I look around (Vent..? again)

Heyo! I'm Zayin and I'm here to review your lovely work! ᕙ( •̀ ᗜ •́ )ᕗ

This poem captures a strong sense of inner conflict, isolation, and yearning for freedom, with an emotional intensity that resonates throughout. The repeated refrain of “I look around” anchors the poem and emphasizes the speaker’s sense of disconnection from the world around them. This repetition is effective in creating a feeling of being trapped in a cycle of longing and uncertainty.

The imagery in the poem is evocative, particularly the comparison of the senses to a “hound” and the mind as a “jail.” These metaphors give the reader a clear sense of the speaker’s internal struggle—hunting for meaning or escape, but feeling confined by their own mind. The line “I am the product / Of a wrongful construct” hints at a deeper frustration with external forces or societal expectations, and “I wanna fly like a kite” expresses a poignant desire for freedom and release.

The theme of wanting to be loved and not judged, along with the lines “Guess I’ll die pretty,” introduces an element of vulnerability and self-doubt, making the speaker’s emotional pain feel very real and relatable. There is an honesty in these lines that many readers will connect with, especially in a world where personal struggles often go unnoticed.

Suggestions for Improvement ദ്ദി(ᵔᗜᵔ) :

Variation in Structure and Line Length: The repetition of the phrase “I look around” works well as a refrain, but varying the structure or line length could add more rhythm and depth to the poem. For example, consider breaking up the repetition with a shift in tone or form in some stanzas, which could emphasize the speaker's emotional shift from longing to despair to resolution. This might enhance the poem’s flow and build a sense of movement.

Deeper Exploration of the "Construct": The line “I am the product / Of a wrongful construct” is intriguing, but it could be expanded to provide more insight into what the “wrongful construct” refers to. Is it societal pressure, internalized expectations, or something else? Elaborating on this could make the reader feel more connected to the speaker’s struggle and give the poem a clearer direction.

Refining Imagery: The poem’s imagery is strong but could be made even more vivid by developing some of the concepts further. For example, what does the “fear that surrounds” look or feel like? Giving more specific sensory details could help intensify the emotional experience and bring the poem's imagery to life.

Tone and Resolution: The poem’s emotional tone is quite consistent throughout, which is effective in conveying the speaker's sense of frustration and disconnection. However, offering a moment of resolution or self-discovery, however small, could provide a more rounded emotional arc. For instance, does the speaker find any clarity or peace by the end, or does the longing persist? Giving the reader a hint of progression could make the poem feel more complete.

Overall Thoughts:
This poem successfully conveys a sense of deep emotional turmoil and longing, with evocative metaphors and relatable sentiments. The speaker's desire to break free from their internal and external constraints is palpable, and the rawness of their vulnerability is moving. With a little more exploration of the imagery and themes, as well as slight variation in structure, the poem could become even more powerful and immersive. It has a lot of heart and potential, and with further refinement, it could deeply resonate with readers who have experienced similar struggles themselves. ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و -ZK

hello @ILikeTrains666! i'm herb, here to review your lovely poem. let's begin.

you keep this constant repetition, looking around. fearful. this imminence is present and boy is it strong. you keep a strong rhyme scheme, and short, breathy lines. almost as if watched. you are scared, fearful, you are timid. a very distinct voice.

there's a few lines about being, whether that means being "pretty" or a "product". it seems almost dehumanizing, as if you are a hound. this non-humanity is beautiful and sharp, harsh and blunt but stunning nonetheless.

there's also this fear of what you've become. not feeling right, wanting to break free. you want a lot in this poem. you have this pure, untainted desire. i love that.

i'm not sure if i enjoy the last stanza being the first lines of each stanza. it's unique, and i do enjoy the repetition, but i almost wish you told me more. how are you judged? how does fear surround you? what is this wrongful construct? all things i have questions about.

i think this is a wonderful poem. it's beautiful. maybe write more about this, i'd read. perhaps in free verse. your voice is distinct and beautiful. keep it up, and never stop writing.

best & sincerely,
herb.

well well why do I feel like it's written on me lol

"My mind is a jail.
Wanting to break free"

sometimes we are so into our mind that we feel trapped like always thinking and yea making ourselves hurt or happy by different delusions haha and nothing to laugh about ik in the end it's really makes us feel sick like we wanna get free of it fr

"I look around.
Wishing to be found .
I am the product
Of a wrongful construct.
I don’t feel right,
I wanna fly like a kite"


and how you expressed that u wanna be found yes sometimes it's just if someone found us, we find ourselves we are free like someone who understands us or get us out of our mind. fly like a kite- wanting to be free from all the things and of our mind of the house which is not home and all the stupid rules so free like a kite in the sky no one or nothing is there like a obstacle like.


"I want to be loved,
And not judged"

to have someone who will be in love with all the stupidity all the childness and follishness and not judge you yes, it is called love cuz love never judges they love you, so they just admire u and find u cute, and if somethings wrong they'll tell you helo you and forever love u. judging is never and option. That why are u always in your mind or say something like just stop thinking and not understand u. so yea nice line for explaining this.

it was a relatable and nice poem
keep writing

-arohi