The Voices In My Head

J.R.S wrote:So, I this was an idea I stored in my "Stuff I Should Use" folder, and came across today. I decided I'd run with it, and this is what I came up with! Let me know what you think!

The Voices In My Mind

She has but five voices you see, I dont think you need the word "see" in there
Each, belongs to a different decree.
They all have their special effect,
And if you shall join me, I will direct,
The voices in my mind. I dont like how your flow doesnt.. Well flow.

A soft whisper, beside my ear,
it often makes me shed a tear.
It's sweet and tender, caring too,
I always wish it weren't through. I like this stanza (:

The booming sound, an angry cry, Try using a different word than booming.
The one that makes me want to try,
I'll get them back, and end it fast,
And you'll look fine, when it's passed.

The third, it tears my chest in two,
That cry you have, it sounds so blue.
It can not last, if I dare say,
For it leaves me in, such dismay. This just makes it awkward

That sound I'd say, it is quite witty,
and also yes, it is even pretty.
We smile as we're on the ground,
The world it seems, has turned around.

The last is but your normal choice,
The one in which, I always rejoice.
Some call it boring, or even dim,
But to me it is, your greatest hymn. Bad flow right here.

So it appears to me,
And maybe you would agree,
That girl, she must be,
Quite the reverie.

Hello!!
Rain here! So, first I'd like to say thanks for requesting a review! I don't get many requests lately.
So, on to the poem.
Red- Grammer mistakes
Blue- Things I think you should change to make the poem better, in my opinion, or from my expereance.
Pink/purple- Things I really like
Green- Aditional comments

She has but five voices you see, << The word "but" Doesn't seem to fit here to me. When you say "but" in the way you do here,its as if your saying "only" like, she "only has five voices". And I don't think thats what you were trying to get at.
Each, belongs to a different decree. << That doesn't need to go there.
They all have their special effect,
And if you shall join me, I will direct, << I don't think that should be there either, but I may be wrong.
The voices in my mind.

A soft whisper, beside my ear, << I agree with chynelk5 on that "beside" would sound better as "behind"
it often makes me shed a tear.
It's sweet and tender, caring too,
I always wish it weren't through. << This lines seems kinda awkward here. It's the way you said it, but I do see that you worded it that way to rhyme. I'm not sure if you would want to change that, I jsut thought I would point that out.

The booming sound, an angry cry,
The one that makes me want to try, << That should probuly be a period.
I'll get them back, and end it fast,
And you'll look fine, when it's passed. I don't think this is need here either.

The third, it tears my chest in two,
That cry you have, it sounds so blue.
It can not last, if I dare say,
For it leaves me in, such dismay. << That I don't think needs to be there. Although, I have noticed that I pause when ever I read over those, I pause at the commas. If that is what you were trying to do, then don''t change them.

That sound I'd say, it is quite witty,
and also yes, it is even pretty.
We smile as we're on the ground,
The world it seems, has turned around. << I love this stanza!! It has got to my favroite out of the whole poem!!!

The last is but your normal choice,
The one in which, I always rejoice.
Some call it boring, or even dim,
But to me it is, your greatest hymn.

So it appears to me,
And maybe you would agree,
That girl, she must be,
Quite the reverie. I don't think this is the right word here.A "reverie" is like a daydream, or a threoy. If your saying she's like a daydream, then I guess it fits.

J.R.S wrote:So, I this was an idea I stored in my "Stuff I Should Use" folder, and came across today. I decided I'd run with it, and this is what I came up with! Let me know what you think!

The Voices In My Mind

She has but five voices you see,
Each, belongs to a different decree.
They all have their special effect,
And if you shall join me, I will direct,
The voices in my mind.

A soft whisper, beside my ear, Maybe it's just me, but I see "behind my ear" more fitting than beside but y'know whatever.
it often makes me shed a tear.
It's sweet and tender, caring too,
I always wish it weren't through.

The booming sound, an angry cry,
The one that makes me want to try,
I'll get them back, and end it fast,
And you'll look fine, when it's passed.
This stanza has to be my favorite (above). It really speaks to me

The third, it tears my chest in two,
That cry you have, it sounds so blue.
It can not last, if I dare say,
For it leaves me in, such dismay.

That sound I'd say, it is quite witty,
and also yes, it is even pretty.
We smile as we're on the ground,
The world it seems, has turned around.

The last is but your normal choice,
The one in which, I always rejoice.
Some call it boring, or even dim,
But to me it is, your greatest hymn.

So it appears to me,
And maybe you would agree,
That girl, she must be,
Quite the reverie.

Wonderful! I do think it could use some imagery and interlinking themes though, just to make it more emotive and interesting. But it's fine like that too.