How can I see?
In a room full of dim.
I want to be free.
I'm out on a limb.
Trying to fly,
Scared to fall.
I see cars pass by
I feel so small.
I want to feel big.
As cars pass by,
I might die.
My grave I dig
Out on a limb…
(Im a terrible writer lol)
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
Heyo! I decide to take a stroll and found this lovely poem before me and decide to review it! (That was cringy but the damage is one now-) Anyways, I'm Zayin and I"m here to review your poem!
This poem captures a profound sense of vulnerability and yearning for freedom. The juxtaposition of physical actions and emotional experiences—like “trying to fly” while “scared to fall”—expresses the tension between hope and fear in a way that many can relate to. The imagery of “cars pass by” and “I feel so small” adds to the sense of insignificance, emphasizing the speaker’s emotional isolation which I myself can relate to!
The repetition of phrases like “out on a limb” and “cars pass by” creates a rhythm that mirrors the cyclical nature of the speaker’s thoughts, enhancing the overall feeling of being trapped or stuck in an endless loop. The closing line, "Out on a limb…", is particularly poignant, suggesting the speaker’s delicate position, both literally and figuratively.
The simplicity of the poem is one of its strengths, allowing the rawness of emotion to come through clearly. The sparse language leaves room for the reader to reflect on the feelings of fear, desire for freedom, and existential questioning.
Kind criticism ♡ :
Expand on Imagery: While the poem has strong moments of imagery, further exploration of the physical and emotional landscape could deepen the emotional impact. For example, describing the room more vividly could help create a stronger sense of confinement, while expanding on what the speaker imagines when they think of “being free” could contrast nicely with the smallness they feel.
Refining Rhythm and Structure: The poem's short lines work well for the tone, but varying the line length or adding more consistent meter might give the poem a more cohesive flow. Consider playing with enjambment (running a sentence or phrase across lines) to create a more fluid movement between ideas and emotions.
Develop the Conclusion: The ending feels like a powerful moment of finality, but it could be made even more impactful by building up to it more. What happens to the speaker as they "dig" their grave? Do they move toward acceptance, or is there a moment of resistance that contrasts with their fears? Exploring this tension more fully could strengthen the emotional depth.
Overall, the poem has a strong foundation, offering a glimpse into the speaker’s inner turmoil and desire for freedom. With some development of the imagery and rhythm, it could become even more evocative and immersive. This is a nice poem and you are not a bad writer at all! We all start somewhere and you are a flower in the mist of blooming into something beautiful. I can't wait to see more of your work on YWS! Sending you warm welcomes in this lovely community! - Sincerely Zayin Keith
Hey there, friend
I decided to stop by for a quick review for this lovely poem of yours.
To begin, I love how you did this rhyme scheme throughout the poem. I know you mentioned how this is more of a vent poem so that makes total sense to me because it felt very laid back and simple, but at the same time meaningful.
Nice job starting this poem with a question! I always like when people do that in poetry because it set the mood really well. Right away I can get this sense of wanting to see ahead or what is happening in your life, but this seem to be dimmed because of a lot going on.
I love what you do here, first playing with the opposites of big and small. Something about the simplicity feels symbolic in itself! I liked that repetition of the car line. You transition into this 'I might die' line sort of subtly and that caught me off guard.
And also, I do not think you are a terrible writer at all! This poem was really lovely. I would love to see more descriptions, so for example, when you are talking about something, use words to describe the appearance and texture and more sensory details (physical and emotional). Use more metaphors or similies (like or as to compare. ex- I am like a raindrop, etc). What you have written here is pretty solid and I can totally see what you were doing with this message of desire to be better and seeing life pass you by. Overall, I really enjoyed this. And the fact that you challenged yourself to rhyme on top of that just shows how much you thought this through and the talent that you have. I love it and I am so impressed!
I really hope to see more of your poems on yws soon
Your friend,
Ellie <33
Okay, for starters, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'd curse, but I believe that's against guidelines. This is absolutely gorgeous. You are an amazing writer! Everyone here is! Never doubt your abilities!
On the contrary, I love how this is written and how it sounds. It's relatable and understandable. Your words are clear and the gist is clear too! You did wonderfully!
I love how it says "out on a limb" more than once. It really adds to the mood. As for the poem itself, it's written amazingly well and it's a nice, light sounding tale. Even if it's small, it still tells a story.
I can't wait to see more of your work! Honest!
Welcome to YWS! I promise you, this community is so warm and welcoming, you'll love it here. And even if you struggle with writing, we all have to start somewhere, even if our works are just little crumbs.
~Taost