chapter" bit, because this is the second piece of its kind and I plan to write more.



User avatar
86 Reviews


Points: 10616
Reviews: 86

Donate
Mon Apr 12, 2021 5:57 pm
starchild314 wrote a review...



Hello Ichthys! @hannah0528 here for a quick review. Hope it is helpful!



Grows:
"The light it radiated spread gradually across each subject in its path; it lit the earth for all to see."

I didn't really understand this sentence at first. Maybe switch words around a little bit?

Glows:
H o w do you do this? Like, how? It is amazing! Keep writing things like this. I noticed that you marked this as a novel/chapter. Is it going to be a story of sorts, or just a series where you write things like this? Either way, I am excited to see more from you. I can't choose my favorite sentence, but I really liked this one:

" From treetop the tapped racket of a woodpecker rang out over the scene, dominating the crescendo of music composed by resident avians."

I loved it! Keep writing things like this, reading it is like hearing music! Have a good day! I hope to hear more from you!


Sincerely,

@hannah0528




Ichthys says...


I'll try to see what I can do about it.

This is actually my second installment. It's a small series I started to write short scenes both for more relaxing writing and for practise. All the action scenes can wear on me a little.



User avatar
50 Reviews


Points: 133
Reviews: 50

Donate
Mon Apr 12, 2021 4:59 pm
PaigeFantasy says...



hi, wonderful job!
i think you used amazing descriptions. for example; "Slowly the world rose, awakened from its slumber to a brilliant morning." is great for a description!
please keep writing like this, i believe in you.
i hope you have a good day. :)





Poetry is a phantom script telling how rainbows are made and why they go away.
— Carl Sandburg