A yellow sun rose leisurely into the heavens, illuminating the previously dark skies filled only with a handful of stars and a sliver of moon tossed mindlessly into the air. It painted space with warm tones and shades, brightly emphasized in the morning sky. The light it radiated spread gradually across each subject in its path; it lit the earth for all to see. It showed the flowers in all their colour and revealed gems of dew on vibrantly green grass blades. It shimmered on water caught in a web and it woke the weaver from peaceful sleep.
Slowly the world rose, awakened from its slumber to a brilliant morning. A cloud gray rabbit twitched its ears in wary search for predators and victuals both. A beetle climbed silently over a leaf, knocking off dew and rain to the muddy floor. From treetop the tapped racket of a woodpecker rang out over the scene, dominating the crescendo of music composed by resident avians. Sound slowly penetrated through where the light had not entered and woke the remaining dozers from rest.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello!:)
Here with a quick review
Wow, I must say - I am impressed, you are so talanted and it is POURING. The way you write, the way you describe things just does something to me, it tickles my soul (in like the best way possible)
I love how you pay attention to the little things, like the dew on the grass and the rabbit and beetle doing their thing. It's like zooming in on a nature documentary.
Overall, this piece makes you appreciate the beauty and wonder of a brand new day and the incredible world we live in. It's like a gentle reminder to stop and smell the flowers once in a while and I think I really needed this reminder, so I must thank you.
And just to end this, rather short I know, review, I want to say one thing - keep writing!
The best of luck
Hi again!
Okay, so the first paragraph, you use the word "it" very generously to the point where I am starting to long for an actual noun. Especially here:
There are five "it" words that refer to either the sun or light (though the words "sun" and "light" seem to be used almost interchangeably). I would probably play around with the sentences more and see if you could find some other way to reorganize the sentences so that you don't have to use the same vague sentence structure.
This doesn't seem as lyrical as some of your other lines! It seems weirdly passive. I would probably go for bold here. For example, just muddling about on a conpute,,,,
The soft sunlight brushed the flowers so that they sprang up, their colors blazing, to meet the dawn. The green grass blades held the dew just right so that when the sunlight struck it, the dewdrops shone and sparkled like a diamond.
(Or something like that? I DO NOT KNOW. Play around with it though!
For some reason, it almost reads as if the rabbit is going to eat the predators, since you pair predators and victuals together, lol. Anyway, I would probably separate the ideas further from each other
I am sort of sad you didn't describe the tapping noise that a woodpecker makes. It is a neat and unique sound!
Instead of saying "slowly penetrated" I am almost tempted to say that you chose the wrong word... maybe something like "crept" since it kind of implies a penetration of sorts in a slow way.
...okay. I probably need to go to bed at this point. I shall review the third installment... soon!
hey hey, Ducklin here for a brief review!! let's get started, shall we?
I have to start off by saying that your talent of describing things in a way that makes the reader feel something is amazing?! If that makes any sense to you.
Although I don't see this as a novel, more like something lyric so u may want to change the range u put your work in.
"A beetle climbed silently over a leaf, knocking off dew and rain to the muddy floor." You may consider changing floor to ground since I think that we are outside.
For the rest I really don't have anything to say, it was amazing!!
Keep on the good work and keep writing,
greetings
-Ducklin
It makes sense to me, don't worry!
I put this in the Novel category for the "/ Chapter" bit, because this is the second piece of its kind and I plan to write more.
Hello Ichthys! @hannah0528 here for a quick review. Hope it is helpful!
Grows:
"The light it radiated spread gradually across each subject in its path; it lit the earth for all to see."
I didn't really understand this sentence at first. Maybe switch words around a little bit?
Glows:
H o w do you do this? Like, how? It is amazing! Keep writing things like this. I noticed that you marked this as a novel/chapter. Is it going to be a story of sorts, or just a series where you write things like this? Either way, I am excited to see more from you. I can't choose my favorite sentence, but I really liked this one:
" From treetop the tapped racket of a woodpecker rang out over the scene, dominating the crescendo of music composed by resident avians."
I loved it! Keep writing things like this, reading it is like hearing music! Have a good day! I hope to hear more from you!
Sincerely,
@hannah0528
I'll try to see what I can do about it.
This is actually my second installment. It's a small series I started to write short scenes both for more relaxing writing and for practise. All the action scenes can wear on me a little.
hi, wonderful job!
i think you used amazing descriptions. for example; "Slowly the world rose, awakened from its slumber to a brilliant morning." is great for a description!
please keep writing like this, i believe in you.
i hope you have a good day.